Would you be upset?

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark I think you either are insecure for some reason or you have good reason not to trust this guy. I know you love him and all, but I'd be pretty pissed if someone gave me that "piece of my heart" stuff. I think that's totally valid to be upset about. Maybe he means that he'll feel somewhat sentimental about her, but I feel like he could have worded it better.

Well, I dunno. At least he's being honest, right? The fact is, if he said anything else, he'd be lying to himself and to his fiancee.

I have two ex-boyfriends that will always have a part of me. If I hadn't loved them, then they wouldn't have been able to claim those parts of me. The only way it feels okay and not a dirty little secret is by talking to my husband about it. Recently I added one of these ex-boyfriends to my friends list on Facebook. I felt some conflicting emotion about it because I hadn't been in contact with him in a while. By talking to my husband about how it made me feel, and the reasons why I wanted to get back in contact with my ex, it became a non-issue. This may be why Nick is being honest. He may be trying to make it a non-issue for his current relationship, which clearly means a lot to him, or why would he bother?

Love is complicated. You don't get to choose how it makes you feel when a relationship doesn't work out. It doesn't mean that you can't be faithful and loving to the person you're with now. I just think it's too much to ask that you never ever feel residual emotion for someone you once cared about very deeply. Hearts are, in my experience, so much more complicated than that. Your body remembers things you told it to forget.

 

[NicksWifey]

I see what you guys are saying, in that once you love someone, it may be a little hard to forget to them, but I just don't understand how anyone could still have a piece of their heart and vice versa with someone that cheated on them with a few other people. If someone ever cheated on me, I'd end it ASAP, regardless of how long we had been together. Then, I would think of that person as a P.O.S forever and wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire. Sorry, but that's just how I feel.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice though

 

[Brittni]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I see what you guys are saying, in that once you love someone, it may be a little hard to forget to them, but I just don't understand how anyone could still have a piece of their heart and vice versa with someone that cheated on them with a few other people. If someone ever cheated on me, I'd end it ASAP, regardless of how long we had been together. Then, I would think of that person as a P.O.S forever and wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. I really do appreciate everyone's advice though

You are not alone. If someone cheated on me, it would be OVER. I think that's the most dispicable thing somebody can do. I don't see ANY excuse for it. If someone is unhappy, they should leave. Etc, etc, etc.

I can understand always feeling somewhat attached to the first person you fell in love with. I still have some indescribable attachment to my first true love, but I know I don't love or have feelings for him. I just know that he was the first person I experienced that euphoria with and since I haven't found it again that's why.

I do think Nick needs to be a lot more understanding of YOUR feelings, instead of just his. But guys will be guys. :/

 

[User93]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey Then, I would think of that person as a P.O.S forever and wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire.

Im sorry to be odd but damn that made me laugh so much.. i never ever head this expression from anyone.. You rock, girl!

 

[tara_hearts]

Ugh. That situation would kill me. I would probably throw a tantrum and attempt to make him get another job. I don't trust men and I don't trust old girlfriends. Especially "firsts." I'd be terrified they would start chatting about old times and get carried away. But I am also insecure and have been cheated on before so my trust level is zero.
My best advice.. just watch for signs.. him putting his phone on silent or vibrate. Or ignoring calls when your around or going in another room to talk. Hanging out with friends at hours he normally doesn't hang out with them. Just acting funny all together. Hope this situation works out, just tell him how you feel. :Hugs:

 

[kaliraksha]

I think you need to step back and look at the situation objectively. Right now there are a lot of things going on and a few things that I would be upset about but need to be looked at as separate issues. Things that I think are separate issues- First off, yes, I can't think of a woman who gets a job with her ex who isn't trying to stir trouble or get back together with him unless they work in a rare industry. Second, I think your fiance has a few issues with communicating with you as in he should have worded his phrase better or explained it and he should have assured you from the beginning that you were his number one.

