Your Thoughts on Marrying Young...

[kaliraksha]

I know a lot of people on this forum have married young, older, child hood sweethearts, multiple times or not at all- what a great mix of people to get opinions from.

What do you guys think about relationships and people who get married in their late teens or early 20s? When do you think is an acceptable age to get married? Do you wish you had waited or done it earlier?



For the record, my bias is I am young and engaged to my high school sweetheart so those are the stories/advice I'm really looking forward to - good and bad.

 

[Shimmer]

Depends on what you want out of life.
I've got a friend who got married at 19 and has never been further out of state than a vacation she took to Florida several years ago.
She's got her family here in Texas, she lives in a small town, she's got a decent job, her husband has a decent job, their kids are doted on by their collective families, and they're happy. She has NO DESIRE to live anywhere else, or to be anything other than that small town Texas wife.

Me, on the other hand, it didn't work out for. I thought I knew who I was when I did it, but I didn't. Between the growing up I needed to do, and the growing up I HAD to do...it simply wasn't meant to be.

There's no easy answer to this question, really.

 

[shopgood]

i'm really interested to hear everyone's opinions as well!

i'm 18 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years+ now. i don't know how close we are to engagement, but i know that if he asked me to marry him right this second, i would, without a doubt, say yes. tho i'd get engaged now, i wouldn't want to get married until i was at least 24 or 25, or out of school and financially stable.

it's just my opinion and i'm not deliberately trying to offend anyone, but i think that a lot of young couples rush into marriage way too early. i think it's great that people find love, but sometimes it seems they don't use their heads as much as they should. again, not trying to offend anyone.. because i'm young and i wish i could marry my boyfriend right now lol but i know it's not the most sensible thing to do because i'm still living at home, going to school, have no job, and am already aware that it would be rough on us in a lot of different ways. if i got pregnant tho, then i would probably want to get married now.. but even still, we'd probably have to live with his parents or something.

 

[sarahbeth564]

Well, I'm turning 20 this year and got married last year at 19. We had been dating a week short of a year when we got married. We're both in school, no jobs (although we have great savings) and are just fine.

I think that if you know, there's no sense in waiting. We're both happier than we've ever been. Sure, we fight and stuff, but it's mostly stupid stuff.

Life has never been better.

 

[Hawkeye]

Honestly,
I think that between the years of 16-25 is what is known as the "stupid decision making years".

I mean most of the less desireable decisions come during this time. But it's nothing bad- everyone goes through it, it's natural!

So in response to your question- I don't think people should get married fairly young because I think personally it's better to really know who you are and what you want and go from there. I think it's better not to marry until your 30 (and NO I'm not saying that just to be joking)- and the reason is I think it gives you a chance to really have a good foundation with yourself.

NOW on the other hand-I know people who have married young and they made it work. My mom got married at 19. It worked out- they've been together for 25 years!

It's really just one of those things that you have to gauge on yourself and ask if you are ready and if you are you have to ask yourself well what happens if this turns out not as I expected?

And another thing you may want to consider is - Marriage is very hard work. I mean we're talking incredibly hard work and it's never 50-50. Sometimes you gotta give 90 and let him give 10 etc. There is always going to be when your first married the "honeymoon" where everything is perfect etc but that lasts all of 4 months maybe a year and then it's just like any other relationship except you have a legal document saying your married

So I guess what I'm saying is look at all the options objectively and if your heart tells you he's the one you want to marry then definately marry him!

Yeah now I'm just rambling. :/ sorry!

 

[Beauty Mark]

It depends on maturity, but I think generally marrying at a young age isn't wise. There are exceptions, but I'm making a generalization.

Why? Many young people don't know what they want out of life and are in the process of growing up and changing. Most people are going to leave the security of their parents' home for the first time. You change so much, and what you want or don't want at a young age often isn't the same at an older age. I know that people always are changing and marriage should accommodate that somewhat, but I think there are so many drastic changes that occur when you're young. I think being young for most people should be about developing your own identity and not so much your couple identity, if that makes any sense.

When I think about who I was at 16-18 to now, I wouldn't have been able to do with my life what I have. I like that I don't have to worry about anybody but me; being ambitious in the career world is what I want to do. This sounds awful, but being married would hinder that. I have a friend who got married at 19. He's still married and is happy, but he had to make sacrifices, like work while his wife goes to med school. His wife being in med school has made him focus on staying in one city for a job and now his schooling. That's great he wants to do that, but that isn't for me. I hope that didn't sound flippant, because they are happy and I'm happy that they're happy, but it isn't for me.

It's honestly hard to say what's the best for most people, because I think marriage is such an individual thing. There are couples who are in their 50s dating that shouldn't be thinking of marriage.

 

[pumpkincat210]

I married at 21 and i'm going to be 26 this month. We are still together and things couldn't be better

It all depends on the people!

