I have two...the second is my utterly favourite joke ever!
this one quite vile but my grandad told my cousin it the other day...
A man is walking down the street and he sees a shop with two signs in the window. One sign says "Pies sold here" and the other sign says "we also do hand jobs" So the man goes into the shops and says to the pretty young lady behind the counter "Love, is it you that gives the hand jobs?" and she replies shyly "why, yes..." so the man says "well go and wash your hands, cos I want a pie!"
and joke number two, not many people appreciate this joke, so i apologise in advance if you think its incredibly un-funny but it tickles me so...
A man goes into a bar and he's got an orange for a head. The barman looks at him and says "excuse me sir? I don't mean to be rude, but I have to ask, why is your head an orange?"
The man sits down and says "well its a long story, but it started when I was tidying my attic a few months ago, and I found a lamp. It was a bit grubby so I polished it up and a genie popped out. The genie said to me since I had released him from his prison, he would grant me three wishes.
Well, I thought about what I'd like for quite a long time and the genie was hurrying me along and eventually I say "OK OK! I would like to be really really rich! A house full of fifty pound notes!" So the genie clicks his fingers and voila - my house was full of money!
Well now wish one is out the way the pressure is on to decide on wish two. I thought about it for days and days! Eventually I decided, so I went to the genie and said, "Ok, for wish two I would like world peace." So, genie snaps his fingers and there is world peace. The genie sighs and says "master it's time for wish three" and I said "Oh no, I know what I want! An orange for a head!"
Oh I do love bad jokes
I know so many!
