is thirty too old for a nineteen year old?

[kimmy]

i'm thinking of getting back into the dating scene, because i've been put off from the idea of a relationship for quite some time due to past experiences...and i think i'm back to where i was before (meaning i can easily deal with things if they go wrong)

the guy i have in mind is eleven years my senior though. i'm nineteen and he's thirty. he doesn't act or look thirty by any means though haha. he's a really sweet guy and i love talking to him because we have alot in common and everything is just so natural and relaxed with him which is new to me.

i know he'd never pressure me for anything, which i know is what most people worry about when it comes to the subject of an age difference. i've experienced him after way too many drinks, and he's still a gentleman...so that's nice (and very new to me), as well.

the only thing that is making me really think whether or not i should go for it is the age difference. i don't think that love knows an age, but it's far too early to call it "love" so i don't know really...is an eleven year age difference too steep?

 

[sexypuma]

I think you should go with what you feel. When I was 19, my BF at the time was 12 years older. We stayed together 4years. We are still great friends. We hang out together all the time. Right now, my BF is 11 years older. We've been together 2 years and so far so good. We get along great. I guess I like them old, lol. Bottom line, if it feels right to you, go for it.

 

[mac~A~licious]

I think u should go for it. At least give it a try. He's 30, so he might be a bit more mature than guys your age. Not only that but maybe he's looking for someone more than just a fling. U seem like a mature girl and if u guys click then, WHY NOT?!!!

good luck

 

[Shimmer]

Keep in mind both of you have different expectations at this (and future) stages of life.
Exploration of options is great..and I totally endorse that, but keep in mind that (and I speak from experience here, my husband is 16 years older than I am) there will be moments when you butt heads because y'all are both at different phases in your life.

 

[Bernadette]

Yes, it is too old. Simple answer.
There aren't many things that a thirty year old and a nineteen year old should have in common that would make them have a compatible relationship. Chances are, he just wants a piece of nineteen year old tail.
Sorry to be so blunt but unless he is seriosuly stunted in his life and personailty, he shouldn't be able to relate to a nineteen year old on a level that would make her girlfriend material.

 

[aziajs]

I think that he is too old as well. I dated a lot of men who were older than I was when I was 20, 21, 22 etc and the problem that I had is that as cool as they may have seemed there were times that age really made a difference. Our interests, priorities and perspectives were different. The other problem is that older men often feel that they can manipulate younger women, which is often the case, because they have been around and they know the game. I'd honestly steer clear because, in reality, why would a 30 year old man want a 19 year old woman?

 

[Beauty Mark]

Generally speaking (and yes, there are exceptions), it's a bad idea. When you're 19, you more or less just got out of living at home. You have a new sense of freedom: you don't have to go to school if you don't want to, you can stay out late, etc. You're still figuring out who the hell you are and what you want to do with yourself. Being 30- it's old hat. You might heading to the bars, you've probably been building some kind of career, etc.

One of my good friends is in her 30s; we became friends because we were close to the same path in life (having to take care of her dying mother pushed her back in doing life stuff, like finishing college) at the same time. However, it's a far stretch from dating her and even now (we've been friends for about 4 years), our lives are deviating down different paths. She got married, has a child, and is really into that whole settling down thing, while I still go out, hang out, and am pretty focused on myself. We'll probably always be friends, but it's obvious we don't have quite so much in common as a friend closer to my age. And I repeat, it's not the same as dating someone her age, which I imagine the differences would be more exaggerated, especially if that person had a more typical life than my friend's.

 

[Ms. Z]

Yes. I also speak from experience.

 

[Hilly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Keep in mind both of you have different expectations at this (and future) stages of life. Exploration of options is great..and I totally endorse that, but keep in mind that (and I speak from experience here, my husband is 16 years older than I am) there will be moments when you butt heads because y'all are both at different phases in your life.

I agree!!!! Have yall talked about future goals and such? That will allow you to see where you stand and if there is compatibilit imho

 

[sexypuma]

I agree with you guys saying that they might have different expectations but that is also true for people of the same age group. I believe that expectations have more to do with one personnality and maturity level. Some people are ready to settle down in their 20s while some are not ready until well in their 40s. Let's not generalize. Some girls probably got taken advantage of but that doesn't mean that this particular relationship is going to fail. I don't know either one party personnaly but only kimmy can tell if this guys is a flake and if she is ready for a may-december type of relationship.