But, the one thing you do have control over are your insecurities and your trust. Life and your relationship will just be so much better if you start working out those issues. Ugh, those are some ugly ones too... trust me, I've had the I-hate-his-ex-does-he-miss-her insecurities in my head and I thought she was a bit of a psycho-bitch. I think if you talk to your fiance and let him into your head about how you feel and what you need to work on, you guys can strengthen your relationship. In the future as life gets busier and more complex there is no way you will be able to keep tabs on him 24/7 and be reassured always... sometimes you're just going to have to trust him to love you more than a passing moment of possibility. I know that was my old plan- to keep tabs on him at all times, but a) I can't and shouldn't, it's exhausting, b) it puts me to shame around our mutual friends I in turn feel like the psycho, c) there is no reason he can't lie about what's going on or where or who he is with and then all my effort and craziness just goes to waste. Together you guys need to work on the trust issues, because all the other things are quick fixes or remedying the symptom but not the cause. There is always going to be some new attractive curly haired girl willing to break the bond you two have. It comes down to how strong is your bond?

 

[jn_woods]

I'm not on specktra much, but I often see posts about you having problems with your fiance. Maybe it isn't about his ex getting a job there at all. She could be a really nice girl and you might even like her as a person if she hadn't been his first love. None of that matters because he's with you now. If you trust him, you wouldn't worry about her being around. And I think it's really good that he told her about you. He isn't doing anything wrong. And I wouldn't think she should have to find a job somewhere else.


I think you need to work on your insecurities and you both need to work on communication. And honestly I'd think about if I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him with as much drama as you guys seem to have. Are you looking for reasons to fight or push him away?

 

[NicksWifey]

It's weird...whenever we communicate, I always get blasted and am made to feel like things are my fault. Nick very rarely takes the blame for an argument, he will apologize when I do but I have yet to actually hear him say "I'm sorry, this was my fault." I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very emotional and I tell things like it is, I don't believe in sugarcoating shit. Sometimes that hurts people's feelings but I'd rather someone be honest with me than beat around the bush.
I asked Nick to respect my decisions and not talk to the ex-bitch but he obviously couldn't, so yes, that pissed me off.
I realize times are hard as far as jobs are concerned, but there have been plenty of places in town that have "for hire" signs in the window that this bitch could've looked in. It's just that she chose to call his job and speak to him about getting a job. He did tell her no, they weren't hiring but someone had to quit to go back to school and the boss said he needed an extra set of hands. Shame that it be hers.

Honestly, I'm letting it go. I've said what I needed to say to him quite a few times, he knows how I feel. I realize I have insecurities to work on. However, if she tries anything, you better believe I will beat that ass

 

[jn_woods]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I asked Nick to respect my decisions and not talk to the ex-bitch but he obviously couldn't, so yes, that pissed me off. I realize times are hard as far as jobs are concerned, but there have been plenty of places in town that have "for hire" signs in the window that this bitch could've looked in. It's just that she chose to call his job and speak to him about getting a job. He did tell her no, they weren't hiring but someone had to quit to go back to school and the boss said he needed an extra set of hands. Shame that it be hers.

I wouldn't tolerate it if DH told me I couldn't talk to someone, even if it was an ex.

I'm sure it was a lot easier to be rehired than to apply for new employment (faster, possibly higher $, she already knew some people).

Just because he works with an ex doesn't mean he's going to sleep with her. It isn't his fault at all and I'm sure that's why he gets defensive or pissed when you talk or fight about it. You gotta work on the insecurities or your relationship will never work.

 

[feenin4makeup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey It's weird...whenever we communicate, I always get blasted and am made to feel like things are my fault. Nick very rarely takes the blame for an argument, he will apologize when I do but I have yet to actually hear him say "I'm sorry, this was my fault." I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very emotional and I tell things like it is, I don't believe in sugarcoating shit. Sometimes that hurts people's feelings but I'd rather someone be honest with me than beat around the bush. I asked Nick to respect my decisions and not talk to the ex-bitch but he obviously couldn't, so yes, that pissed me off. I realize times are hard as far as jobs are concerned, but there have been plenty of places in town that have "for hire" signs in the window that this bitch could've looked in. It's just that she chose to call his job and speak to him about getting a job. He did tell her no, they weren't hiring but someone had to quit to go back to school and the boss said he needed an extra set of hands. Shame that it be hers. Honestly, I'm letting it go. I've said what I needed to say to him quite a few times, he knows how I feel. I realize I have insecurities to work on. However, if she tries anything, you better believe I will beat that ass

