my love was taken away from me

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty As a law student (soon to be lawyer in a few months) I find your statement wildly inappropriate and in very poor taste. A public defender is a "real lawyer" has a duty to his/her client to put for the best defense possible and do what is in the best interest of the client (or what the client wants to do). Any public defender who doesn't rise up to this standard will be in front of an ethics board or be out of a job. Now that being said, a public defender is not a miracle worker...some clients are so darn guilty and there's so much evidence stacked up against them there's nothing that can be done except to strike a plea bargain. No, every lawyer does not HAVE to do one pro bono case per year. Each state's bar association sets its requirements for pro bono work. Most states won't require that a lawyer take on pro bono work because if a lawyer already has a full plate and then is required to do pro bono on top, that may very well cause the lawyer to provide less than adequate legal services. In fact, lawyers who are over-extended can get into trouble with their state's ethics committee. Most states will allow a lawyer to pay a certain amount of money into the state's legal aid fund in order to get out of doing pro bono. This poor girl is asking for advice, and those who directed her to seek pro bono or wait for a public defender are accurate. What's done is done, and now her and her boyfriend need damage control.

Just speaking from what I've heard...
I know some people who've said the same thing she said...that public defenders don't do the best job of defending the client. My boyfriend has been to court a few times and has told me the same thing...that the public defender didn't seem to do a good job and was seen afterwards laughing and joking with the prosecutor, etc.

I'm just stating what I've heard. I know damn near nothing about the law and court, and all that. I think that maybe MACpro__* chose poor words? I wouldn't say a public defender wasn't a "real lawyer". I'm just saying that I can somewhat see where she is coming from. Of course, if there is nothing much that a public defender can do, then thats understandable too. We all want the law/government to do things the way they should be done. But I think we ALL know that things don't always work out that way.

Once again...I'm not speaking for every public defender and I know that I could be wrong. I'm just saying how I feel. Don't attack me.

 

[*Stargazer*]

You get returned to you what you put out there. After your second post, I would expect more negativity and harshness. And I wouldn't blame the posters one bit. When you bite peoples' heads off before they even respond to you, you aren't being terribly mature. I find it highly ironic that you have the nerve to call other people immature.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamergirl3 This is the thing that bothers me about marijuana smokers...no matter how you feel about the drug laws, it's weird to be getting upset over GETTING CAUGHT.

Word.

I've long thought that if marijuana users or their loved ones would can the "Why me?" attitude when the user gets caught, non-users and strangers who hear about the situation on a random messageboard would be far more likely to be compassionate. The inappropriate defensiveness grates.

The only place the "Why me?" attitude is appropriate is in protests and campaigns to change the law. We live in a society where we can protest and have our thoughts heard within the confines of the law. Contrary to what some smokers seem to think, smoking marijuana is not a lawful protest or a mature way of expressing one's opinion about the substance. Smoking it may be considered morally murky (i.e., some think it's morally acceptable; others don't), but falling on the 'acceptable' side of that equation doesn't mean the action suddenly becomes legal.

To the OP:

The best thing you can do right now is exactly what you've done: rally the family troops, get a good lawyer, and be supportive. However, you say that he's changed. Part of him being responsible is all those things you listed - getting a job, getting an apartment, quitting drugs. But unless he was incapacitated, he simply has no excuse for missing his court date. It looks terrible and wears away any arguments in favour of his new-found maturity. Also, if you tone down your defensiveness a wee bit, you may find people on Specktra will respond in kind. It's like you were expecting a fight. You seem to be new to the site. Give us a chance and we'll give you a chance!

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist Also, if you tone down your defensiveness a wee bit, you may find people on Specktra will respond in kind. It's like you were expecting a fight. You seem to be new to the site. Give us a chance and we'll give you a chance!

OK, so this is what I was trying to say but I lack the ability to be tactful and kind LOL

 

[purrtykitty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC Just speaking from what I've heard... I know some people who've said the same thing she said...that public defenders don't do the best job of defending the client. My boyfriend has been to court a few times and has told me the same thing...that the public defender didn't seem to do a good job and was seen afterwards laughing and joking with the prosecutor, etc. I'm just stating what I've heard. I know damn near nothing about the law and court, and all that. I think that maybe MACpro__* chose poor words? I wouldn't say a public defender wasn't a "real lawyer". I'm just saying that I can somewhat see where she is coming from. Of course, if there is nothing much that a public defender can do, then thats understandable too. We all want the law/government to do things the way they should be done. But I think we ALL know that things don't always work out that way. Once again...I'm not speaking for every public defender and I know that I could be wrong. I'm just saying how I feel. Don't attack me.

