my boyfriend keeps on messing me around :-(

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Girl you need to pimp slap him upside the head and walk out of that door.

Think of it like a bad tooth. It's a constant nagging pain that will only get worse if you ignore it right? But you're too afraid of the pain when the tooth gets pulled but there has to be a point where you realize that you can't put it off any longer. But after the pain from having your tooth pulled subsides, you will feel a whole lot better and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

If he can't respect you and feels the need to keep secrets from you, then you need to re-evaluate your situation big time. You've given him more than enough chances already. Get out and make friends and meet new people who will treat with every bit of love, respect and care that you deserve.

 

[wolfsong]

Sounds like he has some serious intimacy issues that probably stem from childhood. He obviously has a problem with real, physical relationships and has to turn to these online relations as they are easy: he can be anyone, they don’t demand anything, and it can be as perfect as he can imagine it in his head.
He needs to realise that he has a problem and seek professional help for this.

Personally I would sit him down and talk openly about everything that you have seen, and what you think about the problems in the relationship. If he can’t talk about it, makes excuses or won’t agree to get help then he probably won’t end this cycle whilst you are together. The lies and secrets suggest he isn’t ready to deal with any of his problems. All forms of intimacy can be thought of as cheating by a partner - its just personal opinion. However cybersex is generally considered being unfaithful by many.

 

[SparklingWaves]

This guy is doing this, because he is getting off on it.

I would NOT keep acting like a mother figure by busting him over and over again. That would get old fast and it's going to get old with him too. He isn't giving it up.

From your actions, you don't trust him & with good reason. You aren't going to put "trust" back in your relationship. When trust is gone, it is really gone.

 

[chocodcocoa]

I think you should have a serious talk with him... don't just confront him, but really try to get deeper into the issue... don't let it go just because he gives you excuses. You deserve someone better, and let him know that. If he really loves you enough and is willing to be honest with you, he will want to change so he can keep you. Perhaps he has some emotional or attachment issues... so that he has to get off on cyber sex instead of doing it with you. DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR BRINGING UP ISSUES. He's the one who's sneaking around behind your back. You have every single right to be concerned!

 

[_trimm_trabb]

Okay, take a minute and remove yourself from your situation. Just pretend you are some other person reading what you just wrote. Doesn't it sound ridiculous? Especially how every time he says he'll "never do it again"?

There's a good chance you don't realize that this is so undeserved and so ABnormal, simply because he's what you know and what you're used to. But trust me, it is NOT normal and it is NOT okay. You deserve much better. You said that your relationship is perfect otherwise, but according to you...

-he's "cyber cheated" on you multiple times
-your sex life isn't healthy (unless you are happy with it, and you sound like you aren't)
-you aren't romantically connected (the lack or kissing and cuddling and etc)
-he's even had conversations with an ex

This doesn't leave much to be "perfect" about your relationship. You need to give him an ultimatum - he needs to get help (professional - as in therapy, counciling, etc) or get lost. I understand how hard it must be feeling like you have nowhere to turn...but it is better to get out on your own and be happy and healthy than be with somebody who treats you poorly.

 

[trollydolly]

thanks for all of ur support and advice girls. im still considering what to do. i just feel a bit trapped at the moment. if i wasnt with him i wouldnt have anywhere else to go and id be alone. i know thats not a good reason to be with someone though. i really do love him but i dont think hes going to change.

 

[lsperry]

Something better in your life is going to take his place….Believe this always. You may not believe this or know this right now, but trust me, leaving him is the only answer. You don’t deserve this treatment or heartache.

Get to know YOURSELF first and then you’ll know what you want in the future and will not settle for less. ‘Cause right now, the only thing you’re doing is “settling” for companionship. This is not love.

You deserve so much better and when you find TRUE love, you’ll know what a heartache you once had with him. Bolster up your self-esteem to be strong and stop trying to change him. If a man can’t come to you correct, he doesn’t deserve you. 25 is too old for him to still act this immature and selfish. Stop trying to raise a boy and get on with your life.

 

[Babylard]

if its worth anything, i've been sticking to my exboyfriend because i " dont really have anyone in my life i can turn to." we dated for more than 4 years, broke up, but we still ended up moving in with each other. i couldn't let him go, no matter what. we share a house and study away from home.

girl, all i can say to you is run as far as you can. Run and don't looks back. You will end up miserable like me!!! It's not a "home" that I live it; it's just a house... I am trying very hard to move on. It's a difficult thing if you have been together for a long time, but it's for the best.

he obviously has some abnormal issues. if you two have genuine feelings for each other and you really love him, you can always get him professional help; however, it will cost you your time and money. the question now is whether he is worth it or not.

good luck to you, but i personally would leave him. in my books, cyber sex with multiple girls is the same as cheating. you deserve so much better. i think he is not worthy of your time. the fact that he's flirting with his ex is terrible.

 

[IcePrincess2250]

um leave him. asap girl im serious. you can do so much better than someone who is going to treat you like girl #53, and deep down you know that.

 

[trollydolly]

just found out hes joined another webcams website where u watch girls and pay for it. he was on the website this afternoon when i was at work. then he has the nerve to be nice to me when i get home? yet just yesterday he was talking about us getting a house together next year (we have a flat at the moment)....i dont get it

 

[gigglegirl]

I'm sad to hear that you are still in the same situation after so many people's opinions and you probably knowing deep down inside this is not right.

