Your Thoughts on Marrying Young...

[pixichik77]

Pardon, merely being facetious. It should still be a point to consider. Some gals don't realize they might live in a common lay state, and may get a nasty surprise a few years down the road. On the other hand, some peeps assume they have legal control over their partner in an accident/emergency and don't. My point (veiled in sarcasm) was to be informed.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixichik77 Pardon, merely being facetious. It should still be a point to consider. Some gals don't realize they might live in a common lay state, and may get a nasty surprise a few years down the road. On the other hand, some peeps assume they have legal control over their partner in an accident/emergency and don't. My point (veiled in sarcasm) was to be informed.

Right, BUT, you have to act as a couple.

Common law marriage (and it's variants) will only come into play in situations where being married grants you rights.

Example 1: Your partner wants to leave you (or you want to leave them). If you've been living together, and have been doing things as a couple, you could claim common law marriage, and spousal benefits that go along with a actual divorce. In this case it would be incumbent on you as the party claiming common law, to prove that you were for all intents and purposes, living together as a married couple. Perhaps children with the father's last name, friends that could testify that they believed you were married, joint bank accounts, joint tax filings, etc.

However, just co-habitation alone isn't enough to prove common law marriage. Even if it's been going on for several years.

Other instances could be when your partner is sick, and making health decisions. You could use common law (and again you'd prolly have to prove it) to gain spousal rights to making medical decisions on his behalf. etc.

It's a very common (but wrong) belief, that if you just live with someone for like seven years, your automatically married. I was just clarifying that incorrect assumption.

Also other states that dont have common law marriage, may have other things such a domestic partnership laws, and such. But again, in order to gain the legal rights tat go along with these laws, you have to be able to document and prove that your acting as a couple, and not just "dating."

 

[pixichik77]

Exactly. There are some rights you get over time, and there are more rights you can only obtain thru marriage/partnerships/leagl docs. That's my point. It's weighing on my mind right now because of a silly friend of mine with her head in the sand and issues in her life that would benefit from a formal, legal tie of some kind with her partner (not neccesarily marriage), yet she refuses to inform herself. I think rather than ennumerating when you do or don't form legal connections, people need to just go look for themselves what their situation stacks up to.

 

[medusalox]

Good advice!
I have lived on my own before, but now that I look back on it, it wasn't quite in that 'fully funtional adult' sense. Once was in the dorms (about the farthest thing from functional!), and once was when I took a year off of school to move to Texas. Heh, I came back home in a timely fashion.

Anyways, it's a good point. How horrible would it be if we moved in together while I'm still trying to work out how to, like, DO regular stuff?! My boyfriend's lived on his own for years now, I'm pretty sure he wants a fully functional life partner as a roommate, not someone who still can't quite do her own laundry (does denim EVER dry completely?!) I'm more than willing to wait a while to cohabitate if it means that my relationship will remain healthy and successful!

Come to think of it, as I survey some of my friends that have rushed to live with their boyfriends....only one out of all of them is still in a happy relationship. Hmmm, I think that exemplifies your point!

Thanks again, ladies!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I'm all for co-habitation before marriage... BUT... I would seriously recommend you or him (whoever's house become's the main place of residence) keep your place as well. It may seem silly, letting all that rent money fly out the window when you dont have to spend it, but I think it's really for the best. I've seen a friends relationships who have gone sour, essential, "deal with it" because their financial situation was all tied up because of pre-marriage co-habitation. So they stayed together not because they were really in love, but because it was easier than trying to do things alone again. Having your own place also takes away the pressure that comes along with co-habitation of "forcing" your relationship to work, because your stuck in a lease on a house or apartment or whatever, bought furniture together, threw out all your old stuff, etc etc. Yes it may cost you an extra 500-1000 a month to keep your apartment, but at least this way you dont feel obligated to make a bad relationship work months after you moved in, just because your living together. And when you do decide to get married and live together completely, it will be for the right reasons.