 

[d_flawless]

after seeing what happened with my parents (major career changes, wanting to move, desire to travel/make new friends), i know i could never marry too young. i don't want to seem like i'm judging anyone, but in a similar tone as shimmer, i almost feel like the only people who haven't really seen the world are the ones who want to find security at home sooner, i.e., marriage/having children young. that life is not for me, simply because i change my mind all the time and i know i don't want to be with only one person YET for the rest of my life. i believe in marriage, but i also believe in finding the right person. how can one know what they want in a lifelong partner if they haven't even had time yet to figure out who they are?
there are just so many things i want to do still before i get in a serious relationship, let alone marriage, that i don't understand why the hurry for some people.

 

[shopgood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbeabitch Honestly, I think that between the years of 16-25 is what is known as the "stupid decision making years". I mean most of the less desireable decisions come during this time. But it's nothing bad- everyone goes through it, it's natural! So in response to your question- I don't think people should get married fairly young because I think personally it's better to really know who you are and what you want and go from there. I think it's better not to marry until your 30 (and NO I'm not saying that just to be joking)- and the reason is I think it gives you a chance to really have a good foundation with yourself. NOW on the other hand-I know people who have married young and they made it work. My mom got married at 19. It worked out- they've been together for 25 years! It's really just one of those things that you have to gauge on yourself and ask if you are ready and if you are you have to ask yourself well what happens if this turns out not as I expected? And another thing you may want to consider is - Marriage is very hard work. I mean we're talking incredibly hard work and it's never 50-50. Sometimes you gotta give 90 and let him give 10 etc. There is always going to be when your first married the "honeymoon" where everything is perfect etc but that lasts all of 4 months maybe a year and then it's just like any other relationship except you have a legal document saying your married So I guess what I'm saying is look at all the options objectively and if your heart tells you he's the one you want to marry then definately marry him! Yeah now I'm just rambling. :/ sorry!

i agree with a lot of what you're saying. i don't think i'd wait til 30 tho, especially if i wanted to have children.. but you pretty much nailed it on my thoughts about how marriage is a lot of work and not always fair, and looking at things objectively and all that.

in addition, i think a couple should be together long enough to really get to know one another and be absolutely sure it's what you both want. it's human nature to put on a show for potential partners to lure them in.. and to keep up that "show" for a while into the relationship to keep it going.. but once it stops and you get to see the real person, that's when you determine if it's true love or not.. and if you could keep loving that person through heaven AND hell, for the rest of your life.

so yeah, basically while you're using your heart, don't forget to use your head too.

 

[Bernadette]

I remember reading that the divorce rate for people that get married young is much higher. I tried googling it just now but couldn't find it. I know it was drastic though.

I think marrying young is a really bad idea. I think that even as much as people will argue, in most cases people just have not had the chance to grow enough as an individual to be able to truly have a full relationship. People skip on over that whole "you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you." idea and it bites them in the ass. Sometimes it works but even in many of those cases people are stunted as individuals.
I'm sticking with the bad idea theory.

My boyfriend and I talk about getting married all of the time, he's 25 and I'm 23. My whole thing is that we both know we're going to be together but we have enough going on right now that it would be better if we focused on getting our current lives to where we want them to be before we put all of our focus on a wedding. Plus, they are so expensive and knowing my taste, I want to be in a place financially where it wouldn't be as much of a burden. It's still cute as heck when he talks about it though

.

 

[amoona]

I think it depends on the culture to be honest. In America people divorce very easily. Not to say that divorce is a horrible thing and that it's not needed ... trust me my parents are divorced and that was needed!! I just think that every culture looks at marriage differently.

My grandmother was married when she was 15 and her and my grandfather lived happily up until the day he passed away. One of my cousins got married when she was 21 and 4 kids later her and her husband are like the perfect ideal couple. Not to mention they didn't date ... they knew each other for a month before getting engaged and then it was 6 months after that they got married. I honestly don't know many people who marry "older" everyone I know is usually married by the age of 25 ... well at least for the women. The guys are usually married by 30-32. It's just a cultural thing.

I know if I'm not at least engaged by like 22 or 23 then ummm ... I'll just die lol yea that's an exaggeration.

I think it also depends on the reason why people get married. Like my mother and father for example ... my mother said yes to my father because she hated it in America. She was miserable because she was by herself so when my father asked her to marry him she said yes. She was engaged at 19, married at 20, and had me at 21. She was never in love with my father, she was just lonely in this country cuz everyone else in her family was married too.

Even though I want to get married when I'm "young" I wouldn't get married just to get married to someone. I know I want kids and I don't see myself having kids at 30 or something like that. To me that's a bit old to have your first child. And I really hope nobody takes offensive to this, it's just a cultural thing.

 

[aeni]

I was close to getting engaged when I was 17 with an ex who joined the USAF. He was assigned to Guam and I was going to college. When he came home from Texas, we looked at rings for 2 days until he finally decided to tell me he didn't think this would work out and he'd rather we be in an open relationship from there on out. I was hopeful we'd work through 4 years of him in service, me in college, come back together and get married. We really tried to figure out solutions, but I just didn't want to go to Guam and my dad didn't want me to either. 6 months later we fully broke up after he had sex with a couple of strippers.

Looking at all the shit that has happened to him since then and what could've happened to me along with it, I AM GLAD we didn't get engaged even after 2 years of commitment.

