my love was taken away from me

[silversuniverse]

Alright I'm done, I give up. I was looking to vent on the situation I've been thrown in and it's just no use. I don't really need to now, I get to see him finally (after 5 days of no contact with him) tomorrow and I am content.

I'm sorry to everyone that doesn't really seem to understand the situation. You would probably have to know me to understand it fully. Most of this stuff I didn't even know about because he never told me. Maybe he was too embarrassed and was hoping it would all go away. But it didn't so now he has to face whatever is going to happen to him.

He broke the law, yes, but I bet there isn't one person on this board who hasn't broken the law in some way in their lifetime. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket or drank alcohol underage? You broke the law when you did those things. If you didn't get caught.. well you're lucky I guess. And does that make people think any differently of you? No, it doesn't. I realize that this is an online forum (I used to own one), I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't see what you all don't understand about that. I am challenging opinions, not saying they're wrong. I haven't offended anyone (except maybe 2 people, but it was because they did it first). I've only responded to your posts just as you have to mine.

But like I said, you never really know how you will react to the situation until you are put in it. You may say you would ring his neck or bitch him out, but in reality when you finally got to see him you do something completely different.

Trust me, I plan on having a talk with him when I see him. If this happens again it's probably going to be over. I'm 18 years old, I don't want to spend my life with someone who is going to be in and out of jail. He already quit the drugs and now he just has to be good about the probation (or whatever he gets put on). I just hope he can grow up.

And I just want to add that I am sticking to my opinion that pot is not an addictive drug, neither is it a gateway drug (no one makes you try drugs). All you have to do is say no. Just because you smoke pot doesn't mean you're going to try coke or heroin or even prescription drugs or any other drugs for that matter. It depends on the will of the person, the desire of the person. If the media hadn't done such a bad job of portraying pot, I don't think a lot people a couple years older than me would've tried other drugs. They think "oh the tv made this sound soo bad when it's not!" so they think other drugs won't hurt them either. I remember watching commercials on tv maybe 2 years ago showing some kid running over another because he was "high of weed." Fuck that, most people who smoke weed are too lazy to get off the couch. The commercials today are so much more accurate.

And just a reply to KitCat007: I'm sorry about your mom's boyfriend. From my personal experience I have never known anyone who smoked weed to EVER be violent, but I guess it happens sometimes.

My friends have been very supportive of me and him and they have never once suggested we break up. The reason I originally posted that was because I knew half the people on here would tell me to find someone else.

But anyway I am done with this topic. I knew I should've never posted this problem online but I just needed somewhere to vent where I wouldn't have to call or drive to.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse Alright I'm done, I give up. I was looking to vent on the situation I've been thrown in and it's just no use. I don't really need to now, I get to see him finally (after 5 days of no contact with him) tomorrow and I am content.

If that makes you happy, that's good.
Quote:

I'm sorry to everyone that doesn't really seem to understand the situation. You would probably have to know me to understand it fully. Most of this stuff I didn't even know about because he never told me. Maybe he was too embarrassed and was hoping it would all go away. But it didn't so now he has to face whatever is going to happen to him.

What's not to understand? I'm not clear on how anyone is misunderstanding the situation...yes, most people are largely unsympathetic, but that's because he brought it on himself...
Quote:

He broke the law, yes, but I bet there isn't one person on this board who hasn't broken the law in some way in their lifetime. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket or drank alcohol underage? You broke the law when you did those things. If you didn't get caught.. well you're lucky I guess. And does that make people think any differently of you? No, it doesn't. I realize that this is an online forum (I used to own one), I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't see what you all don't understand about that. I am challenging opinions, not saying they're wrong. I haven't offended anyone (except maybe 2 people, but it was because they did it first). I've only responded to your posts just as you have to mine.

Yes, I've had speeding tickets, yes I drank when I was underage, yes I have broken the law, and every single time I've been caught (and I have), I've known that it was completely my fault. I chose those actions. It seems like there's blame being placed on anyone but him for the actions that he chose to take, and many people here take exception with that, it appears.
Quote:

But like I said, you never really know how you will react to the situation until you are put in it. You may say you would ring his neck or bitch him out, but in reality when you finally got to see him you do something completely different.