 

[ginger9]

I'm in my 30s and I thought I'd share some of my experience, thoughts on this topic. Despite my somewhat cynical attitude (

) I have to honestly say I think if you've found the right person then go for it no matter your age. Granted, I must preface by saying currently I know more divorcees, people in unhappy marriages than not (just a reflection of current divorce rates). And to be honest I have had a few married men tell me they wished they "waited and didn't marry so young". But IMO I think it's a cop out. I think to some extent they use "young age" as an excuse because they have given up trying to keep their marriage going. And if they have seriously tried to the best of their abilities and things are just not meant to be I respect them if they just said that.

I'm not saying if you marry the "right person" at the time it's going to work out for life but at least you are off to the right start. It's true that when you are young you're just discovering yourself and sometimes people grow apart during that process. But that's the chance we all take in relationships. Nothing is guarantee when it comes to matters of the heart but I wouldn't discourage young people from marriage just because of that. My 2cents

edit:

I just read LisaR's post and I totally hear her point of view as I was raise by a very progressive mother who taught me to be an independent women regardless of my martial status, whether single, married or pregnant I needed to have financial freedom from a man. I am a financially independent single woman right now and I am free to do all the things I want to do without having to answer to anyone. I believe it's possible to be married and have independence as well. I'm not saying still live the life of a single and never consider others needs but as long as you are educated and have your own career I don't think you need to give up all the things that make you happy to be married. Granted there's a reason why I'm still single as I haven't met a man that is willing to meet me half way yet

then again I admit I don't try very hard in looking if at all...but I've gotten to the point in my life that I'm willing to forgo marriage if I can't have the things that I value in life. Just one woman's POV

 

[pixichik77]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ginger9 And to be honest I have had a few married men tell me they wished they "waited and didn't marry so young". But IMO I think it's a cop out. I think to some extent they use "young age" as an excuse because they have given up trying to keep their marriage going.

Good point! I think you may be right.

 

[missymaricel]

People go through profound changes during their lifetimes, particularly early adulthood between the ages of 18 and 25. I'm turning 26 this year and I often look back at how much I've changed and matured since I was just 18. This is the age where you're officially an adult, but this doesn't necessarily mean you're done growing up. By age 21, I had been with my high school sweetheart for 5 long years, but both of us had grown and changed so much that we realized we had become people that were no longer happy with one another. It all depends on what type of person you end up becoming. Perhaps the two of you will grow and mature into having the perfect relationship when it started off on the wrong foot, or vice versa where the once perfect couple grows into complete opposites. You can feel ready for marriage at 18, 25, 35, or even 45. It all depends on how you grow together. I married considerably young at age 24, but I know he is the one I'd marry at age 35 or 45. You just know it deep down and no one else can tell you otherwise. Our love has been full of passion, mutual respect and understanding, patience, and communication. As I watch my husband continue to mature even more than the man he already is, my love grows deeper. I love him more today than yesterday.

 

[DevinGirl]

I'm 24 & I got married when I was 20. My husband & I got married roughly 5 months after knowing each other. As cliche as it sounds...when it feels right, it just feels right. I know that there are enough people to sink a fleet of liner ships that have gotten married thinking that it was 'right' & are now divorced. Obviously there's no right amount of time to wait, or a general standard of years to live together before tying the knot. Life's all about chance & the risks you take. Sometimes they're worth it, sometimes they're not. I know in my heart, I couldn't be happier with my husband. I had a lot of experience before I met Dave & none of it was positive. I had all but sworn off marriage when I met him & no one was more surprised than me when I got married. So, Kaliraksha...if you know in your heart that you're strong enough to share your life with someone, then you have to know that you're strong enough to handle any possible consequences. Whether that be a lifetime of bliss, or rough times, ending up alone, realizing that it was too early for you, etc...You just have to be ready to handle whatever life throws at you. I wish you all the luck there is to give.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ginger9 I just read LisaR's post and I totally hear her point of view as I was raise by a very progressive mother who taught me to be an independent women regardless of my martial status, whether single, married or pregnant I needed to have financial freedom from a man. I am a financially independent single woman right now and I am free to do all the things I want to do without having to answer to anyone. I believe it's possible to be married and have independence as well.

I totally agree with you. My Mom was the same way. And her current relationship is built upon those values. Going on 20 years now. I'm always AMAZED at threads like the one about, "What does your husband say about your MAC addiction." And how many married women talk about how their husband "lets" them buy things. It just seems so foreign to me.