I went through my stupid phase and I don't think I'm out of it yet.

Bernadette - my bf and I are the same way too. We're 'Bridezillas' fans.

 

[IslandGirl77]

MTV acutally has a new show called Engaged and Underaged about people who marry young.

I got married to someone when I was 20. I felt I was ready at the time. The marriage did not last because of other circumstances. My best friend married her husband when she was 20 as well. Ten years later and three kids, they are still together and still happy. My parents, they were married at 19 and 18. They stayed together for about 10 years and then divorced. Sooo, I think it really depends on the people. I don't think anyone can tell you what your ready for. I do however, beleive that people today have a harder time staying together. I would assume it's much harder for younger people to endure marriage in these times.

 

[prinzessin784]

I think it really depends on the couple and so many different factors. If you think it's right, and you really really know it's the right thing for you then why not? Unless for religious or other reasons you are really against divorce then what have you got to lose? You may experience the most amazing life with someone you were lucky enough to find young.

I hear a lot of people tell me that I am stupid for being engaged to the guy who was my first boyfriend. We dated other people in between over the course of 3 years, and when we found each other again we believe it was for a reason. We're so compatible and we have a connection I can't imagine having with any other person. I know he's the right one and even though I'm only 22 (we'll be getting married when I'm 24 and he'll be 26) it's right!

So in sum, it really depends! I think you should definitely talk to as many people with different experiences as possible (which you're doing right here!) and you'll get lots of ideas and beliefs on the idea and you can decide for yourself what is right for you!

Good luck!!!

 

[Shimmer]

I wholly recommend the "Five Languages of Love" or another similar book for anyone considering marriage.

 

[kaliraksha]

See, I totally agree with the whole "you don't know who you really are/want until you are older".

With my fiance, I have been with him since I was 17... we were a world of different people in high school, drastically different - at least outwardly. However, I have never stopped knowing who he really is and his essence... I know who he is. With that, I know that whatever we face together in the future I know I will love and accept how his being affects his character. I know that we will both change and we've discussed it- also knowing that we will mostly likely face the same things together will make it easier.

He is well aware of all my needs to travel and live in different cities and go where my job takes me. We are both so open to growing with each other and are not scared of what it will make us. He is completely ok with my needing to experience life and wants to come along for the ride.

I think the one thing that could impair my wants is having children too early. I don't think that being in a marriage is a danger to what I really want as long as what I really want doesn't dwell into wanting other men. All it means to me is that at the end of my wild night with a nomad lifestyle I have someone to come home to to take care of me.

Honestly, I wish I had met him after all of this.... so that we wouldn't have to make these choices... one of us always there for wants of the other person. But because Chance gave him to me early in life doesn't mean I should toss him aside because of age.

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amoona I think it depends on the culture to be honest. In America people divorce very easily.

I can attest there with my boyfriend. His parents constantly want him to marry someone Indian because I will divorce him. Haha. However, on the down side... I've seen a lot of Indian couples stay together when they clearly shouldn't have for society reasons. So staying together for the sake of everyone else is hardly a reason to not divorce either.

I don't know anyone Indian in the area we live in who is divorced. I know a couple who the wife is cheating on the husband and he clearly knows and he has moved to his own apartment for "his job"- but it's only 25 minutes away from home. They only see each other for events or for their children.

 

[Juneplum]

i got married at 20, my husband was 21... we dated for 2 years before getting engaged.. this year will be our 13th wedding anniversary... yeah we got the same "you're both too young" comments and talks from well meaning friends and family but u know what... we're still together AND happily i might add.. as sappy as it may sound, i honestly do love him more each day.. that doesn't mean marriage is easy... yes u have the fairytale wedding, amazing honeymoon but once that is all over, the real work begins.. and yes it does take hard work, devotion, and time to make your marriage a great one..u put in the time, and trust me u will reap the benefits no matter how young or old you are

marriage is hard work but it is so worth it

 

[Shimmer]

I think it's the not realizing how much WORK it is that does a lot of "young" marriages in.
It's a LOT of work to be married.
There's no end to what needs to be done on the day to day, and sometimes it's easier to blame the other person for what's wrong instead of thank them for their part in what's right.
There are fights, there are little annoyances that build up, there are cups left out and bills that add up and chores that need to be done. There are sick kids and car payments and honey-do's. There are the needs of the couple and the wants of the individual. There's misplaced anger and there's projection. There's insecurity, there's honesty, there's intimacy.
ALL OF THIS takes WORK. It's hard work to look at someone and say "I love you, but you're pissing me off..." and to work through that. It's hard to deal with someone else's bad habits as well as your own .
At the end of the day, it's the two of you working together in a world that mostly couldn't give a shit if you were together or not. Remembering that makes it a little easier sometimes.

 

[Janice]

I love my husband

, we married in our mid-twenties after 4 years of dating. The only thing that concerns me about marrying young is the maturity level. Marriage throws all kinds of life hurdles at you, and if you don't have the maturity to handle it, or really know who you are as a person, I can see how it would break down.

I'm a huge Dr Laura fan, you can find her book The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands (and others) at your local bargain bookseller or somewhere like amazon.com.