Bi Women

[silverblackened]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii You all make it sound like its so easy to just up and go get another boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with HIM. I just want him to see my side of the story.

No, it isn't easy. And it sounds like you're really serious about spending the rest of your life with him. It's great that you're able to think long-term with him, but then you need to consider what if he can't come round to your side of the argument? What if he is never able to be comfortable with you sleeping with other girls outside of your committed relationship with him? Would you be able to respect that and not give in to your own desires?

It's very hard because there isn't a right or wrong side to your problem. Both of you have equally valid needs that, well, need to be addressed. For your sake, I'm glad he's willing to think and talk about the situation, but be aware that he might not end up agreeing with you anyway. If you feel compromised by having to do things his way, or if he feels the same in a reverse situation, then the relationship might not be the best thing for both of you.

*hugs* Good luck with it.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii You all make it sound like its so easy to just up and go get another boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with HIM. I just want him to see my side of the story. And we had a talk last nite. I couldn't get much out of him. But I used points that were made (basically just by Shimmer) in this thread. He said that if anything like that happened that a) he wouldnt break up with me and b) he would still love me but c) he wouldn't be happy. He said he needed some time to think about it and we would continue our talk tomorrow.. Hopefully it turns out good. =/ This is the only problem I see in our relationship right now. If we can work this out then I will be the happiest person in the world. Because he really is an amazing boyfriend.

I don't think it's easy to leave you boyfriend, but once y'all come to your conclusion, you'll have to figure out of it is something you can live with.
I couldn't live with a man who exploited my proclivities, and was jealous of any of my attention on any member of either sex.
If you and he can reach a compromise you can both live with, where you're both happy, by all means, please do! The world needs more love!

 

[DevinGirl]

This is a really interesting dilemna. One that sort of mimics what I'm going through w/ the husband. I think I'll start another post, as I don't want to steal your thread thunder, eighmii...but, I understand loving him & not wanting an open relationship, but still feeling sort of stuck in the middle. You're doing the right thing by having open & honest communication. I know sometimes it might not feel that way, but that's all you can do. I respect the hell out of you for not just running off & having sex w/ women (or whoever for that matter) without stopping & seeing how your boyfriend feels about it. I truly believe being honest & upfront is the hub of every successful relationship.

You're dealing with some serious emotions & that makes it difficult when the 2 parties don't necessarily share the same opinion. If you love each other enough you'll find your own way. Maybe he'll start to see more emphathetically where you're coming from, or maybe you'll learn that you can be happy & satisfied popping in a lesbian porn once in awhile. Only time & communication between you & he will tell. Good luck & thanks for posting this b/c now I feel comfortable addressing my own issue at hand. Off to post about it!

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DevinGirl This is a really interesting dilemna. One that sort of mimics what I'm going through w/ the husband. I think I'll start another post, as I don't want to steal your thread thunder, eighmii...but, I understand loving him & not wanting an open relationship, but still feeling sort of stuck in the middle. You're doing the right thing by having open & honest communication. I know sometimes it might not feel that way, but that's all you can do. I respect the hell out of you for not just running off & having sex w/ women (or whoever for that matter) without stopping & seeing how your boyfriend feels about it. I truly believe being honest & upfront is the hub of every successful relationship. You're dealing with some serious emotions & that makes it difficult when the 2 parties don't necessarily share the same opinion. If you love each other enough you'll find your own way. Maybe he'll start to see more emphathetically where you're coming from, or maybe you'll learn that you can be happy & satisfied popping in a lesbian porn once in awhile. Only time & communication between you & he will tell. Good luck & thanks for posting this b/c now I feel comfortable addressing my own issue at hand. Off to post about it!

I was a little nervous posting about this.. but I'm still new and I dont think people will be that much like "OMG you're bi!"

Thanks for everything you said. You made me feel a little better about all this.

 

[DevinGirl]

Quote:

I was a little nervous posting about this.. but I'm still new and I dont think people will be that much like "OMG you're bi!" Thanks for everything you said. You made me feel a little better about all this.

For that I'm glad. I hope all turns out well for you. I feel a bit better & a bit 'cleansed' now, as I just posted my thread. Thanks again for posting. If you hadn't it wouldn't have triggered some very important thoughts of my own!

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Everyone has a different set of values, and I don't think monogamy is that awful or that major generally to ask out of someone.

This i totally agree with...

I understand your pov in how being with a woman is different than being with a man. And that there are things a woman can offer that a man just can't in a relationship, both physical and emotional.

However, to him, monogomy might also be a very important part of being in a long term satisfying relationship. I know it is for me. And while I can understand that different people have different needs, and I wouldn't judge my SO on his past choices, just as I hope he would understand all of mine. But while we are together, I would hope that regardless of the urges that we both feel, the fact that we are together would be more important/satisfying than any urge of the moment eigther of us might feel towards another.