 

[TRUEFASHIONISTA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Keep in mind both of you have different expectations at this (and future) stages of life. Exploration of options is great..and I totally endorse that, but keep in mind that (and I speak from experience here, my husband is 16 years older than I am) there will be moments when you butt heads because y'all are both at different phases in your life.

I agree as well. I would just try not too get too seriously wrapped up in to the relationship. I, personally don't agree with not dating someone based on race or age. It should totally depend on what you are looking for out of a relationship and what you are bringing to the table. I will agree though that there are some "older" men that are looking for a naive younger female to whine and dine.

However, that does not apply to all men that are older than you and that does not apply to all "coming of age" women. By the time I was your age; I had accomplished things most of my peers, both male and female, had not even remotely come close too. So it was hard for me to relate with both sexes at 19. (But I know that I am more like the exception to the rule than the norm) Even now that I am married and my husband is several years older than me; we still have certain things that we have different perspectives on b/c of the pace that we progressed to maturity.

All in all, trust your instincts. Introduce him to your friends. How would your parents feel about this relationship? If you cannot feel totally comfortable with him as a person that you are dating, then I would take a step back. Otherwise, develop a solid rapor with him and re-evaluate in a few months. Just don't get too serious too soon .

Good luck dear!

 

[kaliraksha]

Yeah, for me the thing that irks me the most is why is a 30 yr old guy not well adjusted enough to date someone of his age? Kimmy, you are a fabulous gal... and I say if this is mostly for fun and companionship then go for it. If you plan for it to be serious you will probably have to deal with adjustment and compatibility issues later down the line and that needs to be worth it to you.

 

[macslut]

What concerns me is that he doesn't act 30. Is sounds like he is prowling? Is he recently divorced?

 

[kimmy]

i really think that the reason he doesn't act his age is because of his career. he's a pro athlete and most of the people on his team are younger than he is, so he doesn't spend a whole lot of time with people who are his age. he's mature, when he needs to be. but he can also relate to alot of things i'm into because the people he spends most of his time with are mid-twenties.

it would be for fun and companionship, because i'm not looking for a serious relationship right now anyway, but if it became that i wouldn't object or anything. as far as future goals, he's accomplished what he wanted to, and he's doing very well. he knows what i want to do with my life, and is very supportive of it.

he isn't recently divorced or anything, but he's had past troubles with ladies and is kind of in the same position i am with the whole idea of dating where he's kind of afraid of the idea, i think. maybe that's why we're getting along so well? and maybe why we're so close?

 

[kaliraksha]

Well that really doesn't sound too bad. I would give him a chance knowing and being prepared to acknowledge any age/phase differences you may have in the future.

I think it can work out if the younger person is at the maturity or understanding level of the older person in the relationship.

 

[Uchina]

I don't think that's too old! My boyfriend is 27 and I'm the same age as you. I think I'm more mature than him

 

[little teaser]

i agree with Bernadette totally, my friends daughter is 17 she is dateing/liveing with a 36 year old man, i have meet him and tried to like and accept him but i just cant get past the Big age diffrence, i just look at him like a perv after all he IS old enough to be her father

 

[melliquor]

I have a friend that can only relate to younger woman your age. he says he doesn't have any idea of what to talk to a woman of his age or what they are even interested in. It isn't a good if a man of 30 can only relate to people that are younger. His maturity level is stunted obviously. I would be very careful. I am 30 and wouldn't dream of dating somebody who is in their 20s let alone 19. I wouldn't have anything in common and we would be in different places in our lives. Also, what could you talk about? Music and tastes would most likely be different. He may like some of your stuff but eventually that would get old very quickly. Older guys are fun but there is a reason why it doesn't work out that often.

