Pregnant 'man', or just 'gay woman living as man and now pregnant'?

[Shimmer]

Labor of Love  | First Person | Advocate.com

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To our neighbors, my wife, Nancy, and I don’t appear in the least unusual. To those in the quiet Oregon community where we live, we are viewed just as we are -- a happy couple deeply in love. Our desire to work hard, buy our first home, and start a family was nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until we decided that I would carry our child. I am transgender, legally male, and legally married to Nancy. Unlike those in same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, or civil unions, Nancy and I are afforded the more than 1,100 federal rights of marriage. Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights. Wanting to have a biological child is neither a male nor female desire, but a human desire. Ten years ago, when Nancy and I became a couple, the idea of us having a child was more dream than plan. I always wanted to have children. However, due to severe endometriosis 20 years ago, Nancy had to undergo a hysterectomy and is unable to carry a child. But after the success of our custom screen-printing business and a move from Hawaii to the Pacific Northwest two years ago, the timing finally seemed right. I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections. It had been roughly eight years since I had my last menstrual cycle, so this wasn’t a decision that I took lightly. My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn’t have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy. Our situation sparks legal, political, and social unknowns. We have only begun experiencing opposition from people who are upset by our situation. Doctors have discriminated against us, turning us away due to their religious beliefs. Health care professionals have refused to call me by a male pronoun or recognize Nancy as my wife. Receptionists have laughed at us. Friends and family have been unsupportive; most of Nancy’s family doesn’t even know I’m transgender. This whole process, from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant, has been a challenge for us. The first doctor we approached was a reproductive endocrinologist. He was shocked by our situation and told me to shave my facial hair. After a $300 consultation, he reluctantly performed my initial checkups. He then required us to see the clinic’s psychologist to see if we were fit to bring a child into this world and consulted with the ethics board of his hospital. A few months and a couple thousand dollars later, he told us that he would no longer treat us, saying he and his staff felt uncomfortable working with “someone like me.” In total, nine different doctors have been involved. This is why it took over one year to get access to a cryogenic sperm bank to purchase anonymous donor vials, and why Nancy and I eventually resorted to home insemination. When I finally got pregnant for the first time, I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy with triplets. It was a life-threatening event that required surgical intervention, resulting in the loss of all embryos and my right fallopian tube. When my brother found out about my loss, he said, “It’s a good thing that happened. Who knows what kind of monster it would have been.” On successfully getting pregnant a second time, we are proud to announce that this pregnancy is free of complications and our baby girl has a clean bill of health. We are happily awaiting her birth, with an estimated due date of July 3, 2008. How does it feel to be a pregnant man? Incredible. Despite the fact that my belly is growing with a new life inside me, I am stable and confident being the man that I am. In a technical sense I see myself as my own surrogate, though my gender identity as male is constant. To Nancy, I am her husband carrying our child -- I am so lucky to have such a loving, supportive wife. I will be my daughter’s father, and Nancy will be her mother. We will be a family. Outside the local medical community, people don’t know I’m five months’ pregnant. But our situation ultimately will ask everyone to embrace the gamut of human possibility and to define for themselves what is normal.

I'm quite torn on this, in some ways, in others, I simply say that as long as the child is being brought into the world and loved, I don't care who carries it or how it gets here.
Then again, I think about adoption and the possibilities being passed over on that front.


Just quite all over the place on that. What do y'all think?

 

[Simply Elegant]

They were on Oprah today. I really don't get the big fuss over this. So many people have kids and as long as it's safe and their doctor said it was fine, then I don't think people should care that much about it. It's not really any of their business anyway.

 

[Lizzie]

I just saw the commercial for this. To answer your title, totally a pregnant man. Too bad about the discrimination he faces though.

 

[persephonewillo]

i think it's awesome. and kind of exciting. good for them

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Then again, I think about adoption and the possibilities being passed over on that front.

i think they have just as much "right" to have a biological child as anyone else does. perhaps if you felt that about every pregnancy, male or female, i'd be more inclined to agree with you

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by persephonewillo i think it's awesome. and kind of exciting. good for them i think they have just as much "right" to have a biological child as anyone else does. perhaps if you felt that about every pregnancy, male or female, i'd be more inclined to agree with you

I do feel that way for anyone who has to struggle to have children. My sisterinlaw and brother have problems with pregnancies and maintaining the whole 'keep the baby inside for 9 months' thing, and I've been honest with them telling them that I thought they should look into adoption.