My Mom, and her Husband, both have seperate bank accounts. They both have their own jobs, and their own paychecks. My Mom was the owner of the house they lived in, and he paid a % of the mortgage when he moved in, but it was always in her name (the just moved and bought a house together, and now both their names are on the mortgage). She pays her own car bill, he pays his. If she wants to buy anything, she can, and doesn't have to ask his permission because it's her money. He has that same freedom. However they do consult together on anything that effects both of them, and will often go in 50/50 on it. And they share equally everything they both use, and pay for it equally. Regardless of their freedom's, you'd be amazed at how much they depend on each others advice when it comes to making decisions, even ones where they dont "HAVE" to ask. And I think thats why it works. They consult each other because the WANT to, not because they feel obligated because it's HIS money.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I totally agree with you. My Mom was the same way. And her current relationship is built upon those values. Going on 20 years now. I'm always AMAZED at threads like the one about, "What does your husband say about your MAC addiction." And how many married women talk about how their husband "lets" them buy things. It just seems so foreign to me. My Mom, and her Husband, both have seperate bank accounts. They both have their own jobs, and their own paychecks. My Mom was the owner of the house they lived in, and he paid a % of the mortgage when he moved in, but it was always in her name (the just moved and bought a house together, and now both their names are on the mortgage). She pays her own car bill, he pays his. If she wants to buy anything, she can, and doesn't have to ask his permission because it's her money. He has that same freedom. However they do consult together on anything that effects both of them, and will often go in 50/50 on it. And they share equally everything they both use, and pay for it equally. Regardless of their freedom's, you'd be amazed at how much they depend on each others advice when it comes to making decisions, even ones where they dont "HAVE" to ask. And I think thats why it works. They consult each other because the WANT to, not because they feel obligated because it's HIS money.

My parents were the total opposite of this. Shared bank account and It led to money issues.. My dad restores classic hot rod type cars, and my mom was furious with his money spending with it. It led to a LOT of problems and ultimately the end of their marriage. No good. When I get married we are going to have separate bank accounts. I really don't see the point of sharing one.it just leads to problems. If you made it, you have the right to spend it RESPONSIBLY. I also find the posts of "what does your man think of your Mac obsession" .. its crazy because my boyfriend doesnt give a shit . (he does care when I buy over 100 Dollars worth of stuff because I owe him 1,000 Dollars at the moment and Im taking my sweet time at paying him back

) but I cant stop him from buying car junk.. he cant stop me from buying new peep toes and cell phones

 

[MissMarley]

I'm 23, got married at 20. I also graduated high school at 16 and was a semester away from graduating college when I got married. My husband is two years older. I had been living on my own for three years, working full-time to support myself and going to school. I think the definition of "marrying young" should be based on life experience/maturity, rather than chronological age. I may have been 20, but I was over my partying every night/flirting with every boy/etc stage. Nate and I had been together two years when we got married.

And I love being married to him. He's a wonderful man, we've been together 5 years now.

But many other 20 year olds- I would say they weren't ready for marriage when I was. But they were sophomores in college, still partying till dawn and stuff like that. Every person goes through different stages in life, and they just need to be in the right one before being ready for marriage.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I totally agree with you. My Mom was the same way. And her current relationship is built upon those values. Going on 20 years now. I'm always AMAZED at threads like the one about, "What does your husband say about your MAC addiction." And how many married women talk about how their husband "lets" them buy things. It just seems so foreign to me. My Mom, and her Husband, both have seperate bank accounts. They both have their own jobs, and their own paychecks. My Mom was the owner of the house they lived in, and he paid a % of the mortgage when he moved in, but it was always in her name (the just moved and bought a house together, and now both their names are on the mortgage). She pays her own car bill, he pays his. If she wants to buy anything, she can, and doesn't have to ask his permission because it's her money. He has that same freedom. However they do consult together on anything that effects both of them, and will often go in 50/50 on it. And they share equally everything they both use, and pay for it equally. Regardless of their freedom's, you'd be amazed at how much they depend on each others advice when it comes to making decisions, even ones where they dont "HAVE" to ask. And I think thats why it works. They consult each other because the WANT to, not because they feel obligated because it's HIS money.