No, I assure you, my reaction would be irritation and aggravation with him for deliberately (and not appearing in court is deliberate) taking actions that were harmful to us.
Quote:

Trust me, I plan on having a talk with him when I see him. If this happens again it's probably going to be over. I'm 18 years old, I don't want to spend my life with someone who is going to be in and out of jail. He already quit the drugs and now he just has to be good about the probation (or whatever he gets put on). I just hope he can grow up. And I just want to add that I am sticking to my opinion that pot is not an addictive drug, neither is it a gateway drug (no one makes you try drugs). All you have to do is say no. Just because you smoke pot doesn't mean you're going to try coke or heroin or even prescription drugs or any other drugs for that matter. It depends on the will of the person, the desire of the person. If the media hadn't done such a bad job of portraying pot, I don't think a lot people a couple years older than me would've tried other drugs. They think "oh the tv made this sound soo bad when it's not!" so they think other drugs won't hurt them either. I remember watching commercials on tv maybe 2 years ago showing some kid running over another because he was "high of weed." Fuck that, most people who smoke weed are too lazy to get off the couch. The commercials today are so much more accurate. And just a reply to KitCat007: I'm sorry about your mom's boyfriend. From my personal experience I have never known anyone who smoked weed to EVER be violent, but I guess it happens sometimes. My friends have been very supportive of me and him and they have never once suggested we break up. The reason I originally posted that was because I knew half the people on here would tell me to find someone else. But anyway I am done with this topic. I knew I should've never posted this problem online but I just needed somewhere to vent where I wouldn't have to call or drive to.

Maybe someday you'll look back on this and say "haha yeah boy were they wrong!! we sure did work out!", I hope you can, but in all reality, him changing and growing up is going to take a LOT of work, and you're very young yourself, no matter how mature you think you are, and you've got a lot of growing up to do on your own.

I can say with out any condescension or patronization that in 3 years, you'll be in a different place completely from where you are now...your thought processes and decision making skills will be different, your perspective will be different, and it will only keep changing as you get older. Maybe, at that point in time, you'll see where the rest of us who, believe it or not, really may have been where you are RIGHT NOW, are coming from.

 

[Eugenia]

The chances of any 18 year old being with the boy they are with for the long term is extremely low to nil

Please don't spend any of your money on him. You'll live to regret that.

You wrote in your initial post that you were never going to get to see him again. (I know that was written in anger and frustration). Then you told readers not to dare suggest you find another "man." (he's a boy at 18, believe me). In that case our best advice might have been for you to join a convent.

Actually my heart does go out to you for being in this situation. You can learn from this, though.

I'd be alarmed that he kept his background from you. That says more than his saving his money for a ring for you. Sadly odd how the promise and hope of a ring can make everything else seem alright.

 

[SparklingWaves]

In relationships, what the other one does or doesn't do greatly affects the other.

Sometimes, this affect can be temporary and other times it can be for a lifetime.

He is paying for his actions. He wasn't taken away. He was arrested. There is a difference. The police aren't the enemy. He was his own enemy. According to your post, he actually has done several incidents based on poor choices. I really hope he learns from this.

Defending pot or the users is actually trying to create a diversion off of this bf.

Everyone has done illegal things topic. That is actually another diversion discussion topic off of the bf.

Maybe, you did just want to vent, but it wasn't stated in the original post. Maybe, you wanted someone to tell you all was going to be okay. I don't know. It's been vague to me.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

I wouldn't try to "fix" his situation. He needs to learn from his actions and choices.

All I seem to be reading is extreme protection for the bf. Why? Why does he need so much protection?

You haven't discussed your feelings and how you are going to learn and improve yourself from this.

What about your needs right now? How are they being met? Do you want to share?

BTW -Please don't misinterpret me. I am stating what I feel and I am not against you or your bf. I am stating some facts and questions. I am very concerned about you.

