all you are to me is a p*ssy...

[Beauty Mark]

I don't imagine it'll be easy leaving him, but staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy is so unhealthy.

You need to first talk to him when he's sober and rational. Explain how his behavior affects you and give him an ultimatum. Make sure you have family and friends to help you through things, if you two end up breaking up.

Leaving someone you love is never easy, even if they treat you poorly. But it's going to destroy you unless he starts changing.

 

[athena123]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly the thing is that we've been together for over 4 years now so it will be VERY hard for both of us to say goodbye, he just started drinking in the last year and this is when all the emotional abuse started, it doesn't happen as often or as extreme while he is sober. i know hes an a**hole and i hate him for it but i really do still love him. i feel really stupid for loving him too because i know he dosen't deserve a girl like me who goes through hell for him. i know i should leave but i still can't. it was just SO f*cking perfect the first years we met, i thought i f*cking dreamed this man alive

Honey chile, I don't know you but I feel very sorry you're going through this. Staying with him won't help make things better; he'll take this as permission to treat you badly. This could lead to even worse abuse. I've been with a guy who drank too much and things never got better until I left him. And I would NEVER allow someone to talk like that to me. I don't care how much you love him and how much it hurts, NO ONE should talk to you like that and get away with it.

 

[chameleonmary]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly the thing is that we've been together for over 4 years now so it will be VERY hard for both of us to say goodbye, he just started drinking in the last year and this is when all the emotional abuse started, it doesn't happen as often or as extreme while he is sober. i know hes an a**hole and i hate him for it but i really do still love him. i feel really stupid for loving him too because i know he dosen't deserve a girl like me who goes through hell for him. i know i should leave but i still can't. it was just SO f*cking perfect the first years we met, i thought i f*cking dreamed this man alive

Ahh, theyre always perfect at the beginning! You know what you need to do but cannot bring yourself around to doing it. Smokers know they should quit but can't, shopaholics should quit but can't (I am talking from experience, eh!) and really any addict or -aholic should stop but the hardest thing is doing it.

BUT...

When they do, they feel better (possibly except for the shopaholics

) and the saying "time heals all wounds" really is true... except you already have the wounds, if you don't leave the source, when will they ever really heal?

Good luck, I hope whatever choice you make, it is the best for you.

 

[Xqueeze_me]

That is just RUDE! What a prick. :/

Seriously, this relationship is verbally abusive and its just not worth having him make you feel like shit when you're so much better than that!! WAY BETTER! You deserve better!!

When my heart got broken, my friends were there for me and kept telling me its not worth it to cry over that asshole (Long story but in a nutshell, he lied and he's a MAJOR hypocrite). These few sentences made me realise its quite true:

• Be yourself and you don't have to change yourself for someone ("Prettifying" yourself is not changing yourself, I know)
• You'll look back and laugh about this then move on (I'm still trying to move on...)
• You don't deserve someone who treats you like shit. You deserve better. Always do!

There is no point staying in a relationship where you're not happy. I find that very unhealthy and it just wrecks your emotions. In the long run, it'll take a toll on your emotional and physical health. I know I don't have the place or permission to tell you what to do but I'm just concerned for you. We here are concerned for you.

Sorry, you have to go through that, darling, but I hope for the best for you and YOU DESERVE BETTER!

 

[Honey B. Fly]

do u guys think a man like him deserves a second chance, like should i even be wanting to help him change? we did have a long talk yesterday and all i really got out of him was that its not me and he drinks purely from stress. and we are both stressed right now about money and ect. typical stess, i dont drink mine away though and i do not take it out on him. i want us to work through it together. he always says not to listen to him when hes drunk and hes like so f*cking nice the next morning, it is so confusing.

i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

 

[flowerhead]

wow. i've never heard any man saying such grotesque things about their girlfriend.

 

[glamdoll]

I honestly and WHOLE heartedly hope you leave. I hope you walk out of this relationship before its too late. First comes the verbal abuse, it wont be long before it turns physical. 4 yrs isnt that long, you have the REST of your life!

Its his own fault he drinks. Its his own fault he acts the way he does. HE is responsible for HIMSELF. And as much as you want him to change, he WONT, until HE wants to change.

Im telling you because it happened to my aunty and guy cut her by the throat w/ a knife and left her for dead, thank GOD a family friend found her and now she has been married 20yrs and has 3 kids.

DOnt wait till it turns worse.

