Your Thoughts on Marrying Young...

[macslut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisStarrlight Just a sidenote... My best friend from middle school's mom used to always give her this bit of advice, "marry for money cause I married for love twice & it didn't work." About 6 months ago I heard she got married to a guy who is loaded...she's 22. I wonder how it's working out.

Wow, that is pretty cynical. I really hope she is commited to the marriage. My best to her...but, geez, what an attitude.

 

[glamdoll]

I agree with MacSlut it does come from something deeper. For some people it works better not marrying. As for what someone else mentioned about being able to make the bills, rent, loans, I think that is always part of life. Your gonna have to pay rent, bills and everything else anyway, there is no escaping that. Its true before you can make it with someone else you have to have yourself together, but for me I feel great happiness in being home with my son. I go to school too and I have a social life, we go out and party together, we still have dates together, we take our son out with us, its a workin process and it truly does depend on your level of commitment to the person.

It depends on if in every fight your thinking " thats it Im walking out" or your thinking "this too shall pass" every relationship has that.
I have days where Im not to happy w the hubby, but I know that
its not the end of the road, but only the begining an its just a rut,
if you stick around it will pass.

Me and my husband are very young! and no its not perfect at all!
Sometimes he gets annoying, and I get mad, everything becomes so frustrating and I have thought to myself before " what am i doing with my life?" "did I make the right choice?" and I also find myself wanting to get the hell out! but I know theyr both worth it! and I love them very much. And I will try with everything I have to keep it together and the rest lies in the hands of God.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by glamdoll Well I read most of the replys not all of them and this is my take on the subject. I am 18 years old, and I have a 7 month old son. This upcoming weekend will be my first wedding anniversary. Although my pregnancy did have a big part in the decision it wasnt all. I know I love him and I know he loves me like NO ONE has ever loved me before. He shows me the world in a whole new light. Things I would never consider doing, things outside of my own "box" he is showing me the world.. He is only 19 so yes we are VERY young. but so far its been good. Yes we fight.. but he doesnt fight back, he waits for me to cool off and lets us talk about it and find a solution. Everyday is a working process.. Were growing up together, the THREE of us. Though I dont know if this will last, but I hope in my heart it does, It feels right. and if by the Lords will this was to end tomorrow then I can make my peace knowing that I have given and been given all the love perceivable. I honestly wonder what has happened to the days when people truly cared for family. WHen raising your children and spending time with your family was all that mattered. Now a days people have become more selfish. Just worrying about what is best only for them, and I think alot of marriages dont work because one doesnt take into consideration the other. And Im sayin this by experience my parents married at 14! yess SUPEr young, but my dad had no consideration for my mom whatso ever, so this year after 20 years they finally split. I think its up to the people and if they truly give it their all in a relationship. If you give a half assed job thats what youll get back. I dont have much experience, but this is my 2 cents.

While you are very young, I have to admit I admire your attitude. It's so realistic and mature. You make the best of it day by day. I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking "Oh, we'll get divorced someday." It's nice to see someone so young with her feet on the ground...wish my SD was like you....best of luck to you and your little family...

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by macslut What keeps them together? A very deep commitment. That commitment doesn't come from passionate love but from something so much deeper. It comes from birthing children and being there when they are very sick. It comes from sitting with your spouse and waiting for the test results. It comes from bickering over how to decorate the living room. It comes from being there "for better and for worse"

You hit the nail right on the head...

 

[eastsidesunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by macslut What keeps them together? A very deep commitment. That commitment doesn't come from passionate love but from something so much deeper. It comes from birthing children and being there when they are very sick. It comes from sitting with your spouse and waiting for the test results. It comes from bickering over how to decorate the living room. It comes from being there "for better and for worse"

You are so right. You have to want to be there, regardless of whatever emotion you might be feeling at the moment. I can't even tell you how many times I've wanted to say "I hate you I'm leaving go to hell", but I don't because it's not really how I feel. Granted, I might actually feel like that in the heat of the moment. I've always felt like you can hate what they do but love the person for who they are. I know I'm not that old, but that sort of logic comes with age. Getting married too young without that knowledge might work for some, but for the most part doesn't create a lasting bond.

And thank you for the compliment macslut.