Wow, you sound exactly like me! I totally understand where all the insecurities come from because I just can't help it myself. However, I felt the same way about my ex and his ex still talking because of the whole "still in my heart" bullshit and my insecurities unfortunately panned out to be true. Long story short, someone who was my fiancee is now my ex. I'm not saying your man is doing anything but because of my experience, I still say watch your back. I know that probably isn't helping matters for you but I wish I would've seen the signs sooner myself. There isn't a lot you can do about her working with him but I think you did the right thing by talking to him even if it didn't change much. Keep your eyes open always but I understand that being paranoid isn't very productive. I never understood the part of the skanky woman either because I always thought I would never do that to another woman just out of respect for myself. But there are women who just don't give a shit and they know that some- if not most- men are weak. I think you are on the right track about trying to let it go and just not saying anything else to him about it. In my experience, men very rarely take the blame (it might be the men I pick!) and I've had more than one relationship where I was the one who ended up apologizing when half the time if I thought about it, the shit wasn't even my fault! You said your peace and now just keep your eye out for anything weird or out of the ordinary. Some how, some way, I guess you just have to trust he will do the right thing. Guess that's part of love and a test of your relationship. Good luck with all this! This relationship shit can be so tough!

 

[Beauty Mark]

That doesn't sound healthy if he never takes any blame for your relationship problems... I'm sure you're not always in the wrong.

 

[EllieFerris]

I know it's hard, but do try to take the emotion out of the conversations.

I, am a fan of psychological pharmaceuticals and it has helped my relationship with my husband immensley!

He is a chef... works every night... with cute college-aged waitresses... they're thin... they're blonde... they have perky boobs... and little asses!

(And he's a total hottie - never marry a man more handsome than you are pretty!)

But, a little Lexapro each night before I go to bed and I couldn't possibly care any less if he's banging each and every one!

(ok, that's not entirely true) But now, I stop and think before I speak and honesly? The thoughts dont' even enter my head anymore.

Before Lexapro, I was a crazy psycho bitch from hell on wheels!

I constantly accused him of fooling around and one day he told me that I've accused him of cheating so many times, he might as well go ahead and do it!

Umm hello! HUGE wake-up call!

I called the doc, got the meds and we've never been happier.

 

[feenin4makeup]

^^^^ I second the Lexapro (although I'm not saying you need it by any means!). I can lose a little bit of my sense without it. And I thought it was just me.... LOL

 

[NicksWifey]

LOL funny that Lexapro was mentioned on this thread, cause I was on it & took myself off of it, HATED it.

 

[kaexbabey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I see what you guys are saying, in that once you love someone, it may be a little hard to forget to them, but I just don't understand how anyone could still have a piece of their heart and vice versa with someone that cheated on them with a few other people. If someone ever cheated on me, I'd end it ASAP, regardless of how long we had been together. Then, I would think of that person as a P.O.S forever and wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. I really do appreciate everyone's advice though

i understand what you mean about how someone could have a piece of your heart even though they cheated on you. it's weird how even though she hurt him over and over there's still that little spot for her.

i am a pretty jealous wife too. but bitches from the past haven't been an issue lately so i've been pretty happy.

have you told him how you feel about it? idk i guess there's not much you can do, it's not like you can have her quit or whatever. just try to keep your head up and do your best to be the same great wife you are to your husband so that IF (i'm not saying he will, but just in case for some stupid reason he does) he fucks up, at least you know you did your best to remain the same and good to him. also, there's the whole thing about how nagging men makes them do what you're nagging about even if it's not really happening. so try not to nag if you do.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicksWifey I see what you guys are saying, in that once you love someone, it may be a little hard to forget to them, but I just don't understand how anyone could still have a piece of their heart and vice versa with someone that cheated on them with a few other people. If someone ever cheated on me, I'd end it ASAP, regardless of how long we had been together. Then, I would think of that person as a P.O.S forever and wouldn't pee on them if they were on fire. Sorry, but that's just how I feel. I really do appreciate everyone's advice though

I think everyone's different, and it really depends on the person. I've got plenty of exes who I'd be happy to spit in their faces, if I ever saw them again. Those shitbags don't own any part of my heart, except the bits that cling to regrets.