 

[*KT*]

IMO, the reason so many women respond to your problem with a "DUMP HIM" is because they know so many women who are with crappy guys either because they don't have enough self-worth to get a really good guy or they think he's going to change. We obviously don't know your bf personally, but a lot of us picture him as "that guy" that we wish the women we actually do know would dump.

For me, I picture him as a co-worker's bf who is terminally unemployed and basically sits on her couch everyday smoking pot... and turns 40 in less than a year. So my reaction was "dump him" as well. I know he's not the same person, but that doesn't stop me from having that knee jerk reaction. I think we all want the best for other women and seeing them with someone we picture as "that guy" brings about the kind of reaction you received. I hope that makes some kind of sense.

Anyway, I truly do hope he was maturing and changing his ways. Finding out about all of this in the way that you did was the worst possible way of you finding out about his history. If he was my guy and I was going to go see him soon, I would probably say something to this effect:

You've done things in the past and obviously there is no way to change what's been done, but I wish you would have trusted me enough to tell me about it. I love you for the person you are today and if there's anything else in your past that I need to know about, you need to tell me right here and now because how this happened was not cool.

Anyway, best of luck with the court stuff. It sounds like you've got a long road to travel down with him.

 

[makeup_wh0re]

wow...this is ridiculous

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 Sorry...pot's not an addictive drug? Maybe if you mean addictive in the sense that you probably won't start shaking and offering felatio for a hit of a bong, but pot's definitely an addictive drug, and it's a gateway drug to everything else. The majority of the people I know who've smoked pot have moved up an on to other drugs. I had a good friend go into rehab twice last year from being addicted to cocaine, and the first drug she tried was pot, and it just built from there. I'm not saying your man is moving up and on from pot onto more dangerous and habit-forming drugs. But to say that pot isn't an addictive drug is a very ignorant statement.

I have to disagree with you. There are a lot of people on this board that will agree, and a few that won't - and I'm one that won't. There's a lot of evidence refuting everything you mention here. I wrote a detailed response in another thread, but I'm going to repeat it here because it's valid:

I've seen some of the literature on this, and it's almost impossible to pin down the factors that may or may not contribute towards mental illnesses. Some scientists say that genetic pre-disposition of mental illness outweighs all other factors. Other say some chemical substances, if repeatedly introduced into the body, may bring about mental disorders like schizophrenia in a person who has a history of mental illness or is pre-disposed towards mental illness. Others assert that it just hastens the presentation of the illness in someone who would have had that illness eventually anyway, due to (at the very least) combinations of many other factors, the effects and combinations of which are not completely understood.

The 'gateway' argument is of the reasons why I'm very much in the middle ground when it comes to cannabis. The theory, as you've stated it, is that the drug can cause physical and/or physiological dependency in the user, the user becomes steadily acclimatized to the drug's effects, therefore the user becomes open to other types of drugs in order to reach the 'high'. The problem is, the main evidence cited for this is that some people who may have smoked marijuana end up on very hard drugs. Or, to take your example (which I incidentally have a lot of sympathy with), someone you know has developed a drug addiction to cocaine after smoking marijuana. This is simplistic and circular logic: the theory is used to interpret the evidence, which is in turn the main evidence cited to support the theory. It lacks justification, but is very neat and simple, so it catches on as credible logic, when it isn't.

As you probably know, the link between cigarettes and lung cancer could be considered technically unproven, if you speak to some scientists about it. This is because we cannot ethically conduct randomized experiments over this (apart from a few lab rats), wherein 50% of the population is asked to smoke, and 50% is asked not to smoke, and 50 years later we compare the results. You're talking about case-control studies here, and scientifically speaking that's fine (hell, it's what I do), but when applied to your statement, this is what occurs in my mind:

Two variables can be associated without having a causal relationship, for example, because a third variable is the true cause of the "original" independent and dependent variable. For example, there is a statistical correlation over the past fifty years between the use of marijuana and rock and roll. Does this mean marijuana is responsible for music? No. The correlation occurs statistically because the past fifty years have seen an explosion in the record industry and related media output, causing both marijuana consumption and music production to increase. Thus, correlation does NOT imply causation. Other factors besides cause and effect can create the illusion of an observed correlation.

