Bi Women

[Raerae]

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Originally Posted by Shimmer Honestly, it's something that unless you personally experience it, you really can't relate. You can say "Yeah, I can kinda see that" or put yourself as much in those shoes as possible, but no...you can't really imagine what it's like unless you KNOW.

I dunno. I just think it's funny how it's only "cheating" or whatever, if your doing it with the opposite sex. Sex is sex, doesn't matter if the other person has a penis or a vagina.

And it's really not fair to him to expect him to see that, if he wants a monogomous relationship. If you want to fuck girls on the side, you should have been up front with him about it. And if he's ok with it, great, have an open relationship. But to expect him to suddenly throw away his desire for a monogomous relationship just because you want to go down on another girl, is kind of unfair.

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by Raerae I dunno. I just think it's funny how it's only "cheating" or whatever, if your doing it with the opposite sex. Sex is sex, doesn't matter if the other person has a penis or a vagina. And it's really not fair to him to expect him to see that, if he wants a monogomous relationship. If you want to fuck girls on the side, you should have been up front with him about it. And if he's ok with it, great, have an open relationship. But to expect him to suddenly throw away his desire for a monogomous relationship just because you want to go down on another girl, is kind of unfair.

It all ultimately depends on what the defined boundaries of the relationship are.

We don't view sex with a female as cheating...unless it's hidden. :shrug:
That's an ok boundary for us. It may not be for someone else.

 

[Beauty Mark]

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I just think it's funny how it's only "cheating" or whatever, if your doing it with the opposite sex. Sex is sex, doesn't matter if the other person has a penis or a vagina.

It's only cheating if it's outside what the partners agreed to. I would be so pissed if I had a girlfriend who wanted to sleep around with guys from time to time. Same if I had a boyfriend who would want to sleep with guys from time to time. But that's how I am, and I'm not going to pretend any differently. Exclusivity in sex is something that would break a relationship for me.

It isn't cheating if you have an open relationship or are polyamorous, but you have to agree to those rules ahead of time.

 

[Shimmer]

Not only agree to them in the abstract but REALLY REALLY REALLY talk about them, discuss them, beat it to death, I mean cover every eventuality, discuss every thought, nook, niggle, giggle, wiggle, and twitch of emotion you may or may not have about the subject.

 

[Raerae]

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Originally Posted by Shimmer It all ultimately depends on what the defined boundaries of the relationship are. We don't view sex with a female as cheating...unless it's hidden. :shrug: That's an ok boundary for us. It may not be for someone else.

I've said that several times even in the last post I made, and I agree.

 

[Shimmer]

I know, but I want that point beaten to death....

None of y'all can define my relationship for me, nor can I define your relationship for you individually, and I think sometimes we all try to do that.

 

[*Stargazer*]

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Originally Posted by Shimmer I know, but I want that point beaten to death.... None of y'all can define my relationship for me, nor can I define your relationship for you individually, and I think sometimes we all try to do that.

You're right Shim, sometimes we project. Thing is though, in this case, its patently obvious that the OPs boyfriend considers her having sex with anyone other than him to be cheating, regardless of gender.

And to be brutally honest OP, I feel like you (at this point) are trying to get somebody to tell you how selfish he's being by feeling that way. And I apologize if that is not the case, but by constantly harping on how unhappy his decision is going to make you, you seem to be trying to use guilt to get your way.

And I'm with Rae on this one. You have no idea who I am sexually attracted to or if I like to blow goats in my spare time, so please don't assume.

 

[medusalox]

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Originally Posted by Shimmer It all ultimately depends on what the defined boundaries of the relationship are. We don't view sex with a female as cheating...unless it's hidden. :shrug: That's an ok boundary for us. It may not be for someone else.

The thing that sticks out to me is that the SO of the OP HAS outlined his boundaries. In my mind, that should be the end of the discussion. He's not comfortable with the idea...it's not like she's asking "Can I have pancakes today?" She's asking "Can I have sex with someone else today?". It'd be all well and fine if he was OK with it, but he's not, and it's really just not fair to expect him to be.