No attack, but public defenders work quite often with prosecutors, so it doesn't surprise me that they may often exchange pleasantries. And not every lawyer is going to be a great lawyer, the only requirement is that the representation be competent. While it may seem that a public defender doesn't do a good job, it's really hard to determine that without more information. Of course the person who is being defended is going to think he or she is getting a raw deal, especially if he or she ends up going to jail. Anyone who has spent time in a prison will tell you that an awful lot of the inmates will swear that they are innocent...I understand that innocent people are occasionally convicted, but I have a hard time believing that there are as many innocent persons in jail as those who profess to be. Just my opinion, this argument is probably better suited for an entirely different thread.

 

[Dizzy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse And besides, pot is not an addictive drug.

Methinks these people beg to differ.

But, back to your topic.

You've gotta accept that he made his own choices- yes, they were before he was with you, but that doesn't change the fact that he did it, and needs to take responsibility for his actions. He now has to pay his dues. It's all part of being an adult.

Does this suck for you? Of course, but instead of taking a "why me?" position, grab your big-girl panties and make the best of it that you can. You've said that you got him a lawyer, now just hope for the best and try to help him not make such bad decisions in the future.

 

[FullWroth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC My boyfriend has been to court a few times and has told me the same thing...that the public defender didn't seem to do a good job and was seen afterwards laughing and joking with the prosecutor, etc.

Wait, are you saying prosecutors and defense attorneys can't be friends, or even just be friendly with one another?

I'm disagreeing with you right now, but it wouldn't stop me from finding you in another thread and laughing and having a good time with you if you said something funny, and I definitely don't feel any kind of animosity toward you just because we're on different sides of a statement. The lawyers were quite possibly friends from working in the same courthouse - it doesn't mean they won't still work hard to defend you, it just means they don't hate each other's guts just because one's prosecuting and one's defending.

The other stuff you've experienced with public defenders may well be a good reason to believe some of them don't do a good job, don't get me wrong, but that PARTICULAR reason, not so much. The defense attorney has every reason to want a good record, as does the prosecuting attorney, so I don't think either one of them is gonna do the other any favors at the expense of their win/loss record just because they're friends.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FullWroth Wait, are you saying prosecutors and defense attorneys can't be friends, or even just be friendly with one another? I'm disagreeing with you right now, but it wouldn't stop me from finding you in another thread and laughing and having a good time with you if you said something funny, and I definitely don't feel any kind of animosity toward you just because we're on different sides of a statement. The lawyers were quite possibly friends from working in the same courthouse - it doesn't mean they won't still work hard to defend you, it just means they don't hate each other's guts just because one's prosecuting and one's defending. The other stuff you've experienced with public defenders may well be a good reason to believe some of them don't do a good job, don't get me wrong, but that PARTICULAR reason, not so much. The defense attorney has every reason to want a good record, as does the prosecuting attorney, so I don't think either one of them is gonna do the other any favors at the expense of their win/loss record just because they're friends.

you're very right. I thought of this as I was writing it. But you understood my point.

 

[lazytolove]

ouch, that's very sad. You such a good girlfriend. I hope you will find a good lawyer for him. Happy Holiday! ;D

 

[silversuniverse]

The reason I am being so defensive is because most of the posters on here seem very closed-minded. What if your husband, brother, sister, boyfriend, etc was in this situation? Would you shun them and leave them when they needed you the most? I don't think most of you would. That is what I'm trying to get at. I have strong opinions (and yes it makes people hate me, and it makes people angry at me, and it makes me seem confrontational which is why I put the disclaimer at the top of my post)

But why judge me and say that I'm not coping well with the situation. In 3 days we've found a lawyer for him and we're now working together to try and get him out of jail. There must be something on here that makes me sound like "Oh pity me.." when really what I'm trying to you people is that I am staying strong and hoping for the best. I know missing his court date was a bad idea, trust me, I know. He is now facing the consequences of his actions.

