Moral Dilemma

[Raerae]

So long story short, a friend of a friend of mine (I know her, just never really clicked), was pregnant, but had a miscarriage. Sad I know. My first response was to be very sympathetic. I didn't know her that well, and thought it was her first baby. Her husband is in the military and is currently in Iraq. Anyways, so I felt really bad for her, and her husband because they lost a child. She was about 3-4 months.

During this conversation, he mentioned that she was a little girl that made big babies (all c-sections), and had problematic pregnancies. At which point, I asked how many kids did she have. He responded that they already had 4 children. At this point, my sympathy for them stopped. It was wierd, it just ended, like stoped on a dime ended...

I was just kinda thinking about it, and how my opinion on her miscarriage was so dramatically colored by the fact that she already had 4 other kids. I even said to my friend that, Maybe this was Gods way of telling them they dont need any more kids." Which considering the topic was a really mean thing to say (granted she'll never know I said that).

But anyways, am I wrong to not have any sympathy for her? I mean granted it's your right regardless of my opinion to get pregnant as much as you want. Even if I think anything more than 2, MAYBE 3, kids is excessive in todays world (at least in America). Or considering her previous children, is it OK to not have much sympathy? Especially considering she's going to get pregnant as soon as he returns again.

 

[*Stargazer*]

A miscarriage isn't any less horrendous because you already have children. Nor is it guaranteed she gets pregnant again when he returns. If he is lucky enough to return.

I won't tell you that you're wrong to not have any sympathy for her, but I will tell you that you sound callous and jugdmental about something that is a heartbreaking occurence regardless of circumstance. But as long as you keep it to yourself, there is no real harm done.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I think miscarrying is sad, regardless. Not as sad if she were told that she could never have kids or possibly if this were her first child, but I still think it's sad. It's a loss to her and her family.

You can't force yourself to feel sympathetic if you don't, but I would try to not let her know that you are not.

 

[Raerae]

She'll never know, as we'll never meet. It's just someone I know over the net.

 

[prinzessin784]

I can see where you're coming from. It's easy to feel sorry for someone who has had a miscarriage but hasn't had any other children, but if they already have kids it's not as though it will mean that they will never be able to have children, which would be really sad. A miscarriage is a sad experience either way I'm sure, but if you already have children you need to get up and carry on for them, which I imagine is very helpful in healing and moving on. Sometimes a miscarriage can be a sign of problems which can lead to infertility, so it's good that she already has kids and doesn't need to worry about that!

 

[GalleyGirl]

Honestly, I would not feel as bad for her knowing she already has four kids. I'd feel a lot worse for someone who was childless.

 

[Shimmer]

Children or not, that doesn't take away the emptiness one feels inside after a miscarriage.
That's like saying "oh, only ONE of your kids died...you still have three!!!" and expecting it to be well received.

That said...
I don't think there's aything morally wrong with your position, though it does somewhat come off as insensitive and judgemental. If she'll never know, and you can live with your opinion, then :shrug: that's what counts.

 

[flowerhead]

.....

 

[Shimmer]

Well, yes because losing a child is comparable to missing out on a limited edition eyeshadow.
You already have four shades similar to that one, why do you need another one anyway.

:roll:

 

[Shimmer]

I'm going to go ahead and add here, there are women on this site who have posted in the past that they've suffered problems conceiving, miscarriages, death of infants, problems adopting, numerous infertility treatments, etc., and before anyone else responds in this thread, I think it would be incumbent that the feelings of those people be taken into consideration.

Those who are saying "Oh you lost that one but you've got others anyway" seem to generally be the ones without children. Bear that in mind. You don't know what it's like to be a parent. You don't know what it's like to feel that life growing inside you. And, regardless of period of gestation, there is a connection between a woman and the child she wants that's growing within her.

Consider your audience, people, before making such ridiculously callous and unwarranted statements.

 

[GalleyGirl]

Well I guess we're not free to express our opinions here, so I'll just leave this one be.

 

[Shimmer]

No one said opinions can't be expressed.

I simply stated that when expressing said opinions, it's polite to consider those who have endured that which the poster is opining about.

Regardless of what an opinion is, it's perfectly possible to express it while respecting the feelings of others.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer No one said opinions can't be expressed. I simply stated that when expressing said opinions, it's polite to consider those who have endured that which the poster is opining about. Regardless of what an opinion is, it's perfectly possible to express it while respecting the feelings of others.

AKA... While the loss of a child is tragic... I do believe in this day and age, especially in the united states, having 5 kids (maybe more later who knows) is excessive.

 

[Shimmer]

If one has the means for it, it's a personal decision. If one is having children whilst living off the gov't, well, that's entirely different, IMO.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer If one has the means for it, it's a personal decision. If one is having children whilst living off the gov't, well, that's entirely different, IMO.

I completely agree. Although, I do get weirded out by the people who have, for example, 12+ children because I always feel bad for the kids that are made into de-facto parents for the younger children. Like those "Quiverful" people. At least they are self sufficient, though.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer If one has the means for it, it's a personal decision. If one is having children whilst living off the gov't, well, that's entirely different, IMO.

I'm sure this family is financially stable... I just see the baby making as more of a substitute for his absense due to career choice, than anything at all.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer If one has the means for it, it's a personal decision. If one is having children whilst living off the gov't, well, that's entirely different, IMO.

I also believe that parents who have large amounts of children, dont have enough time to properly care for their kids.

Yes they may have the $ to feed them and put clothes on their bodies. But there are other things like Emotional and Personal time that can't be made up with a large enough paycheck.

I can see 5 kids recieveing the same sort of attention and personal time, as an only child for instance.

 

[Shimmer]

You'd be surprised how prepared parents who choose to have a lot of kids really are for the job.

Mormons, for example, have some of the strongest family units (though I've made no secret of my disdain for the religion, I will say that the time devoted to the kids and the raising of them is astonishingly positive). So do Pentacostals. Usually, on both counts. Generally speaking, though there are exceptions to the statement obviously.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer You'd be surprised how prepared parents who choose to have a lot of kids really are for the job. Mormons, for example, have some of the strongest family units (though I've made no secret of my disdain for the religion, I will say that the time devoted to the kids and the raising of them is astonishingly positive). So do Pentacostals. Usually, on both counts. Generally speaking, though there are exceptions to the statement obviously.

True, i'm sure there are parents in large families who spend more time with their children, than only children.

But I do think, given two equally devoted parents, a parent with less children to care for, will have more time to devote to their child(s) individual needs.

Even super mommy's have their limits

 

[GalleyGirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladybug10678 I completely agree. Although, I do get weirded out by the people who have, for example, 12+ children because I always feel bad for the kids that are made into de-facto parents for the younger children. Like those "Quiverful" people. At least they are self sufficient, though.

Are those the Duggers? I think they're on #16 now.