My SO and I had a very similar situation, actually. At the beginning of our relationship, I wanted the freedom to mess around with other girls if I wanted to. He wasn't too keen on the idea of sharing. We had a long talk about it, and I realized that I, personally, would rather have a strong relationship with him, than a relationship where he's pissed off but I'm having an extra-great sex life....(not that my sex life isn't fantastic...lol, you know what I mean!)

The fact of the matter is, in some relationships, like mine, and like the OPs, you just cannot have a strong commitment AND an open sexual relationship. Some people can, we can't...so we have to decide what situation we'd like to be in, and go from there.

 

[eighmii]

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Originally Posted by Raerae lol, thats an ignorant opinion. You have no idea who i've slept with, and what sex they have been ;p

I never said anyone wasn't gay or bi or anything. I shouldnt have capitalized it cause people got the wrong idea. All I meant was that all I wanted out of my original post was how bi women deal with being in a commited relationship. If their partners are okay with them being with other women, etc. I didnt mean to offend anyone. That wasn't what I had meant by my post. I know nothing about you or anyone else on this board.

 

[eighmii]

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Originally Posted by Ladybug10678 You're right Shim, sometimes we project. Thing is though, in this case, its patently obvious that the OPs boyfriend considers her having sex with anyone other than him to be cheating, regardless of gender. And to be brutally honest OP, I feel like you (at this point) are trying to get somebody to tell you how selfish he's being by feeling that way. And I apologize if that is not the case, but by constantly harping on how unhappy his decision is going to make you, you seem to be trying to use guilt to get your way. And I'm with Rae on this one. You have no idea who I am sexually attracted to or if I like to blow goats in my spare time, so please don't assume.

No I dont think hes being selfish at all. I said in my original post that I don't disagree with the fact that he considers it cheating. And I don't constantly harp these things to him.. I just vent on here because I can't to him. He has no idea how much this effects me. I brought it up once last night and I'm not gonna bring it up again until hes ready to talk.

And btw - we never really sat down and had a serious conversation about this before. Its just sortof came up from time to time and comments have been made. So he hasnt like ever layed it out there clearly how he feels.. I'm just gathering all his comments and trying to form a conclusion.

 

[Krasevayadancer]

I have always found this topic rather fascinating.
My current relationship is also my first relationship and has lasted over 2.5 years. The thought of sleeping with other people has crossed my mind, and thats only because i have only been with one person and have nothing to compare being with him to. I have presented this concern to him and his response was that he would never be able to look at me the same or continue to be with me if i ever even went out with another person (even if we took a break from each other)
I personally find this constricting and a little unfair so I sort of see where you are coming from eighmii. Girl or guy doesn't make this particular issue any easier. Although I think that it is every guys fantasy to see 2 girls get it on, it becomes a diff story when one of those girls is his girlfriend. Hope you work it out.

 

[user79]

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Originally Posted by eighmii You all make it sound like its so easy to just up and go get another boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with HIM. I just want him to see my side of the story. And we had a talk last nite. I couldn't get much out of him. But I used points that were made (basically just by Shimmer) in this thread. He said that if anything like that happened that a) he wouldnt break up with me and b) he would still love me but c) he wouldn't be happy. He said he needed some time to think about it and we would continue our talk tomorrow.. Hopefully it turns out good. =/ This is the only problem I see in our relationship right now. If we can work this out then I will be the happiest person in the world. Because he really is an amazing boyfriend.

It's good to give him some time to think about it, obviously he is lukewarm to the idea and not sure what to make of it yet. However, if he decides he is not OK with it, you have to accept it, or move on and find a partner that is. Every person has different limits of what they think is ok in a relationship, and it's up to him to set that boundary for himself.

The other thing you may consider is that he may feel pressured into saying it's ok with him, out of fear that he may lose you if he doesn't, or that you will do it secretly behind his back. So if he turns around and says, it's ok with him, really make sure that's what he actually means.

 

[eighmii]

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Originally Posted by MissChievous It's good to give him some time to think about it, obviously he is lukewarm to the idea and not sure what to make of it yet. However, if he decides he is not OK with it, you have to accept it, or move on and find a partner that is. Every person has different limits of what they think is ok in a relationship, and it's up to him to set that boundary for himself. The other thing you may consider is that he may feel pressured into saying it's ok with him, out of fear that he may lose you if he doesn't, or that you will do it secretly behind his back. So if he turns around and says, it's ok with him, really make sure that's what he actually means.