But they say the first cut is the deepest, right? You said this girl is Nick's first real girlfriend. That alone may be the reason she will always mean something to him, good and bad. For me, one of those two exes I wrote about above was my first love. The other one was the second. If you really love someone, really fall in love with them, even if they treat you like shit and it all falls apart, it's not uncommon to have some part of you still incapable of separating the emotion from the fact that the person may be a shithead.

Hearts aren't brains - they just feel and that's that. It doesn't mean it's Nick's gateway to bad behaviour, such as cheating on you. If he's wise enough to own up to the fact (thereby neutralising it!) that he will always feel something for this girl, he should be wise enough to separate his actions from it. Maybe he can't help but feel something, but it isn't going to rule his heart or his actions. He loves you. From what you've told us, I think he's done the right thing by being honest with you.

 

[chaut_01]

that girl reminds me of my boyfriends ex. obviously hallucinating if she thinks she can crawl her way back. if you already told your boyfriend how you felt he should keep that in mind when he works with her. he shouldnt blame this on you, your right for saying how you feel. most people dont and it just gets out of hand after that. you know they say "well you didnt tell me!" or 'how am i supposed to know?"

 

[smh28]

I feel for you! Definately! Even though I trust my husband there was a woman he worked with that tried to get a little to close to him and I hated every moment of it. Even though my husband was doing everything I asked of him in the situation it drove me nuts because I didn't trust her. I was so very, very happy when she was laid off from the job and found a new one elsewhere. Wish I could offer you some good advice about the situation. Hang in there.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Yes I would be very upset. I think that trust is everything in a relationship...but he needs to take your feelings into account. Okaaaay obviously if they were together for 4 years, they will always have that little *whatever u wanna call it* for eachother, but he didnt have to SAY that to you. Something he should have said was "Baby I only love you, she is in my past and thats where she'll stay, you have no reason to be worried"....

Butttttt guys are not that bright lol. I'd sit him down and explain how u feel about the situation. I can completely see why youd be upset...I mean yeah u guys should trust eachother but its kind of a suspicious coincidence, IMO..Even if it was just a girl that he'd be f*cking....its like, still....I dunno. Id be just as upset as you are

 

[lafemmenoir]

Brittney,
I wish I lived there cos you and I are >>>>>here<<<<< on so many levels. Insecure? sure, who isn't? Should you hate her? I don't think you hate her, you hate this situation and you don't have to like anyone who hurt your fiance'. I think you feel something normal for all the things you've posted going on in your life, the medications, family stuff, sex life...exhales.. Plus, like me you are a libra and we hate chaos. It's natural to feel insecure about a ghost from the past, we all have one if we've been in a long term relationship. It's hard to shut the visuals of all the "firsts" they shared and try to compare and contrast if he's as happy with you as he was with her. It's natural not to trust her as she is a bit salty. I think Jen/Angelina/Brad gave us confirmation to be cynical of women who claim not to have ulterior motives. No this isn't Hollywood, but it's hard to feel secure around women who we feel may be a threat. Not because you aren't pretty, thin, smart, etc. enough, but she seems a bit scandalous and some women do like the thrill of a man who is with someone else especially if they have a past.

In short, calm down, and don't focus on her. If you have to vent, cry, pout, etc. do so SANS Nick. It will only cause problems and worsen the situation. Work harder on upping your game by acting like she doesn't matter. Communicate more with your fiance' but don't mention her as it causes angst, realise it's valid to feel insecure, but right now it is unwarranted. The more you focus on them, the worse you will respond to your own relationship. Focus on you, and do you. Sorry for the novel, but I really know how that feels to have a pit in your stomach when you feel out of control. Don't work yourself up over nothing. Relationships survive these things many times during a marriage by communication, trust and honesty. Now, no more worries and energy with her, enjoy you and keep focused on what you can control and that my dear is YOU