If you want to see the other side of possibilities as far as drug policies around the world have gone, look at Switzerland:

http://www.drugpolicy.org/global/dru...p/switzerland/

An noteworthy exerpt from that link, with my added 'bolded' text, is this:

Heroin
Among other activities, the Federal Council asked for a study on heroin assisted treatment for chronic heroin addicts who had failed at other treatment programs. In 1992, the Council passed an order authorizing clinical trials involving the medical prescription of heroin, along with a strict scientific evaluation of the trials. A 1997 evaluation of the trials concluded that:

• heroin assisted treatment for severely dependent heroin addicts improved their physical and/or psychic health, as well as their quality of life (in terms of housing, work and other areas);
• participants’ illegal use of heroin and cocaine decreased;
• the users involved in the program committed fewer crimes (the incidence of theft and property and drug trafficking offences fell sharply).

The Federal Council followed the report’s recommendations, and on March 8, 1999 authorized heroin maintenance treatment, setting objectives, eligibility criteria, administrative measures and providing for such treatment.

Marijuana
The Federal Commission for Drug Issues was tasked with evaluating marijuana law in Switzerland and released the Cannabis Report in 1999. Although technically illegal as a drug, marijuana production (agricultural and private) and distribution in the form of stores specializing in the sale of “hemp” products are found throughout the country. The report pointed out that marijuana cultivation in Switzerland had greatly increased during the 1990s and that most of the crop was destined for the illegal market rather than the legal one (e.g. as a renewable raw material for textile production). According to an investigation in all cantons, hashish was mainly sold on the street while marijuana was being sold more and more through hemp shops as “aromatic pillows.”

Following are some of the conclusions of the Cannabis Report:

• It is considered that the effect of marijuana does not depend only on its composition, dosage or mode of consumption but also on the user’s state of mind, expectations and the atmosphere at the time.
• Acute toxicity of marijuana is generally considered to be rare. A psychotic state may appear after use of high doses of marijuana. Reassurance is often enough to calm the person down.
• The ability to drive a motor vehicle is impaired for two to four hours (maximum eight hours) after using marijuana. Users often over-estimate the effect of marijuana on their ability to drive a motor vehicle and therefore concentrate more intensely and drive more slowly. It was also proven that in 80% of accidents where THC was found in the plasma of the responsible parties, their alcohol level was also positive.
• The “amotivational” syndrome, which entails personality change, neglect of one’s appearance and general disinterest displayed by habitual marijuana users, was never confirmed.
• The use of marijuana may lead to psychological dependence. The tendency towards physical dependence is, however, very low.
• It is advisable to abstain from marijuana, tobacco and alcohol use during pregnancy.
• The human immune system is relatively resistant to the immunosuppressive effects of cannabinoids and research results support the therapeutic use of delta 9 THC in patients whose immune system has already been weakened by other diseases (AIDS, cancer).

The Federal Commission noted that the drug policies of the different cantons varied with respect to minor offenses of marijuana dealing and use. The general trend in the courts, however, was to soften penalties involving personal use. In 10 of the 26 cantons police had adopted a differentiated practice, in that marijuana users were tolerated as opposed to users of other illegal substances. Following detailed consideration of the different options, the Federal Commission unanimously recommended the elaboration of a model which not only removes the prohibition of consumption and possession but also makes it possible for marijuana to be purchased lawfully. This model was approved by Swiss Senate in December 2001, without opposition. Approval by the House of Representatives is pending. A majority of Swiss citizens support ending marijuana prohibition. Should the issue be put to a national referendum it would likely pass.​

What is noteworthy about the study is that the word 'gateway' doesn't appear above, and neither does any reference the notion of opening the floodgates of mental illness. There are obvious drawbacks to society and the individual in the habitual use of cannabis, but there are also a lot of good things that can occur. Both sides are very clearly stated, and it's balanced and it's authoritative, which makes it credible and believable, and most of all, not frightening. By taking an approach that attemps to deal with the problem within the society, rather than abject condemnation and abstinence-only programs, real progress and benefit to society is shown to be possible.
​

 

[user79]

Yeah, I don't think smoking marijuana is really that bad, depending on the person. Just like alcohol, some people turn into alcoholics and some are fine to drink it in moderation. It's the same with smoking pot.

