Children -- yay or nay?

[nyrak]

Wow Daizy, that is an incredible story. I feel so bad for kids in orphanages in countries like Romania; apparently many of them do have parents who are alive and well but they just got dumped there. I would like to do some volunteer work later on in my life at an orphanage even though I imagine it would be horribly depressing.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I completely agree people need to make smart decisions on kids, period. Even if your child doesn't have mental issues, there is a chance of health ones (one of my friends is adopted and has a bunch of issues, due to things not being properly treated as a child.)

I thank everyone so much for being so cool about the childfree thing. I have to say, I wasn't expecting it, because so many people think everyone should have children, particularly if you're educated and will most likely have the financial means. It's really refreshing to know there are a number of people in this world who understand that it isn't for everyone and that children are a huge responsibility.

 

[Shimmer]

I recognize that this is a subject that elevates blood pressures and causes heated debate.

I'd like the thread to stay civil, without drama. It's one thing to state an opinion or relay an experience, and quite another to attack other members in the thread.

Please keep the tone within the realms of the terms of service. I don't want to lock this thread because a lot of insight has been offered, however, I will, should the current tone be maintained.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Thanks shimmer and I highly agree. A LOT of insight has been offered and I've learned a lot. I want to continue this learning experience for myself as well as others.

 

[little teaser]

i thought this thread was about peoples personel choices to have kids or not we can pick the whole word apart but thats not gonna change things im sorry to have offened anyone but i get offened when people gossip about how other people choose to live there lives if there not hurting you it's really no ones bussiness and insted of gossiping how about pray for them peoples personel finaces or assets really isnt anyones bussiness..lol and shimmer i was enjoying this thred i found it intresting to hear peoples thoughts on not wanting kids and wanting them i guees i got lost some where talking about some rims big welfare checks and bad mothers

 

[Shimmer]

As long as the thread remains civil and open for pleasant debate, it's all good. I don't want new members afraid to offer their opinion or experiences because the tone of the thread is offputting.

 

[Summer]

NAY. I don't want children because I don't desire them. I never have and never will.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Litter Teaser Wrote:
Quote:

ok all you childless people nobody cares about your baby makeing decions....

Most of us prefer to be called ChildFree

 

[Beauty Mark]

That's a terrible attitude towards only children/first borns.

Some people regard being childfree as selfish, because you won't necessarily spend a lot of your time doing for another person/msking personal sacrifices.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark That's a terrible attitude towards only children/first borns. Some people regard being childfree as selfish, because you won't necessarily spend a lot of your time doing for another person/msking personal sacrifices.

Yes...most people do regard CF'ers as "selfish"...

I have a comment for the people like that: Many CF couples actually do MORE for humanity than those "blessed". Many volunteer in all kinds of things; Red Cross, BBBS, local hospitals, homeless shelters and animal shelters. They also frquently have more resources to give the money they earn more freely to different charities and such. Now, I'm not saying those who are parents don't do those things..just saying that from what I've seen, it's more likely to be the CF.

I have the luxury of more time...since I don't have kids...that means I get to help all the kids that those "unselfish" people had that they don't take care of. I'm a "Big Sister"...I volunteer at youth centers and shelters for women. I adopt needy animals...I spend a chunk of my time working in pet shelters (many of the pets came from those "unselfish" people with children that decided that after 5 years, Fluffy wasn't wanted anymore 'cause little Bratley is "on the way")...I also have a larger portion of disposable income..and I give it freely to those in need. I have "adopted" a child in need from Africa; as has my CF older sister.

I also have a lot of time to spend with my nieces and nefews..I have two sisters...the oldest sister is the only one of us who has a child..a thirteen yr. old girl named Samantha. My husband also has two sisters...one of which has three kids...beautiful healthy kids...but that's not enough for her...SHE WANTS A PERPETUAL BABY. Once they get to be out of the "baby" stages, she wants another. She's already "oopsed" her husband with the third one(a gorgeous eighteen month old little girl that now has a broken foot 'cause Mommy wasn't watching her). They just visited last week, and now she wants another...he's adamant he doesn't; he's the sole breadwinner, and already has more than enough to contend with (not to mention he's the one thats always watching the kids every time I see them..while his wife socializes, drinks, and tells ME why I MUST have kids). But his viewpoint obviously isn't important. So, needless to say, the other children get "thrown to the wind"...Oh, she loves them...I'm not saying she doesn't. She keeps an immaculate home, cooks, and dresses them well. They have everything they need....except she spends all day screaming at them. I've never once seen her sit down with her kids and play a game. The eldest, Gabriella is very precocious....smart as hell! And beautiful.. I mean, seriously...she's gonna be a stunner...she needs a lot of intellectual stimulation and attention...she's been classed as ADHD...and the answer...medication. Now, this child comes to my home every summer and stays with me. We play, we paint, we go to the mall, I give her "makeovers"...we swim, we talk, we go to museums...I spoil her. She does not need to take her meds when she's with me...I give her the extra attention. She has a little brother, and a one and a half year old sister...they're GORGEOUS...spend the time with THEM instead of yearning for another BAYYBEE that will only GROW UP in a year or two!