 

[MiCHiE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly do u guys think a man like him deserves a second chance, like should i even be wanting to help him change? we did have a long talk yesterday and all i really got out of him was that its not me and he drinks purely from stress. and we are both stressed right now about money and ect. typical stess, i dont drink mine away though and i do not take it out on him. i want us to work through it together. he always says not to listen to him when hes drunk and hes like so f*cking nice the next morning, it is so confusing. i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

Maybe he shouldn't talk that way, drunk or not. I'll be honest wth you....no man I've ever been with has called me a bitch or said anything disrespectful like what you've written. It should never happen, drunk or sober. He could apologize forever.....the fact that you accept it by sticking around only gives him another chance to do it---and know that you'll just take it. And, if your father was like this, you already know it's time to break the cycle. You don't deserve this.

 

[MiCHiE]

And, think of this too...You're 22 with all the stress you already have, you don't need the additional stress of wondering what BS your man will spew everytime he decides to get toasted.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly do u guys think a man like him deserves a second chance, like should i even be wanting to help him change? we did have a long talk yesterday and all i really got out of him was that its not me and he drinks purely from stress. and we are both stressed right now about money and ect. typical stess, i dont drink mine away though and i do not take it out on him. i want us to work through it together. he always says not to listen to him when hes drunk and hes like so f*cking nice the next morning, it is so confusing. i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

Sure he deserved a second chance. The first time he said something like this and you didn't kick his ass to the curb was his second chance. The next time he did it and you let him get away with it was the third, and the next time was the fourth... You get my drift?

How many chances are you planning to give this guy to treat you like you're worthless? And how many chances to find the guy who will give you love and respect are you going to waste while you're giving this guy as many chances as he wants? Maybe he will change. Are you willing to waste another four years, or eight, or a whole lifetime to see? I know you love him. Trust me, love means a lot more when the person you love, loves you back the same way. He's not the only person who you can love.

 

[user79]

If you are determined to "stay" in this relationship, I would opt for a break and tell him he needs to get help to stop his drinking problem, like joining AA or speaking to a counselor before he can continue a relationship with you. If you are living together, I would move out. If he is serious about making it work, he will get help. Then you can always see if he has made changes. If he doesn't, then I would move on. It's for the best.

 

[Beauty Mark]

He needs to realize that stressed or not, he has an issue with alcohol if it's truly making him say stuff he doesn't mean. You not listening isn't the issue; him drinking and being an asshole is. Besides how hurtful his drinking is to you, what if he says the wrong thing to the wrong person when out? "I'm drunk" doesn't fly to strangers most of the time.

I would tell him he needs to seek help for dealing with the stress if he wants to stay with you

 

[Jennifer Mcfly]

honestly, if he respected you and loved you there are many better, more flattering ways for him to get his point across that you turn him on. if it was about love and passion then he wouldn't be so disrespectful about it. he would be romantic about it.
i think he needs to be booted. no excuses.

 

[athena123]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

NOOOO!

All men do NOT say things like this every once in awhile, drunk or not! That your father was like this and your mother accepted this kind of talk may explain why you tolerate this. A man who is a man that really likes women will not say things like this. EVER.

I watched my mom get beaten up by her drunken 2nd husband when I was 15 years old and learned a lesson in what NOT to put up with. Thankfully she divorced him after only 6 months and she nearly wound up in the hospital. He hit me and my brother while we were trying to get him away from our mom and that's what finally woke her up to the awful mistake she made when she married him. I'll never allow someone to strike me or say horrible things to me. My tolerance for men who drink too much is zero as well. Your guy's behavior is neither acceptable, normal nor honorable.

If he excuses it with drinking, then he has 2 problems that you can't solve. A tendency toward violence and a tendency to drink too much. You honestly deserve better, please do yourself a favor and leave him before it escalates. You're better than this and you will find you are STRONG!

 

[*KT*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile?

Absolutely not! A quality man would never say anything to make you feel like you're nothing but a piece of ass. A man who says things like that is trying to beat down your self-esteem.

It's not you who needs to "not listen to him when he drinks" but him who needs to find another way to handle his stress and needs to develop a sense of respect for his woman before she leaves his abusive ass.

Don't be his doormat! And if you give him an ultimatum regarding his behavior, really mean it and stick by what you say. Tell your best friend, a sister, or someone who'll be strong for you and help you follow through with whatever the consequenses are for him acting like this again. There are men out there who will act like men and treat you with respect. You don't need to stick with one who won't do this.

 

[_trimm_trabb]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

No, they most definitely don't. Your father had no right to treat your mother that way just as this guy has no right to. I have been with my fiance for three years, and in that time, even in the heat of a bad argument or after a night of drinking, he has never called me a bitch or any other degrading names.

