Your Thoughts on Marrying Young...

[macslut]

Marrying young is a risk factor for divorce. So is your own parents marriage, living together, sex before marriage, financial situations, etc, etc, etc, etc. That doesn't mean it has to happen that way but it needs to be realized.

I think alot of younger people have a very idealized version of marriage. Romance, waking up in each others arms, blah blah blah. Forgetting you are waking up next to the "breathe of death". If it is going to work, they have to lose the romantic notions. It isn't one big sexfest. There are going to be days, weeks, when you will not want to even look at each other. For better or for worse, that needs to be taken seriously people.

I am not a big fan of young marriage. My advise is don't do it. If you know you are going to be together forever, then what is the harm in waiting until you are out of school, financially stable, and a little older and wiser.

 

[MisStarrlight]

My parents got married at 19...almost 23 year later, they're still together. From what I understand, it was rough at first, especially after I was born, but they stuck it out & really do still love each other.

I, on the other hand, am probably not ever going to be married. I almost got married at 18/19. I was with this guy, but 6 hours away at school. The long distance thing was wearing on us so I almost transferred schools & we were going to get married, but he wouldn't let me. He said he didn't want to be responsible for holding me back.

5 years later-I'm glad that we didn't get married. My life would have been completely different. I don't know if I am better off now than I would have been, but I do know that I am different. I don't regret what I was going to do & my life would have been ok...an art teacher in Dallas doesn't seem like too bad of a life, but not nearly as exciting as a makeup artist in NYC.

I was engaged once here in NYC too, but after a year I figured out that it wasn't what I wanted. I'm still with the guy, but right now I can't see myself being with him forever (or honestly, much longer, but that's another topic).

I'm still best friends with the guy from 5 years ago...and as it turns out, I am considering moving to TX with him. I need a change of scenery, but don't want to be completetly alone in a new city. I don't see marriage in my future any time soon though.

 

[*Stargazer*]

I think that when you use the word "young" you have to also look at many other factors. I was what you could consider young when I married, my husband and I were both 22. But we were both college graduates. I'd been living on my own and managing my life for 5 years (and put myself through college) and he had just accepted a commission in the military. I'd say we had pretty much covered the living responsibly thing.

I think its different if you come straight out of high school, don't leave your parent's home, work a dead end job and get married at 17. I think the key, if you marry "young", is whether or not you've had any real life experience before you marry.

I think everything also depends on what you've been taught is the way to go about life, you know? In my house, it was a given that we'd graduate from high school and go straight to college to earn at LEAST a Bachelors before we even contemplated marriage. It would have been unacceptable to my parents to do it any other way.

 

[ilovexnerdsx]

there's no simple answer. if you have other things you want to get done (get a degree, etc) then waiting would be good but if there is nothing significant holding you back, i support you 100%. congratulations sweetheart!

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovexnerdsx there's no simple answer. if you have other things you want to get done (get a degree, etc) then waiting would be good but if there is nothing significant holding you back, i support you 100%. congratulations sweetheart!

Thank you! Actually I was asking because I was curious over how people felt on it and how marrying young or older had worked out for others here. I'm very confident that this is what I want... I'm 22 and graduating in a year and we aren't going to get married til he graduates in 2 years... but sometimes it seems silly that we're engaged 2 years before we can get married... like an indefinite engagement.

 

[LisaR]

I guess I'm the "dinosaur" in this group. At almost 50, I've been married over half my life. Not to the same person. I married young at 19 to someone who was 6 years older and divorced after 15 years. Later, I married again and we're fixin' to celebrate our 10th anniversary. He is 8 years my junior. I LOVE, love, love my husband and, I think, we'll be together the rest of our lives but then, that's what I thought at 19 too.

