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Originally Posted by ThePerfectScore
OKay LuvSic, and whoever else cares. I grew up in a small suburban town near Stone Mountain in Georgia. So for all y'all who don't know Stone Mountain is a recreational park that has an emphasis on nature. The most notable aspect of this park is well the granite moutain. And the most notable aspect of this mountain are the carvings of 3 Confederate soldiers from the American Civil War: Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, and Stone Wall Jackson. The land Stone Moutain lays upon is owned by the Klu Klux Klan, and is just "rented" out to the state of Georgia for public use. In fact up until recently one of the stipulation of the lease was to allow for yearly Klan rallies at the moutain.
Anyway my town was filled of Affluent middle and upper class caucasian Americans. It was an exclusive area in which North of Stone Mountain were whites and South of Stone Mountain were blacks. The unofficial color divider was HWY 78. My brother who is now 24, was the first black child to go to the local elementary school which was built in 1966. When we moved into the neighbor there was serious White Flight in which many families moved out. We were just one family...College educated Upper middled class family of four we were like the Huxtables no threat to anyone. We lived in neighborhood of retired folks many of which had grown up in these parts and were former Klans members.
So my childhood was not a tramatic experience of racism. In fact it was quite the opposite. I was called Nigger once in my life, but that didnt affect me. My family made a great impression on the neighborhood. Both me and my brother were gifted students in school. My mother was the president of the PTA. We were upstanding citizens. We lived in the neighborhood for 18 and half years.. I am now 20. This was my home. Even our former klan neighbors are now considered really great family friends. My mother and some of my neighbors a couple of years ago had an honest and open talk about how our family changed their misconceptions of blacks and they appologized for snubbing us for the first couple of years we lived there.
Anyway.. So my experience in a all white neighborhood to some extented has tainted my relationship with other blacks. I never feel threated by the beauty of white girls because I was always the exotic one. No one else looked like me and many of my friends equate black culture as pop culture so I was instantly the authority on all things cool. I was a very popular child and confident child.
The times when my insecurities about my beauty as an African American came about when more blacks moved into our community within the last 5 years.. (literally as a result of our undefeated Football and other sports teams. The coaches were actually "unethically" recruiting black atheltics to our school. Pretty much exploitation) The legacy of our sports program can be seen by Jeff Francoeur the former HS football and baseball star turned Atlanta Braves player. Another pull for blacks and other minorites into our area were our top rated public schools which far exceded the education received at black metro atlanta schools.
Anyway my insecruites as a black woman came when I was confronted with other beautiful black women. Before my being exotic automatically put me in a league of my own and I didn't compete with the other [white] girls, but when I was confronted with other black girls I was finially being compared. This time the mixed girls (most notably the 1/2 black 1/2 japanese girl) and the other fairer skinned black girls were getting more attention for how pretty their hair was and how slender their nose was. They were the ones being voted on the homecoming court instead of me. Even now that I'm in college I find it hard to befriend other black girls for fear they will be the prettier "token" black girl. And just interacting with my race as a whole since I grew up in a white area, I "talk like a white girl". I may not be as in touch with things steortypically applied as "black culture". I even find myself being more attracted to white men than I do black men, not b/c I find white men so much better, it's just what I am used to seeing on a daily basis. When I was in school the boys all the girls had crushes on were white and so I didn't really have an altarnative when I was formulating my standards of attraction. All my exes have been white men and now that I have ventured out of my all white community and am in college most of the guys I'm being hit on by are black. And one of my suitors who is a dark skinned black man thinks I won't date him b/c he's black. And there might be some underlying truth to that because I won't date him b/c I am not attracted to him. He doesn't give me the butterfly in my tummy feeling like my Italian ex did. I just tend to be attracted to more caucasian features in men, but that is certainly not to say I won't date a fine black brother.. Lord knows I have seen quite a bit of them in Atlanta! Also as crazy as it seems culturally I feel like I relate better to white people given that I grew up around them and had basically the same childhood experiences and privilages.
Anyway.. I have just been yacking away.. Gave you a whole history of Stone mountain. haha
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Wow, thanks for sharing your story....it was really interesting to hear about this..and
As for me, I think I am kind of like you - I was never called racist names in my life, really, I lived in Michigan until I was 10 and race there never seemed to be relevant to anything..when I came down to the South, I never really encountered that much racism either, except maybe in the sorority thing, but that wasn't even outright/direct racism. I am mostly attracted to white men too, like you, because I have grown up around mostly white people all of my life...I mean, not to say I'll never like an Asian man, but most of the guys I've gone on dates before have been white. My sister always told me that cute white guys will only like white girls, and not an Asian girl. That really hurt me deep down, and made me not only angry, but I developed a lot of self hatred for myself after she said that.
I guess you can say I feel a little torn between my culture and American culture...my parents are quite westernized now but still hold onto Chinese traditions and values a lot. So, although I had mostly white friends, I still didn't feel 100% white-washed, because my parents very much held onto our Chinese culture. I was confused for a lot of my life and resented being Asian because it made me different, and in my eyes, a bad way. On the contrary, I was pretty unpopular at my school, there were other Asians, but we were mostly known for just being "smart kids" and nothing more, really. And I was always shy and pretty insecure. The transition to college was not smooth at all, and I found myself completely lost, especially with all of this new exposure to so many Asian kids.
But it is interesting/cool how you never felt like you had to conform to white beauty standards...cause I definitely did growing up, and it killed me. Anyway thanks again for sharing your story...