I think it's quite exciting for them, and I'm happy for the couple to finally have the child they've dreamed of, but in all reality, I don't see the big deal over the situation. I'm especially glad to see 'alternative' families having opportunities they wouldn't have had years ago.

That's not a man. That's a woman who's gone through a LOT to have masculine characteristics, but by the definition of being female, down to the level of genetics, that's a woman doing what nature intended her to be able to do...carry a pregnancy.

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by Lizzie I just saw the commercial for this. To answer your title, totally a pregnant man. Too bad about the discrimination he faces though.

I don't agree that he's a man; I think he's a person who lives his life as a man, and prefers...due to changes within his life...to be referred to as a man, but no, that's not a man. That's genetically a female, no matter how much testosterone is taken in.

I think the discrimination is out of line though. It's truly not on the medical community to judge or discriminate.

 

[persephonewillo]

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I do feel that way for anyone who has to struggle to have children. My sisterinlaw and brother have problems with pregnancies and maintaining the whole 'keep the baby inside for 9 months' thing, and I've been honest with them telling them that I thought they should look into adoption.

gotchya. when i read your first post i thought you meant just the couple in question.

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I think the discrimination is out of line though. It's truly not on the medical community to judge or discriminate.

ITA!!

 

[gigglegirl]

the one thing that majorly concerned me was that he was taking testosterone, his clitoris grew to be a small penis and other I assume masculine traits ensued. Then he went off them for two years before trying to get pregnant. I just wonder (and the ob/gyn said the baby was healthy) but in my mind I wondered how the testosterone may have affected the body and the female organs--was everything "back to normal" before getting pregnant ie. menstruating and the proper baby environment? They said all is fine and healthy so thats good.

Did others watch Oprah? I found it interesting, he never said he felt like a man from a young age or that he was necessarily transgendered, just that he wanted to live how he felt but didn't see himself as being in the wrong body. It was quite a contrast from other interviews with people who've undergone sex changes to become what they've felt themselves to be inside from such a young age.

 

[Aprilrobin]

The thing is, he might be a man, but he's not male. He has female genes and reproductive organs. men don't have wombs. So this isn't really a pregnant man. The story is ure sensationalism. There are many transexuals with children.

 

[BeautyPsycho]

Gender is not simply defined by what you have between your legs... it's someone's own sense of identification as a male or female.
He feels like a man. You can't just wake up one day and say "Hey, I really should become a man today..." it's a long process... Person has to go through psychological evaluations, therapy etc. So yeah, I would say whoever went through the process REALLY knows what gender they feel like.

sorry if I'm not making sense, Im tired lol

 

[xsnowwhite]

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Originally Posted by Aprilrobin The thing is, he might be a man, but he's not male. He has female genes and reproductive organs. men don't have wombs. So this isn't really a pregnant man. The story is ure sensationalism. There are many transexuals with children.

i completely agree.

 

[MACATTAK]

I watched the Oprah show too. It was interesting to me that he used to be into modeling and makeup, and seemed pretty girlie! I agree with the others that technically he is not a male, just wanting to live as a male with female parts (or mostly female parts) as he was able to grow a small penis. If it works for them, then it's not up to anyone else to say it's not right.

 

[user79]

Wow this is a tough one! But I had a few initial reactions...

First, I am not really all that supportive of messing with nature as much as this couple has done. I understand that some transgendered people engage in hormone therapy to help make them look like the opposite sex, and I guess that's fine. But then the whole sperm bank thing on top of that, artificially inseminating...should science have a limit somewhere? Where we draw boundaries and say, until here and no further? I don't like the idea of messing with nature too much, when it is not a life or death situation, for example. Nature did not intend people to turn into the other sex, nature did not intend for people to make test tube babies. But, I understand that this is part of society now and I also realize the hardships infertile or transgendered people face, so I am willing to accept it because everyone should be allowed to live their life as they wish - but there is a limit to how much we should be interfering with natural biology, imo.

On the other hand, the discrimination these doctors showed towards the couple is utterly hypocritical. Doctors need to practice ethics, but on the other hand, they are the persons who sort of created this situation in the first place. The medical profession is the entity who does invitro, encourages sperm banks, and does transgender operations. It was only a matter of time that such a situation arose. In other words, they made their bed, now they can lie in it? It seems hypocritical in a way for them to refuse to administer to this couple, when all their chosen avenues of medicine have been legitimized.