To be honest, if I had it to do over again. I wouldn't marry until I was at least 40, if at all. Not that marriage isn't a wonderful institution. It is. More importantly, it provides us with legal avenues that protect our interests both financially and medically and, of course, legally. But as a middle aged woman who was (perhaps) a late bloomer, I have finally found myself. I finally know WHO I am, WHAT I want to do, WHEN I want to do it and HOW I want to do it. Those things are not quite as possible to achieve when you're married. There's always someone else to consider. always, always, always. If you have children (which we don't) it make achieving your goals all the more difficult. Family first, you second. By the time your family is grown, you're getting started in a world where youth gets the edge instead of maturity.

In most homes, the husband earns the largest share of the income. Sad but true, the glass ceiling still exists. When the call comes for re-location wives don't have a choice but to pick up and go, leaving their careers, selling homes they may have purchased in their own names, etc. Yes, new ones can be forged.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm 49, turning 50 in June and so are most of my friends who are, for the most part feeling very similar things. Some of us want to pick up and go live in Belize where we went zip-lining through the jungle last summer much to our husbands amazement. We do girlish, fun, amazing, amazing things and some of us have just come out of retirement to start new businesses. Again, spouses frowned on some of us. But we understand their consternation. We have put husbands, children and our homes first for so many years, of course they think we're batty. But, it's our turn. We never got it when we were in our late teens and twenties and thirties.

I'm not knocking marriage really. All I'm saying is think waaaaay behond the white dress, the rehersal dinner, honeymoon and the first baby. Think about what YOU want to accomplish in 10 years...20? 30?
Married or not. Find your goal and go for it! Stick to it and don't let anyone...even a husband...get in your way. They aren't always there forever. You WILL reach a point in your life when you say to yourself or your best friend of 30 years..."Hey, what about me???" "When is it MY turn??" And that's when it WILL be your turn because once you ask that one little question, it naggingly never goes away and it's so hard to achieve when you're married with children. And yes, I think you reach it much earlier if you're NOT married because your focuse is solely on you (if you let it be). Be young and enjoy!

Good luck to all the young brides and brides to be. I really DO hope your dreams and your marriages are everything you want them to be. Please know these are ONLY my opinions so take them with a grain of salt.

 

[LisaR]

Shimmer, I just have to add, your post hits the nail on the head as far as marriage being plain ol' HARD WORK! Kudos to you! I encourage everyone who's considering marriage to print it out and read it every day!

You're so wise, girl!

 

[queenofdisaster]

i really didnt read through this entire post, but i just had to say that i am only 20 and i got married not too long after i turned 19. i honestly married my husband 3 months after we met. but it felt right. and we have survived the first year and are very much in love. so my advice to anyone regardless of age is to simply follow your heart!

 

[Jeannine8]

I think it depends, on a lot of things. The maturity level of the couple (a 20 year old could be years ahead of the 23 year old next to her, everyone's different), the culture, the circumstances, it all really just depends.

As for young couples that have gotten married.... My sister married young, she was 20, it was one of those things where everyone warned her, and sometimes you have to listen around you and not be so hard headed, she divorced him in less than 2 years.


My mom was 18 when she married my dad, who was 19. They've been together for going on 28 years now.


There's no cut and dry answer to these things, some people make it work, no matter what age, while others don't.

 

[MAC_Whore]

My Potentially Heated Topic Disclaimer

: The following is based on my experience. What worked for me may not work for others. I realize that. I am not saying anything about anyone who makes different choices. I can only say what worked for me and why. To each their own....


I agree that it does depend on the maturity of the people involved. I feel that generally it is better to not marry too young. Here's why:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer ... I thought I knew who I was....

I always hated it when those older than me said things like the above quote. It always felt kind of condescending, but as the years pass, I find that they were right. You really need to get to know yourself.

I got married at 25, so not that young. Both my husband and I were always the type to say, "Oh God, I'm never getting married." Then, one New Years it happened. He proposed and I knew it was the right thing for me, for him, for us. He is amazing and over 10 years later, it is still bliss.