My bf smokes pot on a daily basis (maybe 1 or 2 joins) and he has a great full time job, goes to night school, has his shit together, just got promoted at work because of his skills....in other words, it doesn't affect him in a negative way. Marijuana is not a gateway dug as many like to call it. There is no such thing. In that sense, alcohol is a gateway drug as well. It all depends on the character of the person and their mental and psychological state, whether they will turn into drug addicts or not.

And while I certainly don't deny that my bf is psychologically addicted to pot (as in the habit of smoking daily), there is no scientific proof that marijuana is physically addictive (like nicotine for example.) Yes, it can be a type of addiction, but it's no worse, and maybe even less unhealthy, than smoking cigarettes.



As for the original poster, I wish you and your bf the best of luck. I think a lot of people have responded to you negatively on here because you came off quite defensive at the first post. However, I think a lot of the overly righteous responses are somewhat overkill. "Let he who is innocent cast the first stone."

 

[MAC_Pixie04]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversuniverse He broke the law, yes, but I bet there isn't one person on this board who hasn't broken the law in some way in their lifetime. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket or drank alcohol underage? You broke the law when you did those things. If you didn't get caught.. well you're lucky I guess. And does that make people think any differently of you? No, it doesn't. I realize that this is an online forum (I used to own one), I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't see what you all don't understand about that. I am challenging opinions, not saying they're wrong. I haven't offended anyone (except maybe 2 people, but it was because they did it first). I've only responded to your posts just as you have to mine.

Speeding tickets and drug charges are completely different. And when I got my speeding ticket, I SHOWED UP FOR MY COURT DATE. Plain and simple.

It's unfortunate that you feel that you shouldn't vent here, but you can't expect everybody to say "poor you" and support your situation, especially since it's not one many of us have had to be in, and because your boyfriend wasn't "taken away" from you for some offhand reason; he broke the law and is paying the consequences, so maybe he was literally taken away in handcuffs, but nobody took him from you. And if anybody did, he did.

 

[tara_hearts]

Looks like he has two felonies. First time with the under 2o grams is second degree possession, but the second charge makes it a felony. And then controlled substance is also a felony. Good luck with your attorney search, money talks though. There is a good chance he can get alot of his stuff reduced and just end up with a LOT of fines and probation. Good luck though <3

 

[FullWroth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Pixie04 Speeding tickets and drug charges are completely different. And when I got my speeding ticket, I SHOWED UP FOR MY COURT DATE. Plain and simple.

Yeah, most judges appreciate people who actually try their best to follow procedure and obey the law aside from whatever infraction they've already gotten. I had a friend who went to court for his second speeding ticket in a short time period, and the judge was honestly surprised when he asked "Do you currently have anything else on your driving record?" and my friend answered honestly, "Yeah, I have one other ticket from x/x/xx." He got away REALLY light because he showed up and he was honest, and the judge really appreciated his maturity in handling the situation.

This guy obviously did not do that, and now he's dealing with the consequences put into place for people who evade their court dates, and there is nothing unfair about this except that he didn't tell the original poster about it before it happened.

Quote:

It's unfortunate that you feel that you shouldn't vent here, but you can't expect everybody to say "poor you" and support your situation

Especially not when you cop a 'tude with everyone right from the get-go and then expect nothing but cuddles and sunshine in return.

If the original post hadn't been so confrontational and spoiling for a fight, I think the response would've been better, and honestly, she's the one who brought the idea of dumping him to the table in the first place, which makes me wonder.