There is NO excuse for your boyfriend's behavior, and trust me, there are PLENTY of men out there who know how to treat women with respect. As a previous poster said, yes he deserved a second chance...but he must be on his 200th chance by now. Give him the boot, no questions asked. You don't want to fix this. You need to get out.

 

[Sithean]

"the thing is that we've been together for over 4 years now so it will be VERY hard for both of us to say goodbye, he just started drinking in the last year and this is when all the emotional abuse started, it doesn't happen as often or as extreme while he is sober. i know hes an a**hole and i hate him for it but i really do still love him. i feel really stupid for loving him too because i know he dosen't deserve a girl like me who goes through hell for him. i know i should leave but i still can't."

First, let me say I'm so very, very sorry for what you're going through. Second, please... please listen to folks who have "been there, done that." I don't post much on forums, and my words are harsh, but it breaks my heart to think of you being talked to like this. You are a precious, courageous creature, and you deserve more.

Let me be blunt. You're making excuses. You know he treats you like ****, and yet you keep making more excuses. It starts with alcohol, it continues with verbal abuse, and it can end with you trying to find which shade of makeup will cover the bruises around your throat, so you don't have to explain what happened to you. I'm not saying it will, but don't for one sweet second think it can't.

Leave him. Now. People like that can and will leave you never quite trusting another man. You are worth so much more, and you should drop him NOW - while you still believe it. I don't for a second think you are to blame for his behavior, and you must stop thinking that one word of his drivel is deserved.

I'm praying for you.

 

[MiCHiE]

That fact that you've started this thread speaks volumes. Like someone else said, you already know the answer. This is more about validation than it is advice.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey B. Fly do u guys think a man like him deserves a second chance, like should i even be wanting to help him change? we did have a long talk yesterday and all i really got out of him was that its not me and he drinks purely from stress. and we are both stressed right now about money and ect. typical stess, i dont drink mine away though and i do not take it out on him. i want us to work through it together. he always says not to listen to him when hes drunk and hes like so f*cking nice the next morning, it is so confusing. i honestly thought all men say things like that every once in awhile? i swear every man i hear talking around here is like that. my father was like this also.

CHANGE?? He'll NEVER change. Men of his type don't and won't in a million trillion years change. And you'll never 'help' him change, either...So MANY wonderful women have made that mistake "I KNOW I can make him change..." "If he really loves me, and I know he does, he'll change"....Et Cetera, Et. Cetera, etc.

He's nice the next morning, because in abusive relationships (and make NO mistake, that's just what this it), it's literally called the "Honeymoon Period": "Baby, I'll never hit you again (nuzzle, kiss, kiss, hug, hold...all that shit chicks love)...."Here..these (roses) are for you..they're a symbol of our never-ending love for each other" (then, lots of other B.S. and some 'makeup sex'). Yeah...that 'bout sums that up....Maybe it's not exactly your relationship verbatum (and maybe he's never hit you..yet), but please don't tell me that this rhetoric has NO truth to it at all!!!! That's what abuse is.....The "Honeymoon Period" is just a ruse so the woman won't walk away after all the abuse she's taken....And she'll be taken in by his "love" for her. He may not be hitting you, but it's abuse. There's physical abuse, and sexual abuse, and then there's emotional/mental abuse...which hurts just as much (if not more) than a fist.

Sweetheart, you'll never make him change, and you're only kidding yourself if you think what you have is some great love. YOU may love him. But, men like this cannot and do not love ANYone (I know that hurts, and that's NOT my intent...I'm simply being very, very truthful..I don't mean to be mean, or rude..) Bottom line: He's mean to you. He hurts you. He makes you doubt yourself. THAT IS ABUSE. Any man that makes a woman doubt herself enough to ask advice on a forum (which, I'm not saying seeking advice here is wrong in ANY way...just stating the facts) is ABUSIVE. AND THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE. Remember, they don't have to hit or rape you to be abusive to you. I hope you find the strength to do what you must. I've seen SO many beautiful, intelligent, articulate women get positively destroyed because of men. Don't let yourself be one of them...."You're only a pussy" is destroying you..inside. Make NO mistake about it.

 

[Kuuipo]

Who doesn't have stress? Using that excuse to get drunk (which is not a coping mechanism) and reduce the person who should mean more to them than anything else on the planet to just a hole to be fucked is inexcusable. Atleast you recognize there is a problem. Run,now. We are often drawn to people who resemble family members unconsciously. You do not need to live the life of a codependant. There are better men out there.