Thats one of the harder parts of being in a relationship, at least for me. But also one of the more rewarding. Is resisting all the temptations that life has to offer. Not to mention, there are things that I will only do in a monogomous relationship, like not making him use a condom. And that type of trust requires that the both of us are committed to each other 100%.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae This i totally agree with... I understand your pov in how being with a woman is different than being with a man. And that there are things a woman can offer that a man just can't in a relationship, both physical and emotional. However, to him, monogomy might also be a very important part of being in a long term satisfying relationship. I know it is for me. And while I can understand that different people have different needs, and I wouldn't judge my SO on his past choices, just as I hope he would understand all of mine. But while we are together, I would hope that regardless of the urges that we both feel, the fact that we are together would be more important/satisfying than any urge of the moment eigther of us might feel towards another. Thats one of the harder parts of being in a relationship, at least for me. But also one of the more rewarding. Is resisting all the temptations that life has to offer. Not to mention, there are things that I will only do in a monogomous relationship, like not making him use a condom. And that type of trust requires that the both of us are committed to each other 100%.

I totally respect your opinion. And I agree to some extent. This is why I said earlier that if he decides that being with a woman is a total no-no, then I'll just have to deal.

But then its really hard to think though.. Like, do I think I can go my entire life only being with a man. And never being able to be with a woman again.

I really love him a lot and I have to do what I have to do.. but do I just go about being unhappy? Or maybe once I do it just once it will be out of my system?

UUUGHHH I'm going crazy. So many thoughts going through my head.

 

[Shimmer]

You said you're 18 right?



There's a LOT of livin' left to do. A LOT.

I am not the same person today I was at 18. Or 20. Or 23.

Just...keep that in mind.

 

[Beauty Mark]

If you think you're going to be very unhappy, making that sacrifice isn't worth it.

I think it's very normal to have some kind of anxiety when it comes to being with one person, regardless of sexual orientation.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii But then its really hard to think though.. Like, do I think I can go my entire life only being with a man.

We all go through that though if we decide to be in a comitted monogomous relationship. Be it going our entire life just being with a man, and not with another woman. Or going the rest of our lives just being with ONE man, and being off-limits to all of the other guys I get turned on by, relationship or not LOL.

Monogomy is hard, and I think thats why so many people fail, and end up cheating. Or you can be in a open relationship. But also know that while you may have the freedom to get it out of your system now and again, he should also have that option, be it with another man, or woman.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer You said you're 18 right?

yes. I know you're probabley thinking shes so young and naive and so on. I get it a lot. But my boyfriend and I are pretty serious for an 18 and 20 year old relationship.. We live together and were getting ready to move away together (just to Ft Lauderdale, like 40 minutes away). We've been dating for about a year and a half.

I know. I have so much to learn and so much of life to experience. And things will probabley change so much in life for me.

But I just have a lot going on right now and I need to figure things out before I go insane.

But I must say also, I'm a little too old for my age. Like "wise beyond my years" but I dont really think I'm wise. But I do think I'm more mature than most girls my age. =/

 

[Raerae]

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Originally Posted by Shimmer You said you're 18 right? There's a LOT of livin' left to do. A LOT. I am not the same person today I was at 18. Or 20. Or 23. Just...keep that in mind.

LOL so true....

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO different than the person I was even just a year ago. And i look back at who I was at 18 and laugh...

lol...

Even funnier is I'm still on contact with people who are like 21 ish. And it's crazy, but I was JUST like them just a few year ago. But they sound so YOUNG now. It's amazing how fast your life changes in just a few years.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer You said you're 18 right? There's a LOT of livin' left to do. A LOT. I am not the same person today I was at 18. Or 20. Or 23. Just...keep that in mind.

I'm not the same person I was last year. And 18? Ha. Thank God I'm not the same person I was then.

When I look back at things, read old journals, etc., I often think, "WTF was I thinking?" The people who meant the most to me, exs, etc.- some of them are still a part of my life, some are not.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii yes. I know you're probabley thinking shes so young and naive and so on. I get it a lot. But my boyfriend and I are pretty serious for an 18 and 20 year old relationship.. We live together and were getting ready to move away together (just to Ft Lauderdale, like 40 minutes away). We've been dating for about a year and a half. I know. I have so much to learn and so much of life to experience. And things will probabley change so much in life for me. But I just have a lot going on right now and I need to figure things out before I go insane. But I must say also, I'm a little too old for my age. Like "wise beyond my years" but I dont really think I'm wise. But I do think I'm more mature than most girls my age. =/

Heh... You should print this, and seal it in a envalope, and open it when your 25. I PROMISE you, you'll look back and laugh at how, "grown up and mature" you thought you were. There really is no substitue for time.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Heh... You should print this, and seal it in a envalope, and open it when your 25. I PROMISE you, you'll look back and laugh at how, "grown up and mature" you thought you were. There really is no substitue for time.

I don't think I'm grown up and mature.