If I ever get married, I want both of us to have separate bank accounts and one joint one for stuff that we'd share, like groceries or rent/mortgage.

 

[ginger9]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I totally agree with you. My Mom was the same way. And her current relationship is built upon those values. Going on 20 years now. I'm always AMAZED at threads like the one about, "What does your husband say about your MAC addiction." And how many married women talk about how their husband "lets" them buy things. It just seems so foreign to me. My Mom, and her Husband, both have seperate bank accounts. They both have their own jobs, and their own paychecks. My Mom was the owner of the house they lived in, and he paid a % of the mortgage when he moved in, but it was always in her name (the just moved and bought a house together, and now both their names are on the mortgage). She pays her own car bill, he pays his. If she wants to buy anything, she can, and doesn't have to ask his permission because it's her money. He has that same freedom. However they do consult together on anything that effects both of them, and will often go in 50/50 on it. And they share equally everything they both use, and pay for it equally. Regardless of their freedom's, you'd be amazed at how much they depend on each others advice when it comes to making decisions, even ones where they dont "HAVE" to ask. And I think thats why it works. They consult each other because the WANT to, not because they feel obligated because it's HIS money.

This kind of reminds me of a show Oprah had not too long ago, I think I must have been on holidays or something because I wasn't at work. But it was an episode about working vs. stay-at-home moms. This particular show was vigorously debated. Most women have very passionate and sometimes torn views about this topic.

In general I believe it's all about choices people make, and whether they feel they will be most satisfied with whatever decision. I don't believe in "having it all" but I believe in "having what you want with realistic expectations". For me, I was raised this way and I do treasure the financial freedom I have achieved. I'm not wealthy but I can support myself. I can say nothing was handed to me on a silver plater and I fought hard and continue to fight in a man's world. I'm also at the age where I have wondered if I made the right decision. I'm 33 and single. Many women my age are married and have children. I am not anti-marriage or kids by all means. In fact I love to have that life but it has to be with the right person.

Anyway, I think I'm getting off topic. But Raerae it sounds like your mom and her husband have built a solid foundation for a long lasting relationship. It's great that they consult each other because they WANT to rather than have to

. Not to be a bubble burster but sometimes equally shared relationships don't work either. My aunt had one of those and it was so bad that it was like they were roommates. Also if anyone recalls the movie Joy Luck Club, one of the daughters had to split everything even the cost of ice cream with her husband (she ended up dumping him and then hooked up with a total hottie...btw I highly recommend this movie if you haven't seen it). To sum it up relationships are not easy nor is there ever a perfect formula.

I think what some of us are trying to warn about is when you marry young, sometimes you have ambitions that gets realized later on in your relationship and sometimes the person you are with may not necessarily feel the same way about it. I think that's what LisaR was referring to...but then again there are wonderful marriages where it's just awesome and you grow and share together with time and there's just no other place you rather be

!! I say take a chance on love but just be smart and aware and go with your gut instincts!!

 

[kaliraksha]

On the topic of bank accounts, I agree with Beauty Marked that this is the personal style that will work best for me. My fiance and myself- our parents styles are completely different. My parents have separate everything- bank accounts, credit cards, car loans, etc. They divide payments on things that are theirs- house, kids, food, etc. While on the other hand his parents have everything together- every little detail. We always playfully argue, like when I go shopping and he's like "how much did you spend?" and I'm like "separate banking accounts!" in a sing song voice.

However, we have seriously talked about it and I talked about maybe setting goals/budgets/limits to one account that we should each meet half way. Give X amount of money to this account because this is what we need. Then everything else should be dealt separately- as it is his hard earned money he can buy what makes him happy without getting into argument, same with me.

However, there were 2 points that were brought up from him that I've thought about- he goes on about how it's our life and we should share assets and plan our life together. He asks me if we are each going to make our own retirement fund? What happens if one person doesn't reach their goal?

Also, what if the mother makes the choice to stay at home with their child the first few years of their lives. Is it all of sudden all his money? Does he have the right to spend it as he chooses?