 

[uopgirlie]

I met the man I knew I wanted to marry at 18...six years later, we are still together, happier than ever, but we are waiting to get married when I finish school. Our main reasons for waiting are financial stability and distance. He already graduated from school, has a stable career in the town we want to settle down in, and is just waiting for me! I still have a year and a half of school left. It's nice to know that when we get married, we will be doing it on our own, have a house together, and be financially stable. I think it depends on the persons involved in the relationship though - it is very common in my religion for girls to marry young and start their families right away. Every last one of my high school friends is already married, some with 1-2 children. They have all been able to handle the stresses that come with young marriage/families. Personally, I don't think I would be able to handle being married, having a kid, and going to school. I'm a wuss. =)

 

[MACHOMULA]

I definitely agree that marrying young isn't for everyone. I married at 21 (barely) and haven't regretted it for a moment. But, I knew what I wanted most out of life was a family and partner by my side. When my husband came into my life, I was ready and I knew that he was truly one in a million. Being young became the smallest factor in the equation. We have been deliriously happy for almost two years. Still turning each other on and missing each other every moment we're apart. We aren't rich, but we work hard and like I said, I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

[messhead]

To each is their own... (I think that may be the best answer to me when it comes to marrying young...)

My mom married my dad when she was 19, and if he hadn't passed surely they would still be married. But I think it depends on maturity and stability. I have friends who are 21-ish who are getting married, unfortunately they still live at home with their parents.

Granted, marriage is based on love... But why would you want to start a new life with someone living with your parents???

Another example, I knew this guy who married his high school sweetheart. He never had the chance to date (or maybe I should say, experience...) other people. He ended up cheating on her and they divorced. He eventually remarried, but you can tell he never got over her.

As for me, i'm 24, my boyfriend is 22. We have talked about marriage several times, and plan on getting engaged sometime this year. But he has a career and we just bought a house. So thank goodness were stable enough to even think about it.

Alot of people probably said the same thing, but its just my opinion!

 

[M.A.C*Attack]

OK ! lets see heres my take I met my husband @ 15 got married @16 still married 11 years later with 2 kids 9yrs and 1yrs old ,very happy and everyday is a blessing knowing that we have eachother and our 2 girls...

my mom said she gave us 6 months till we divorced and were going on 11 yrs i guess she was wrong and im glad she was!

just just want to be blessed like my grand parents they were like 12 and 15 when they married and till my grandfather passed (oct2006 may he rest in peace)him and my grandmother were still happlily married and with eachother till he took his last breath he was 89 my grandmother is now with my aunt in cali.

so i guess it depends on the person/s and if u want it to work it will.

 

[miss holly j]

I think for everyone it's different.

I'm 20 (21 in April), my boyfriend is 27 we've been togather for 2 years talked for a year before we ever got together.

I want to get married ASAP however, he wants to wait til I graduate College. I think we are going to compromise.

I disagree with people who get married just because their spouse is in the miltary as much as I agree with people staying togather for the children.

I think if you've been togather for a good amount of time (atleast 2 years), now EVERYTHING about each other, the good, the bad and the UGLY and still love each other. I think if this is someone you couldn't imagine spending a day without then go for it. I disagree with people who get married just because they are havnig a baby as well, if you love each other thats one thing but just because you're pregnant that isn't a reason.
I think now a days people marry for convience more then love weather it be security, money or the like.

 

[pixichik77]

I meet my husband at 15 in highschool, we married when he was 21 and I was 20 (right in the middle of our birthdays...) and we will celebrate our 5th in May. Aa a general statement I would not recomend marriage at an early age; I'm a freak of nature/nurture who was very mature for my age and extremly independant. (How many teenagers do you know who refused free cell phone/credit card/etc from their parents because they prefer to shoulder the responsibitiy themselves?) To echo an earlier post, it is helpful to have lived independant lives before marriage and not to go srtaight from living with parents to living with spouse. My sister married the month after I did at 19, and I don't really expect her to make it (and she has kids; sad). Maturity and realism has a lot to do with how a marriage will last; so does ambition (on both sides), how people comunicate/fight, etc. Okay, there's a lot of factors involved... So I'll just stick to why it works for me.

Again, I lived independantly before marriage; he was in school and I worked. I have been the main income producer up until the last year and a half; now I am in school. We moved across the country for me to attend school, quite a sacrifice for a man to make, but he did it gladly. Our goals in life are similar, our career goals in the same field (me: theatrical/film MUA, he; theatrical/film electrician). We communicate very effectively and fight fair. We don't try to make everything half and half; there are just some things i do better than him and vice versa. And we laugh. ALOT. I could never have married a boring man, and even as I write this, he is trying to get me to laugh. ; )
So besides maturity, I think equality helps. In my experience, people not on the same page don't last. I also recommend counseling of some kind before marriage, and visit some model homes! You may be surprised what your other half thinks is important in a home, and by extenson family, and how it meets up with your expectations. It's important to have conversations about those types of things (the model home isn't required, just fun)

BTW, the most annoying comment i get when people find out I am married, even now at 25 (i guess I look younger) is, "do you have kids?". No, we have cats.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixichik77 No, we have cats.