I was looking for consolation in my first post and it just pissed me off when I saw that only TWO people had something nice and helpful to say to me. And I believe I have every right to call the one person I called immature, just that. Just because she is a long time poster doesn't mean everything she posts is considerate and appropriate. I'm new, yes, and I'm probably making myself look bad, but I really don't care because I'm simply expressing my opinions just like everyone else has.

 

[BeautyPsycho]

I never understood why people post private stuff and problems on the internet, and then get offended if someone says something they didn't like? It's not like some stranger is going to be all friendly and try to make you feel better, they are neutral and can say whatever they feel.

 

[wolfsong]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse The reason I am being so defensive is because most of the posters on here seem very closed-minded. What if your husband, brother, sister, boyfriend, etc was in this situation? Would you shun them and leave them when they needed you the most? I don't think most of you would. That is what I'm trying to get at. I have strong opinions (and yes it makes people hate me, and it makes people angry at me, and it makes me seem confrontational which is why I put the disclaimer at the top of my post) But why judge me and say that I'm not coping well with the situation. In 3 days we've found a lawyer for him and we're now working together to try and get him out of jail. There must be something on here that makes me sound like "Oh pity me.." when really what I'm trying to you people is that I am staying strong and hoping for the best. I know missing his court date was a bad idea, trust me, I know. He is now facing the consequences of his actions. I was looking for consolation in my first post and it just pissed me off when I saw that only TWO people had something nice and helpful to say to me. And I believe I have every right to call the one person I called immature, just that. Just because she is a long time poster doesn't mean everything she posts is considerate and appropriate. I'm new, yes, and I'm probably making myself look bad, but I really don't care because I'm simply expressing my opinions just like everyone else has.

Just because posters aren't - on a whole - agreeing with you, doesn't automatically mean they are closed minded. From the somewhat neutral place I am, all I can see is posters making (for the majority of this thread) valid points and holding strong beliefs/feelings. Being open minded doesn't equate to kissing the OP's ass.

It doesn’t matter if this was your first post or your thousandth – if you are on the defence without just cause (i.e. not giving people the benefit of doubt or assuming the worst in those reading your story before they even type a letter) then people will be rubbed the wrong way.
I don’t think I can add to the sound advice you have been given by fellow members, but I hope that you take it all into consideration. I also would like to mention that even though you are hurting; taking it out on those that you are seeking solace from isn’t the way to go IMO. We are all pretty much strangers on this board, and venting in that manner is something that only loved ones will put up with without getting pissed off (at least usually).

Good luck and welcome to the board (I don't think anyone holds grudges on here)

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse The reason I am being so defensive is because most of the posters on here seem very closed-minded. What if your husband, brother, sister, boyfriend, etc was in this situation?

If it were my husband, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, I'd be mad as hell at them for missing the court date. He's been extremely stupid and selfish to cause you and his family all this misery, particularly around the holiday period. I'd vent all my frustrations on him, scream and shout at him, and generally let him have it. I would not vent those frustrations on a messageboard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse But why judge me and say that I'm not coping well with the situation. In 3 days we've found a lawyer for him and we're now working together to try and get him out of jail. There must be something on here that makes me sound like "Oh pity me.." when really what I'm trying to you people is that I am staying strong and hoping for the best. I know missing his court date was a bad idea, trust me, I know. He is now facing the consequences of his actions.

... there have been a lot of people on this board sticking up for you and trying to give you kindness and compassion. I'm one of them, in case you hadn't noticed. But you seem to just want to have a fight and pretend the whole world - including this messageboard - is against you and your man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse I was looking for consolation in my first post and it just pissed me off when I saw that only TWO people had something nice and helpful to say to me. And I believe I have every right to call the one person I called immature, just that. Just because she is a long time poster doesn't mean everything she posts is considerate and appropriate. I'm new, yes, and I'm probably making myself look bad, but I really don't care because I'm simply expressing my opinions just like everyone else has.

When you don't get what you want from random strangers, you lash out? How exactly is that mature? Look, most people use this messageboard to gripe or cheer about their relationships, to ask questions that usually seem damned straightforward.

"He's cheating on me" --> will garner a "dump his ass" response from the board.

"I'm drinking too much and I'm losing my relationship as a result" --> will garner a "go seek help ::" response from the board, or recovering drug addicts / alcoholics on Specktra will come out of the woodwork and offer support.