Separate bank accounts did not work for my parents, but probably for other reasons as well. My father cheated on my mom and she found out one day by looking at his credit card bill- he was paying for a separate cell phone, dinners, roses, etc that were not going to her. So it was easier for him to hide it.

Just some extra points thrown into the discussion =) My mind is totally undecided, I want a balance of both worlds.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha On Also, what if the mother makes the choice to stay at home with their child the first few years of their lives. Is it all of sudden all his money? Does he have the right to spend it as he chooses?

I think thats what some of us are getting at with the seperate bank account etc... I know many couples (my Moms friends) where the wife is a stay home Mom, and the husband is the one who works. And it really depends on HIS view I think, as to how well that works.

Some men, DO NOT, value house work as real work. Because it doesn't bring in a pay check. And as a result, they have an over inflated sense of self worth when it comes to the fact that they are the only ones earning a paycheck. The whole, "I AM THE PROVIDER" attitude that some guys get off on.

Example: I remember my Mom bringing this up, they were at dinner with a couple, and the Husband of the other couple offered to pick up the tab. And he was like, "Don't worry about it, I'll pay for the bill." And his wife (house wife) chimes in, "we'll pay for the bill." And he apparently looked at her and laughed and said something along the lines of, "You dont work for anyone, you dont earn any income, this is my Money, I'm the one paying, not you."

I think that can be just as poisonous of a relationship as one where people keep everything divided. Because he views it as his, not, "ours." So to speak. Or beacuse he earns more (in the case of both people work), that he somehow is a more important contributer to the household.

Money really is a fickle thing. And unless both people have a comfortable understanding of how it works in their household, it can end up leading to a lot of problems.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha Also, what if the mother makes the choice to stay at home with their child the first few years of their lives. Is it all of sudden all his money? Does he have the right to spend it as he chooses?

I am a SAHM and will be for the forseeable future. I supported my husband by working two jobs while he was in college because he wasn't allowed to work, with the understanding that once we married and started our family, he would temporarily become the sole provider. Our agreement has always been that the work we both do, paid or not, to run and fund our household is comparably valuable. Sure my husband could run his own household, but the quality of life he enjoys with a wife is light years ahead of what it would be as a bachelor

All of the money that comes into our household is our money and once the necessary money is alloted to bills and savings each month, we both spend on whatever we feel like spending on, without asking for permission. If it's a large ticket item, we usually tell the other person, if only to give them a heads up.

But we went into our relationship knowing fundamental things about each other and outlining our agreements and expectations before we got married. Whatever method you choose, I think the key is to have an agreement in place BEFORE you marry.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladybug10678 But we went into our relationship knowing fundamental things about each other and outlining our agreements and expectations before we got married. Whatever method you choose, I think the key is to have an agreement in place BEFORE you marry.

I think think right here is relationship gold.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I think think right here is relationship gold.

Honest to God, I don't understand how people don't do it. You are making an arrangement for the rest of your life, theoretically of course, and people don't sit down and plan for major things? Boggles my mind.

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I think thats what some of us are getting at with the seperate bank account etc... I know many couples (my Moms friends) where the wife is a stay home Mom, and the husband is the one who works. And it really depends on HIS view I think, as to how well that works.

Oh no, that's just a point I was bringing up too. I just think it's a bit of a double standard to see it as "her money" and "his money" and then all of a sudden one person "decides" to take a break, for whatever reason, and it's suddenly "our money".

I will agree with Ladybug and RaeRae that it really is about having a plan worked out prior to getting to the problems- but also two open minded people who love each other realizing you can't plan for everything. The path may change but the destination should stay the same.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha Oh no, that's just a point I was bringing up too. I just think it's a bit of a double standard to see it as "her money" and "his money" and then all of a sudden one person "decides" to take a break, for whatever reason, and it's suddenly "our money"

Ahh, I do believe we were speaking on parallel but diff points

In that case I think it would be important to discuss things similar to Ladybug's situation. Where if for some reason, a spouse is no longer able to work, or the family because of children decides it's better for the family that they no longer work, then I do believe that, His and Hers, would become, "ours."

I think in those situations it's important for the person earning the remaining income to value the work that the person who stays at home does as equal, to the work that pays a salary.