I just think I'm pretty mature for my age.

You can still be young and go through problems like these.. can't you?

 

[Raerae]

Just one of MANY you'll go through in your life chica. Things will happen in a second that will change you forever. It's a wild ride

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii I don't think I'm grown up and mature. I just think I'm pretty mature for my age. You can still be young and go through problems like these.. can't you?

of course...but one of the things I've learned as I've gotten older (and I'm a decade older than you are...) is that in the past ten years...
Things I thought were important...weren't.
The opposite is also true.
People I thought loved me...didn't.
The opposite is also true.
Things and ideals I thought were core and intrinsic parts of my value system...changed. I thought I knew how to handle myself then, in many situations. Looking back, I was completely clueless.
The scope of experience I had in life at 18 years of age was so limited compared to now, and I know at 30 I'll say the same thing, and it's only 2 years away.

Please please don't think I'm talking down to you, patronizing you, or dismissing you, because I'm not...I'm just saying you've got a LOT of living to do...so much more than you really know...and if you, at this age, decide to tie yourself into something that will make you unhappy, you'll probably regret it. If you decide, at this age, to tie yourself into something that will deny a part of you forever, you'll probably regret it.

I'm not saying you are doing those things, I'm just saying, IF you do, you probably will, based on the things I've felt, seen, and experienced when in remarkably similar situations.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer of course...but one of the things I've learned as I've gotten older (and I'm a decade older than you are...) is that in the past ten years... Things I thought were important...weren't. The opposite is also true. People I thought loved me...didn't. The opposite is also true. Things and ideals I thought were core and intrinsic parts of my value system...changed. I thought I knew how to handle myself then, in many situations. Looking back, I was completely clueless. The scope of experience I had in life at 18 years of age was so limited compared to now, and I know at 30 I'll say the same thing, and it's only 2 years away. Please please don't think I'm talking down to you, patronizing you, or dismissing you, because I'm not...I'm just saying you've got a LOT of living to do...so much more than you really know...and if you, at this age, decide to tie yourself into something that will make you unhappy, you'll probably regret it. If you decide, at this age, to tie yourself into something that will deny a part of you forever, you'll probably regret it. I'm not saying you are doing those things, I'm just saying, IF you do, you probably will, based on the things I've felt, seen, and experienced when in remarkably similar situations.

I totally agree with all of that. I know I have a LOT of growing up to do. Yeah, I moved out and I live with my boyfriend, but I could still walk to my moms house if I wanted.

And I'm not like.. getting married tomorrow. If things don't end up working out I'm not gonna stay unhappy forever, but I am willing to try and work together with him so we can come to an agreement. Because I do love him, and I can see us being together for a really long time. Thats what long term relationships are about.. working together to make it work. Atleast to me..

But thanks for putting it nicely. I was sortof feeling like my problem didn't matter because of my age judging by how some of the other posts were worded..

The thing is though is that this a big deal to me right now, and its on my mind constantly. Its driving me crazy. And I came here to try and get some good advice from some older and wiser women.

 

[Shimmer]

NO no, I wasn't trying to say it wasn't important, not at all, only encouraging you to consider something you may not have thought of in your decision making process.

Ultimately, all of this comes down to you have to do whatever makes YOU happy.
Quote:

Originally Posted by eighmii I totally agree with all of that. I know I have a LOT of growing up to do. Yeah, I moved out and I live with my boyfriend, but I could still walk to my moms house if I wanted. And I'm not like.. getting married tomorrow. If things don't end up working out I'm not gonna stay unhappy forever, but I am willing to try and work together with him so we can come to an agreement. Because I do love him, and I can see us being together for a really long time. Thats what long term relationships are about.. working together to make it work. Atleast to me.. But thanks for putting it nicely. I was sortof feeling like my problem didn't matter because of my age judging by how some of the other posts were worded.. The thing is though is that this a big deal to me right now, and its on my mind constantly. Its driving me crazy. And I came here to try and get some good advice from some older and wiser women.

 

[kimmy]

one of the first things i tell a guy before we get involved is that he might have to let me go for a night sometimes to be with a lady. i don't consider it cheating, and if he does, we don't get involved.

i agree with shimmer in that you need to lay it out for him. being with a woman sexually is immensly different from being with a man, but it isn't necessarily better. explain to him that this is the way you were born, and there is nothing anyone can do to change you, and he needs to support you in it, just as i'm sure you'd support him if he said he had the urge to be with another man.

i hope this all works out for you, because i have read so much about him here on specktra from you, and it seems that you really do love him. so i hope this is something you two can get through and end up with both of you being happy and fully satisfied.

edit: i totally missed the second page of this discussion somehow.

but anyhow, your problem is definately important. and it definately is something you need to work out. you and i are the same age, and in a year we will not be the same people...but on the same not, we aren't garunteed another year. nobody is, so anything you're dealing with now, you need to take care of now.