I'm glad you said all this. We actually talked about it last nite. He said that he thought about it and he thinks it will be okay as long as I tell him everything that happens. Believe me, I kept asking "Are you sure?" "Youre not just saying that?" "Is it really truly okay with you?" until he was almost getting mad.

His best friends girlfriend is also bi. So I think he talked to him.. and I know she does stuff with girls..

So I am a very happy girl today.

 

[DevinGirl]

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So I am a very happy girl today.

That's awesome! I'm a very happy & 'put at ease' kinda girl today

 

[Raerae]

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Originally Posted by eighmii I'm glad you said all this. We actually talked about it last nite. He said that he thought about it and he thinks it will be okay as long as I tell him everything that happens.

Not to be a negative nancy, but what happens if once you do it, and tell him, he's not ok with it? You said he thinks he'll be ok with it. Which doesn't mean that he will be. Again i'm not trying to rain on your parade, but it's obvious he's never been in this type of a situation before, and doesn't know how he'll react to it.

Also, once you open the door to a open relationship, you can never really close it. What are your feelings on if after you "scratch an itch" he wants to scratch one of his own with someone else. And plays the, "I let you do that, you have to let me do this" card. Are you ok with that?

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Believe me, I kept asking "Are you sure?" "Youre not just saying that?" "Is it really truly okay with you?" until he was almost getting mad.

You really wont know how he will really feel about this, until you do it.

 

[Shimmer]

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Originally Posted by Raerae Not to be a negative nancy, but what happens if once you do it, and tell him, he's not ok with it? You said he thinks he'll be ok with it. Which doesn't mean that he will be. Again i'm not trying to rain on your parade, but it's obvious he's never been in this type of a situation before, and doesn't know how he'll react to it. Also, once you open the door to a open relationship, you can never really close it. What are your feelings on if after you "scratch an itch" he wants to scratch one of his own with someone else. And plays the, "I let you do that, you have to let me do this" card. Are you ok with that? You really wont know how he will really feel about this, until you do it.

In all fairness, Raerae makes an excellent post.

 

[eighmii]

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Originally Posted by Raerae Also, once you open the door to a open relationship, you can never really close it. What are your feelings on if after you "scratch an itch" he wants to scratch one of his own with someone else. And plays the, "I let you do that, you have to let me do this" card. Are you ok with that?

No, its different. We discussed it in more detail last nite than I wrote. I really don't think its a big deal to him.. Its a whole long thing.. longlonglong. But really I think everything is fine, and I dont think he'd play that card.


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You really wont know how he will really feel about this, until you do it.

I realize this. Were gonna take it slow. I'm not just gonna go out and start bangin girls left and right.. If at any time I think he truly is uncomfortable then I will deal with that. I want him to be happy too.

 

[DevinGirl]

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I'm not just gonna go out and start bangin girls left and right..

lol...sorry, that's just funny. Well as I said before, I just wish you luck & you two will do what's best for you guys. It's a complicated situation that merits communication & it sounds like you are well off in that department. I dunno though that 'bangin girls left & right thing' just made me giggle so much, I actually have tears forming. Ahhhh, I'm sucha weirdo...

 

[eighmii]

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Originally Posted by DevinGirl lol...sorry, that's just funny. Well as I said before, I just wish you luck & you two will do what's best for you guys. It's a complicated situation that merits communication & it sounds like you are well off in that department. I dunno though that 'bangin girls left & right thing' just made me giggle so much, I actually have tears forming. Ahhhh, I'm sucha weirdo...

ahahaha. :teehee: (teeheeeeee)

Yes, I'm lucky to have found such a caring and understanding and open boyfriend at a young age. A lot of guys his age (20) are just so immature. I'm glad we can talk about serious things like this together and come to an agreement.

 

[Raerae]

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Originally Posted by eighmii No, its different. We discussed it in more detail last nite than I wrote. I really don't think its a big deal to him.. Its a whole long thing.. longlonglong. But really I think everything is fine, and I dont think he'd play that card.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

Just call my cynical with Men ;p I've been burned several times when it comes to disclosing personal things about past relationships, or expierences to readily trust them when they say it wont matter to them.

But I do hope he's ok with it, and that you have found someone who can understand that part of you.