I def think in this case, the couple should have chosen adoption. Not only for their sake, but for the child's. That child is going to face a world of ridicule and discrimination, and while it's unfortunate that this happens in our society, where people can't be more accepting, that is the reality. I do believe that children really need the traditional mother and father roles in their lives, and in this case, those roles are so muddled. An adopted child could be loved and nurtured the same as a biological child, I wonder why this couple didn't go this route?

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by BeautyPsycho Gender is not simply defined by what you have between your legs... it's someone's own sense of identification as a male or female. He feels like a man. You can't just wake up one day and say "Hey, I really should become a man today..." it's a long process... Person has to go through psychological evaluations, therapy etc. So yeah, I would say whoever went through the process REALLY knows what gender they feel like. sorry if I'm not making sense, Im tired lol

You make sense but I don't agree. Genetically, hormonally, etc., that's a female. I can feel like a mushroom, and seek treatment to live and be like a mushroom, but I'm still not a mushroom, no matter how badly I want to be one.

 

[Beauty Mark]

The gender thing is a complex issue that I've never fully made an opinion on besides if that's what you feel so strongly about and you aren't hurting someone, go for it.

I'm very much for adoption in as many circumstances as possible. There are too damn many children without homes. Seriously. You don't have be all Mia Farrow about it and collect them like cats, but a child is not yours simply because it came out of your body. Many families are not biologically related, such as stepchildren, and often times the children are just as close as if they shared the same genes and that the stepparent is just as important (or sometimes, moreso) that the biological one.

Then again, I'm adopted, so I have a bias.

With this particular couple, they probably would've struggled to adopt. I don't know which would've been more difficult, adopting or having children this way.

As for the familial situation, I don't feel like having a man and a woman is that critical for a child to grow up well rounded and happy. There are plenty of people who grow up non-traditional families. Single parents (never marrying, divorce, deceased spouse), stepfamilies, etc. Perhaps providing the child with access to people to talk to (like an uncle if you're a single mother with a son), but some people don't feel comfortable talking to their parents anyway.

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

I can understand that Mr. Beatie sees himself as a man and lives his life this way, the truth of the matter is that he was born a woman and remains a woman in every aspect other than his body shape and state of mind. This story has been blown way out of proportion all over the world, and I don't agree with calling Mr. Beatie a pregnant man, because he techincally isn't.

 

[duckduck]

I would say that scientifically he is a woman, but socially he is a man. So, I would use the male pronoun to refer to him, and speak to him as if I thought he were a man, but still believe that scientifically (genetically) speaking, he's a woman.
Genetically speaking, women can have babies. In fact, we were designed to do so. So, if he is a genetic woman, I see no problems with him having a child. Sure it's a little odd, but, from the child's perspective, she will have two parents who love her - who cares what their (scientific or social) genders are?
As for adopting, I don't know if this would be possible. The people who live across the way from us adopted two girls at 14 and 15 years old who couldn't be adopted by their lesbian foster parents. They loved their foster parents dearly, and very much wanted to be adopted by them, but the State of California said no, and wanted to transfer them to another foster home. This other couple's case may be different since legally, he is a man. I would guess, however, that sexual reassignment precludes one from ever being able to adopt. And, before anyone says or thinks it, the two girls who were raised by the lesbians are not now man-hating lesbians.
So I am in the "get of my lawn, and I'll stay off of yours" camp. I think these people are just as capable of deciding to have a child as I or anyone else is, and more power to them for finding a way to do it. Also, if you want to be a man/woman/mushroom, I'm more than happy to let you, and refer to you as such. That being said, a man can still be a genetic woman and have a baby, and Shimmer, you're still a genetic human, so I'm not gonna chop you up and fry you with shallots to put over my steak

. What I am getting at is I would say "Pregnant man" if that was what he wanted to be referred to as, but this is no miracle of science or genetics, biologically speaking, he is just another pregnant woman.

 

[trip75]

Yikes yikes yikes! I don't even know. This is such a awkward thing. I get both sides. I just feel he chose to be male...giving up his female side, that should include being able to carry a child. Just my opinion. There are so many children to be adopted. I think it might have been a better option. Again...just my opinion!

 

[flowerhead]

this doesn't come as a suprise to me....that transgendered person is extremely lucky to be in control of his fertility, where most are not. good luck to him.

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by flowerhead this doesn't come as a suprise to me....that transgendered person is extremely lucky to be in control of his fertility, where most are not. good luck to him.

If they're not, it's because they didn't make good decisions. He stated that he mainained control of his reproductive rights by keeping his organs.