I think we had couple of things that helped us. 1) we had lived independent lives before we met each other and 2) neither of us had a goal to get married. I think a lot of people get into trouble when they have a goal to get married. As a young woman, I never said, "Here is my life plan, I need to be married by X years and I need to have kids by X years". I think things like that can run the risk of clouding decision making. You run the danger of overlooking potentially big problems to make someone fit the mold. I have never been into the idea of marriage in the abstract. As a little girl I never played "wedding". As a young woman, I didn't plan the "perfect wedding" in my head. I wanted to find a great person to be with. Not just a guy in a tux who will stand at the alter with me, so I can wear a pretty dress and get lots of presents. I think that those things gave me the clarity of mind to know that I was entering into our marriage solely for love.

In addition to that, I never had to convince myself that my husband was the one, or that "oh I can change this or that about him". I really have the blessing of being married to a truly great man. It was an easy decision.

So, based on my personal experience, I found that it worked better to wait a bit. That been said, I do realize that everyone is different. I think the key is to be honest and realistic with yourself and your partner before you enter into marriage. If you can truly do that, you can make a better decision.

 

[red]

I got married right after college, kind of missed out on many things raising 2 chilren, but I don't regret it for a minute.
Now in my early 40s I've gotten my life back and a hot new boyfriend to boot

Glad it worked out this way, kinda grew up with my kids, who are now in their teens ... we love the same music

I would do it all over again!

 

[lemurian]

There is no one right answer. For myself, I think marriage is a mistake altogether. I've been a live-in and engaged a couple times, and that was scary enough for me

But I've also seen marriages work, where the couple is happier married than they ever were before. These are all couples who dated and lived together for YEARS before they were married, though.

If nothing else, I think it is wise to make separating as easy as possible -- have a pre-nuptual agreement and at wait at least a bit to have kids. Don't change your last name, get his name tattoed on your bum, etc.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LisaR Shimmer, I just have to add, your post hits the nail on the head as far as marriage being plain ol' HARD WORK! Kudos to you! I encourage everyone who's considering marriage to print it out and read it every day! You're so wise, girl!

It's the truth.
It's not sunshine and unicorns, bunnies, flowers, and the honeymoon orgasm afterglow everyday.
It's gritty and it's hard and you're giving yourself to someone in the most intimate of manners, someone who will know you inside and out for the (theoretical) rest of your life. That person has the power to lift you up, that person has the power to tear you down, and that person will, in his or her own way, do both, every single day.
God knows, I wish I'd known that when I got married the first time. We wouldn't still be together, but at least the damage could have been minimalized.

I'm not trying to be a downer on marriage, I truly am not. Getting married to my husband was the freaking most unbelievably indescribable day in my life. I have no words to express it, I truly don't. But it's not easy. It's frustrating sometimes, but it's still the best decision I've ever made in my life. Bar none.

 

[linziP123]

well my mum was married at 18, and there's 14 years between her and my dad. She had me at 20 and is now pregnant with her 6th child- from the same dad lol!- and they have been married for 21 years this year! So from my own experience marrying young can work, and if you want the family lifestyle it's great! my mum always wanted a big family and wasn't fussed about a career so it's fine for her. If you want a career though i wouldn't do it, i think it would strain the relationship!

 

[eastsidesunset]

Statistically, you're more likely to get divorced if you marry younger (under 25 I think). Divorce rates drop 50% after the age of 25.

With that being said, statistics shouldn't dictate anything you do. Being knowledgeable on the topic is all you can really do to prepare yourself. Knowing marriage is hard work, learning how to effectively communicate and deal with conflict, and being open to the fact that you aren't always going to be each others biggest fans is a good place to start.