In a way, by verbally saying you don't like what he's doing yet by sticking with him and him having essentially no repercussions and he gets to keep doing what he's doing b/c you're still there.

It may be lonely at first but you honestly need to get out and be on your own. Have fun and figure out some things, date new people, whatever. This is not good. If you stay you're just a glutton for punishment and you know you'll continue to suffer but that will be your decision you'll have to live with.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trollydolly just found out hes joined another webcams website where u watch girls and pay for it. he was on the website this afternoon when i was at work. then he has the nerve to be nice to me when i get home? yet just yesterday he was talking about us getting a house together next year (we have a flat at the moment)....i dont get it

Do you really not get it? Try giving this thread another read through. And why would he not have the nerve... You keep letting him do it. At this point you have not excuse for not getting it. I don't want to be harsh, but we'd all feel better about this situation if you'd stand up for yourself and stop letting him walk all over you.

 

[*KT*]

Of course he's going to be nice and talk about things like getting a house. If he didn't, you'd stop letting him get away with all the bull. It's how people with unhealthy addictions keep people in their lives. Men who beat their partners act the same way hours after beating the shit out of their partner.

Is it really better to be with a man who you wonder how many women he's cybering the moment you leave him alone than it is to strike out on your own? You will never trust this man. Can you really buy a house or get married to him?

You know what you need to do, start taking action and seek out a place of your own. Tell your closest friends what's going on... basically make it so you have to do it! When you've got the place secured and have the key in your hand, tell him you're done and move out that same day. This is how I left my ex. I knew I'd chicken out if I didn't have a signed contract and friends already 'reserved' to help me move out. Honestly, it was the hardest but best thing I ever did!

 

[vickih]

if there is one thing that all women want to do is too change their men, or think that their man will change. oh sweetie, they never do.
i think you know deep down that all of this is just not normal. It's never easy to end things with someone that you care deeply about but you are the one that is the important part in this equation. Don't stay in a relationship where you already see warning signs because unfortunately it doesn't get better.
My parents were married for 36 years (not happily) and at age 55 my mom said she had had enough. Life was too long too live with someone that didn't make her happy and she left him. At that age TRUST me it wasn't easy, but she did it. YOu have the strength and courage to do it.


Quote:

Originally Posted by trollydolly thanks for all the lovely comments so far girls. for some reason i just cant bring myself to leave him and i dont know why. im just kind of hoping hes going to change or that i can change him. I was in foster care for 13 years and when i was 18 i moved in with my boyfriend. i suppose ive gotten used to the stability and security.

 

[Jennifer Mcfly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trollydolly and then when i try to talk to him about our lack of a sex life he gets all annoyed and says something sarcastic and makes me feel bad for bringing it up and i always end up saying sorry!

oh honey....this statement alone is not good at all!!! that is a terrible trait to have in a relationship. if he turns things around on you and makes you feel guilty for your feelings...
it's time for some tough love sweetie. you need to get outta there NOW!! there is nothing wrong with being independent. even if you have nobody...you can make it on your own. it might be tough for a while b/c all change is hard...but trust me...you will be ok.
it's better to be alone, then be with someone like him.
he's obviously not going to change. you've seen that.

my favorite quote of all time is:

"If you want to trust someone's word, Watch their action"

He's obviously not true when he tells you his porn problem is over.

Baby, you gotta take care of yourself. He obviously doesn't care what he's doing to you...it's time you start caring about yourself.

Be strong Honey! You can do it!!!!!

 

[Trunkmonkey]

Speaking as a male. If he valued the relationship to the point that you obviously do he would avoid places where he could be tempted. There ARE good men out there that know how to treat a woman (not that they don't have other flaws). My recommendation is get away from him completely and find yourself someone that values the relationship.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trollydolly thanks for all of ur support and advice girls. im still considering what to do. i just feel a bit trapped at the moment. if i wasnt with him i wouldnt have anywhere else to go and id be alone. i know thats not a good reason to be with someone though. i really do love him but i dont think hes going to change.

Trust me, he won't. And, I'm going to say this and you'll probably get mad at me but I'll say it anyway.

In five years, when you look back on this situation (provided you've extricated yourself from it and moved on), you'll realize how much you really DIDN'T love him.

There's no shame in being alone. None at all.

 

[deedrr]

I agree with everyone that you should leave him but that is a choice you will have to make for yourself or it wont stick. If you do decide to stay with him make sure you both get tested regularly.

 

[ilovecheese]

Hello!!?! Sorry to say it but you need a reality check. Just read what you've written about him - every other sentence shows he's an ass*ole! At least that's the way I felt when I read your post.
He's least considerate about you! You seem like a really nice person and in no way, I repeat NO WAY do you deserve him - he's constantly violating your trust and hurts you again and again. Just dump him - don't confront himor anything - just drop his sick ass and go your own way. Porn addictiom is HIS problem - but you don't have to be with him holding his hand while he literally craps on your self-esteem.
He's toxic to you and your self-esteem and needs to be out of your life. So please - do what your heart says and stop trusting this loser - cos he can't change himself and there's nothing you can do (even if you condone this kind of behaviour!).
Hope you feel better and decide what's right for you - Good Luck

 

[Ms. Z]

Why bother discussing it, that’s a waste of time, you can’t change him. He’s obviously does not want to be in a committed relationship; and if he is addicted to this behavior you don’t want to be involved in that mess. DUMP HIM!