 

[medusalox]

For me, I don't think I could marry young. I've been dating Mike for 3 years now, and most of our friends are married or engaged...and we're just like, "Um....not yet." He's 25, I'm 21. We've talked about it, and nothing's happening until I graduate from college (I've been taking my sweet time in doing that!)...then, we'll move in together and make sure we can cohabitate peacefully. Maybe then we'll get married! I just feel that I need to be with someone for a LONG time to want to enter into a legally binding commitment.

I also want to make sure that I can function as an adult (you know, paying bills and feeding myself and doing laundry...some of that stuff I still suck at!) before I rely on and have someone relying on me.

However, like I said, most of my friends are married or close to, and some of them have wonderful, healthy relationships. It's all individual, and it definitely requires maturity. Me? I'm just not mature enough yet!

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by medusalox most of our friends are married or engaged...and we're just like, "Um....not yet." He's 25, I'm 21.

Married people are just as bad as parent who tell everyone they need to have kids. They have this need to tell everyone that they need to be married because it's the most amazing thing ever. Or is it because that want everyone else to be as misrible as they are =p

 

[Beauty Mark]

It isn't just with marriage or kids, though people seem to be the worst with that. I've seen it happen with many other things. Having an odd one (or couple) out scares people.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark It isn't just with marriage or kids, though people seem to be the worst with that. I've seen it happen with many other things. Having an odd one (or couple) out scares people.

Heh I used that example because of the topic...

And because since i'm 25 now, and more and more of my friends are eigther already married, or in serious relationships, and I'm single... So I hear it a lot...

"Well what was wrong with that guy?!?" or, "I'm going to set you up with one of my single guy friends"

Girl friends who are in a relationships just <3 playing matchmaker =-p

 

[Beauty Mark]

I'm approaching 22, and my friends are preparing for that chapter of their lives. They're hardcore into dating and are weirded out slightly that I'm not at that point.

I know it's only going to get worse

 

[pixichik77]

Quote:

Originally Posted by medusalox I just feel that I need to be with someone for a LONG time to want to enter into a legally binding commitment. I also want to make sure that I can function as an adult (you know, paying bills and feeding myself and doing laundry...some of that stuff I still suck at!) before I rely on and have someone relying on me.

If you cohabitat long enough, the decision of a legally binding commitment is made for you...

I suggest you stay out on your own in your own place for a bit before cohab and after school. it's different in school, so go it alone in a real apartment for a bit. That's the only way to see if you function as an adult. A lot of peeps cohab for money's sake, but don't fall into that. I've watched countless people be forced to live with each other when they no longer loved each other because they had no where else to go. (one of my friends is going thru this right now, they broke up after a very public engagment...)

To add to the variety of how people work, my husband and I didn't live together before marriage. I know that's getting rarer and rarer, but from a fiscally and emotionally independant standpoint i really think it's needed.

 

[Raerae]

I'm all for co-habitation before marriage... BUT... I would seriously recommend you or him (whoever's house become's the main place of residence) keep your place as well. It may seem silly, letting all that rent money fly out the window when you dont have to spend it, but I think it's really for the best.

I've seen a friends relationships who have gone sour, essential, "deal with it" because their financial situation was all tied up because of pre-marriage co-habitation. So they stayed together not because they were really in love, but because it was easier than trying to do things alone again.

Having your own place also takes away the pressure that comes along with co-habitation of "forcing" your relationship to work, because your stuck in a lease on a house or apartment or whatever, bought furniture together, threw out all your old stuff, etc etc.

Yes it may cost you an extra 500-1000 a month to keep your apartment, but at least this way you dont feel obligated to make a bad relationship work months after you moved in, just because your living together. And when you do decide to get married and live together completely, it will be for the right reasons.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixichik77 If you cohabitat long enough, the decision of a legally binding commitment is made for you...

Thats not actually true. Many states abolished "common law" marriage.

15 states still have common law marriage, BUT, you have to do things like a married couple. Like filing joing taxes, refering to your spouse as husband and wife, etc. This creates a "paper trail" of sorts, that in the event of a seperation or a death, the spouse may claim a "common law" marriage. And such things would be used to support their claim to being married in a court of law. Testimony that people thought they were married, refered to each other as Mr and Mrs Smith, taxes paper work, etc.

Even if you live together in a state that has common law marriage, your not guarenteed to be married. As it is put upon the person claiming common law, to prove. And if the evidence isn't there, it's still just cohabitation.

Just thought I would clarify