I understand what the original poster was TRYING to say, and I sympathize with the idea *behind* her post, but there was an utter communication failure on her part in getting that across to everyone here, a failure that's only gotten worse in her subsequent posts. It's one thing to get pissed off about one negative reply in a sea of positive ones, but when the vast majority of posters all react a certain way to your post, the problem is not with them, it's with the post.

 

[kimmy]

he isn't going to jail forever for a few drug charges. what you listed are misdemeanors in california, and i'm sure they are in florida as well. if the courts wanted to push it, yes they could go for a felony on the second possession charge but the jails and overcrowded across the country, so it's unlikely that the prosecution will seek that. even if they do, it's very unlikely that the judge will let that happen.

the police didn't take him from you, he did it to himself. sorry if that sounds harsh but...everyone always wants to pin the blame on the cops who are just doing their job. he was the one in possession of drugs and paraphenalia, not them.

Quote:

If you've never been left to live out on the street with no money, you suddenly assume every poor person is a bad person who knows nothing of handling money.

isn't that amazing how you're pointing to the rest of the world, calling everyone out for being judgemental...yet here you are, telling the world how it sees things?

Quote:

You have no idea how many people's lives I know have been ruined by drugs.

and you have no idea how many i've seen go the same path.

i've gotten a speeding ticket, i've drank underage and yeah i took the blame for them both. four months prior to my speeding ticket, i put my car into a telephone pole at about seventy in a forty mph zone. took the blame for that one, too. told both police officers that showed up exactly what happened and sat quietly and listened to the lectures of every damn person i knew. I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS.

had he gone to court on his appointed date, i'd have a little more sympathy for him because that would be him taking responsibility. since he missed his court date though, how responsible is he really? missing your court date isn't like calling in sick to work so you can sleep in another couple hours. it's serious business, and he obviously didn't understand that. maybe some jail time will mature him a little.

 

[Patricia]

well good luck to you and him, i hope you both can learn from this and move on

 

[miss_bayje]

this post is funny i'm sorry

That's messed up I would just move on .. Love comes and it goes

 

[alexisdeadly]

hahahah wow. First, I would not stand by my boyfriend, husband, ister, brother etc. I do not condone it so why would I support them? They chose to do that and they should have thought about the consequences.
Second, I have nevr broken the law. No drugs, no underage drinking, no parking or speeding tickets.
You posted on a public forum and right off the bat you assumed people were not going to be supportive. You came off with an attitude therefore people gave you what you expected.
I don't feel sorry for you, your situation or your boyfriend.
You can easily get out of the situation and your boyfriend could have avoided this all by showing up for his court date instead of smoking up.

 

[Willa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pahblov I totally never realized what a big deal marijuana use in the states is. Wow.

Yeah I was thinking the same
It's sad because here you can smoke it anywhere in the street. You just don't do that in front of the police, and even if you do, they'll just ask to trow it away, maybe search for to see if you have more on you and then go.

 

[Dark_Phoenix]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willa Yeah I was thinking the same It's sad because here you can smoke it anywhere in the street. You just don't do that in front of the police, and even if you do, they'll just ask to trow it away, maybe search for to see if you have more on you and then go.

Same here. They just have fines for posession up to some small amount, then you encounter harsher punishments for larger amounts (and hash is in a different category so I think that they go straight past fines for poession of it).

 

[alexisdeadly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark_Phoenix Same here. They just have fines for posession up to some small amount, then you encounter harsher punishments for larger amounts (and hash is in a different category so I think that they go straight past fines for poession of it).

There was a guy, who was a middle man for a marijuana drug deal who got 99 years.

 

[nunu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexisdeadly There was a guy, who was a middle man for a marijuana drug deal who got 99 years.

wow! 99 years!

 

[Dark_Phoenix]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexisdeadly There was a guy, who was a middle man for a marijuana drug deal who got 99 years.

Laws regarding marijuana are really, really different from country to country.

(I've never done any, never saw the appeal)