I've thought about it, and I think it just depends on the couple. I'm very impulsive, and I would love to get married RIGHT NOW because I love my guy that much, but I know that it's not the best idea. For jebus sake, we have still to tell our families about being engaged, haha. I'm 23, ten weeks from finishing my degree, in debt up the wazoo, and my boy works a crap job for barely minimum wage, while we both live at home. Getting married now? NOT GOING TO WORK. Romantic? Yea, but romance doesn't keep you two together.

I know marriage has this whole "we love each other it's what we want to do" idea attached to it, but be realistic. Can you see yourself dealing with bills, school, possible student loans, having a social life, work, etc AND being married? As selfish as it sounds, you need to be more concerned with getting your life together before you can even start to think about starting a life with someone else.

Well, the way I see it, I'm doing my guy a great service...I don't want to deal with my tens of thousands of student loan debt. He agrees, haha

 

[MisStarrlight]

Just a sidenote...
My best friend from middle school's mom used to always give her this bit of advice, "marry for money cause I married for love twice & it didn't work."

About 6 months ago I heard she got married to a guy who is loaded...she's 22. I wonder how it's working out.

 

[glamdoll]

Well I read most of the replys not all of them and this is my take on the subject.

I am 18 years old, and I have a 7 month old son. This upcoming weekend will be my first wedding anniversary.
Although my pregnancy did have a big part in the decision it wasnt all. I know I love him and I know he loves me like NO ONE has ever loved me before. He shows me the world in a whole new light.
Things I would never consider doing, things outside of my own "box"
he is showing me the world.. He is only 19 so yes we are VERY young. but so far its been good.

Yes we fight.. but he doesnt fight back, he waits for me to cool off and lets us talk about it and find a solution. Everyday is a working process.. Were growing up together, the THREE of us.

Though I dont know if this will last, but I hope in my heart it does,
It feels right. and if by the Lords will this was to end tomorrow then I can make my peace knowing that I have given and been given all the love perceivable.

I honestly wonder what has happened to the days when people truly cared for family. WHen raising your children and spending time with your family was all that mattered.
Now a days people have become more selfish. Just worrying about what is best only for them, and I think alot of marriages dont work because one doesnt take into consideration the other.

And Im sayin this by experience my parents married at 14! yess SUPEr young, but my dad had no consideration for my mom whatso ever, so this year after 20 years they finally split.

I think its up to the people and if they truly give it their all in a relationship. If you give a half assed job thats what youll get back.

I dont have much experience, but this is my 2 cents.

 

[user79]

I'd say wait. A friend of mine got married to her highschool sweetheart, but they didnt actually get married until they were 25 or so. What's the rush? You can always get married, but getting a divorce is much harder.

I'm 26 and been together with my man since I was 19 and we're not even engaged yet. I guess I don't really see the necessity of it. We live together since years now, and pretty much share all the living costs, so it's practically like we are married.

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisStarrlight Just a sidenote... My best friend from middle school's mom used to always give her this bit of advice, "marry for money cause I married for love twice & it didn't work." About 6 months ago I heard she got married to a guy who is loaded...she's 22. I wonder how it's working out.

Wow thats pretty sad and cynical of her mom to give such awful advice. Money can't make you truly happy either.

 

[macslut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eastsidesunset Yea, but romance doesn't keep you two together. I know marriage has this whole "we love each other it's what we want to do" idea attached to it, but be realistic. Can you see yourself dealing with bills, school, possible student loans, having a social life, work, etc AND being married? As selfish as it sounds, you need to be more concerned with getting your life together before you can even start to think about starting a life with someone else. :

You are a very very mature 23 year old. You have hit it right on the head....romance doesn't keep you together. I am going to go as far as saying that love doesn't keep you together. Everyone I know who has been married over a couple of years has told me that there have been days that they HATED their spouse. What keeps them together? A very deep commitment. That commitment doesn't come from passionate love but from something so much deeper. It comes from birthing children and being there when they are very sick. It comes from sitting with your spouse and waiting for the test results. It comes from bickering over how to decorate the living room. It comes from being there "for better and for worse"