"He got caught with illegal substances years ago, I'm with him anyway, and he missed his long-appointed court date. Cops took him away and he's facing heavier charges now, DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO LEAVE HIM" --> will garner a lot of immediately irritated Specktra folk. This isn't a board where you find everyone is sympathetic to light drug use. Other posts have happened where someone's been caught, and the majority of responses have been, "Well duh, you're in trouble now!"

Many people here have very good reasons to be quite firmly anti-drug, and others have very good reasons to be quite firmly drug-friendly - especially in regards to marijuana. But you cannot simply gloss over the fact that people have very strong opinions about marijuana and decide that they're closed minded just because they aren't sharing your particular opinion. Some people have thought very carefully about what they believe when they don't agree with you. It doesn't mean they're immature, close-minded, or bad people. It just means they don't agree. Get over it.

 

[SparklingWaves]

I am reading from your post that you are feeling alone, sad, scared, and possibly angry about the situation at hand with your bf.

Do you have some support around you - friends, family, and a counselor?

BTW - I appauld you for getting off of drugs.

 

[pahblov]

I totally never realized what a big deal marijuana use in the states is. Wow.

 

[makeup_wh0re]

I am not trying to start an argument with you, but you shouldn't ask for advice but then say that nobody can tell you certain things. It seems as though you kind of have the thought in your head that you should.

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse Codependency applies to someone who cares for someone who is addicted to drugs. He stopped smoking pot months ago. And besides, pot is not an addictive drug.

Sorry...pot's not an addictive drug? Maybe if you mean addictive in the sense that you probably won't start shaking and offering felatio for a hit of a bong, but pot's definitely an addictive drug, and it's a gateway drug to everything else. The majority of the people I know who've smoked pot have moved up an on to other drugs. I had a good friend go into rehab twice last year from being addicted to cocaine, and the first drug she tried was pot, and it just built from there. I'm not saying your man is moving up and on from pot onto more dangerous and habit-forming drugs. But to say that pot isn't an addictive drug is a very ignorant statement.

 

[KitCat007]

Although I can sympathize with you losing a loved one I can’t sympathize with the situation. I also feel the need to point out a few things:

You posted on a public message board. You are going to get various opinions from various people who have had various life experiences. You were eliciting sympathy. You stated, “why does this have to happen to him,” and “the day after my birthday.” You were also very defensive in your original post and trying to dictate what people can and cannot say on a public board. You said, “and don’t anyone even dare tell me to find another man” and that they would “piss you off.” When you post something like that it’s going to make people bristle at you. Judging by your attitude people that you personally know have already been telling you to leave him. It seems like you came and posted this to find sympathy, but only wanted people to post if they were going to blow a bunch of smoke your way.

Again, you posted on a public message board. This reaches all over the world and there are people in this world who have had their lives seriously negatively impacted by drug users, myself included. My mom’s boyfriend abused me, and he abused me most when he had just “smoked a little pot.” I’m not saying that your boyfriend abused anyone; I’m just trying to point out how people will relate your information with their own lives. Why do you say “people close minded” and “your view of the world is correct” just because they said that he broke the law and that is why he is in jail? Who is really being immature? Law’s are there for the greater good of society and it doesn’t matter that your BF is good to you, or that he has 2 jobs. He broke the law and then ran.

You stated his charges in your OP, and drug charges at that. You also stated that because he skipped his court date and had to be tracked down with a warrant that they are going to “tack” on 5 other charges from another county. So judging your statements he has been in trouble with the law before and has been running for awhile. No one was calling your BF evil. No one was attacking you because you’re new here. They were just saying that your BF broke the law, several laws at that, had a warrant out and deserved to go to jail, regardless if he is a “good person.”

You say to not be judgmental and to think if this happened to one of our loved one’s. I have been with my husband for 13 years. Let’s say that the cops came to my house and arrested him on drug charges. I certainly would not be on a message board jumping down people’s throats. I would be at the jail throttling his throat for putting me in a situation like this, and if these charges happened before I knew him and I got involved with him anyway then shame on me.

 

[KitCat007]

Don't know why it posted twice...

 

[Shimmer]

I just want to point out, because it's been bothering me since I read the thread initially...
He wasn't 'taken away'...he made a series of choices that lead to him being arrested. No one was being mean by arresting him, and I really doubt there was a personal vendetta against him by the police.

Like others have said, instead of lashing at us, you should be wringing his neck. :/