 

[Raerae]

I don't really judge people based on who they date. But if you were a close friend of mine, I'd probably wonder why. I think 11 years at 19, is a lot larger, than 11 years at 25, which is a lot larger than 11 years at 30. We've had these threads a lot, and I always think about how different I am now, compared to just a few years ago. I'm 25 now, almost 26 (August 31 *cry* ), and my boyfriend just turned 22 (in May). So I have like almost 4 years on him, and even just 4 years, I can see a big difference in where were at in our lives. I think when your the older one, it's easier to see how big a difference age makes. Which is why it's hard at time when your young, to understand why dateing older people doesn't always work. Speaking from expierence anyways.

I've been working full time for like 4+ years now, he's on summer vacation from college. He's never even had a real job, and still relies on money that his parents give him. He's still living at home (when he's not at school). He wants to party and go out and have a good time (all the stuff I did back when I was his age) like 7 days a week, I need to go to bed so can get up at 6am =P But realistically, him not being gainfully employed is a big issue for me. I don't dwell on it much, since right now I'm just haveing a good time with him, but I do think about it. Do I want to wait around for another year+ while he graduates college, maybe longer if he does a masters, and hope he getsa good job? Or do I want to turn the casual flirting I have with attractive men that I know have good jobs already, into something more. With him, it's a chance, when I could have something more grounded with someone closer to my age, or a little older.

Another huge thing? Children. I haven't even mentioned it to him, but I'm almost 26, and having children is on my mind more and more these days. I don't expect it to be on his mind at 22. In fact, I would be rather shocked if a college guy in his early 20's wanted to be a dad. It's not something I want right now, but it IS something I want to do in the next couple of years. So again, that puts me back where I was a moment ago. Do I want to take a chance with him that if we stay together, he will want to be a dad at like 24 to 25 (2 to 3 years)? Or do I focus my energy into a man who will be ready to be a father when I want to be a mother?

Thats just the tip of the iceburg when I think about my future with Brian. Right now it's fun. He's 22, he's into the gym, has a great body (6pak, pecs, great back/arms/legs, etc, omg yum lol), he's fun, we get along and he says he's crazy about me. He's a lot more into me, than I'm into him (I know this for a fact). But I think the reason were not both madly in love with each other, is because of all the things I think about now, that I didn't think about then (at his age). I also think, thats why it's often harder for women, do date younger guys. Compared to men dateing younger women. Even in 2007, I still see men as the "provider" in a relationship, so it color's my opinion on dateing men for just their looks, personality, etc. Wheras, I don't think men care as much about the job's their wives have, and some might not even want their wives to work, or not work full time. So it's easier for them to see a younger women as a future wife.

But regardless. If you choose to persue this, you have to understand that he may want things that your not ready for. And are you ok with that? Are you alright with giving up college/career to be a Mom if he wants kids in the next few years? Are you alright with the idea of marriage sooner, rather than later? Are you ok with moveing somewhere else with him, and leaving your family, friends, life behind, if his job demands that? Just a few of the things that are very real realities for a man who's 30, and something you may have to deal with, if you choose to date him. Not saying that these things don't happen to younger couple too. But it's the exception, not the norm for younger couples, compared to the norm, for older ones.

Sorry aboutthe long post... Kinda vented a bit of what I'm going through right now, after being with Brian for about 3 months.

 

[MisStarrlight]

I would say yes as well. I have several friends who have dated much older guys-and it's never really worked out (for a lot of the reasons that everyone above mentioned).
Ultimately, it does come down to your own decision & has to be a person-by-person case.

I have been w/ my bf for 4 years. He's only 5 years older than me, but even that has caused a ton of problems in our relationship. When we first got together we were at the same place in life. I was in college & he was working a dead-end retail job & living with mommy. Once we moved out of his mother's house things started to change. We were engaged. (I'm from an area where everyone marries under the age of 22 so this was nothing to me-at first.) As I was finishing up school & thinking about developing a career, I was actually rebelling in my head about anything that went along with that. I was burnt out from school & didn't want a career yet & all those plans of "settling down" went with it. So we became un-engaged. We managed to work through it & stay together, but I know it breaks his heart & he really really wants to marry me & to settle down-but I'm just not ready for that.

So yeah, if it's just a casual relationship (on both sides)-I say go for it. There's always something fun about messing with an older guy, but be aware of what you are getting yourself into and (try) to stay objective throughout the relationship & you'll be fine.