I've not only been able to spend the time with Gabriella, but also MY niece, Samantha...who is going thru a hard time now 'cause my sister won't give her ANY DAMN BOUNDRIES! I'm sick of having to go over there and tell my OLDER sister that Sam shouldn't be allowed to sit on MYSPACE all night unchaperoned...I spent every day with that kid since she was born. I was a pre teen when she was born, and I adored her. She was always my LIFE. Now I see her going by the wayside 'cause her MOM is too involved in herself to bring her daughter up

I know this became a rant, but my point is (yes, there is a point

) that we CF people are some of the most UNSELFISH people you can find around....I'm sick of people calling me selfish because I chose not to bring a kid into this awful world...Since when did wanting to simply live my life become selfish???

Nobody calls my SIL (who wants more and more kids and won't just be happy with the perfect, beautiful kids she has) selfish...

End Rant...Thanks for "listening".....

 

[angelica]

Yay for me, I have two of my own and can not imagine my life without them. I got pregnant with my first child at 16 yrs. I was kicked out of my house by my dad so I have been on my own since. I have no regrets and im glad I had my girls young. But I do respect the choice of the girls that dont want kids. I have a few friends that dont have kids and are just as happy as me.

 

[Fairybelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Whore A definite nay! I have never, ever had the slightest inkling of desire to have children. It's not that I don't like kids, I just don't want to make it our lifestyle. Fortunately my husband feels the same way. Thank God! I think part of it is that we have way too much fun together and we just don't feel that we are missing anything by not having kids. I also see a lot of parents that just shouldn't be parents and it breaks my heart. I realize and fully appreciate the commitment it takes to raise a child in a proper and healthy manner and I feel that if I am not a 120% sure that I want a child, I just shouldn't be having one. That's just my two cents.

Wow! I thought I was alone... good to know that others out there share my feelings on this. A big "thank you" for being open about this! I used to feel so weird and alone about this because I hate the sales pitches from family and friends about kids when...I just don't want them personally. That's it and that's all. I love kids, I love seeing GOOD parents and respect them, but kids just aren't for me. No one's "selfish" for wanting or not wanting kids. We all have our own tastes, opinions, and thoughts and that's what makes us all individuals and human beings (and not preprogrammed robots! lol!). The only thing I would ever ask for is understanding rather than snap judgment about who I am based on personal decision (at least I can hope!). Thanks everyone for sharing--it's kind of neat to hear both sides of the issue. We just have to have open eyes, ears, and minds!

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairybelle Wow! I thought I was alone... good to know that others out there share my feelings on this. A big "thank you" for being open about this! I used to feel so weird and alone about this because I hate the sales pitches from family and friends about kids when...I just don't want them personally. That's it and that's all. I love kids, I love seeing GOOD parents and respect them, but kids just aren't for me. No one's "selfish" for wanting or not wanting kids. We all have our own tastes, opinions, and thoughts and that's what makes us all individuals and human beings (and not preprogrammed robots! lol!). The only thing I would ever ask for is understanding rather than snap judgment about who I am based on personal decision (at least I can hope!). Thanks everyone for sharing--it's kind of neat to hear both sides of the issue. We just have to have open eyes, ears, and minds!

I totally agree...and I have kids myself!

 

[eastsidesunset]

The SO and I were discussing this the other day. I'm almost out of college, planning on getting hitched soon after, so I realize that being young and having children can be very hard, especially when trying to start a career. As much as I think that having children at a young (re: mid twenties) age can be a good thing (my mom was 25 when she had me, and we're just like best friends) it's scary. I always thought that being young and having children was the way to go, since one might actually be able to have the energy to keep up with the kiddies, but I suppose that back in the day it was very very different.

Now I feel like, " damn, I just spent five years in college working for my degree, I better make something of myself because of those loans!" haha. As much as I would love to have kids, I can't honestly bring a child into my world full of student loan debt. If I have kids, I want to be able to afford the things he or she may need or want. At this point, my SO and I have pretty much made a rule: We'll have kids when we have money saved for our child to be able to go to college (well, not the entire tution) without our child having to take out tens of thousands of dollars in loans like I had to do. Children are not cheap (thanks, news broadcast, for telling me children can cost up to 1 million dollars, ah!), and they deserve to be brought into a family that can support them.

I'd also love to adopt, but from what I've heard, it can be a very long and expensive process. Something I'll look into much later. For now, ortho-tricyclen lo is my best friend.

Just out of curiousity, is it normal to feel like you'd be a horrible parent? As much as I loooooove kids (babysat for over 10 years), I always feel like if I had kids, I'd break them or something!

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eastsidesunset Just out of curiousity, is it normal to feel like you'd be a horrible parent? As much as I loooooove kids (babysat for over 10 years), I always feel like if I had kids, I'd break them or something!

I think it's totally normal. I never handled a young child in my life prior to having one of my own. I never babysat, my cousins were close in age, didn't have nieces/nephews (from my cousins) until I was older, nothing. I was scared as hell when my daughter was born. You can prepare yourself so much with researching, reading, and talking with fellow parents, but nothing will fully prepare you. Not to scare you off, but you don't learn what it's really like until you've experienced it first hand. Which is why I understand why some CFers would rather just not take that chance. When my daughter fell for the very first time (off of the bed. YIKES! This was the time when she had started to roll over and I was searching for her baby wipes) I called EVERYONE! She was fine, only cried for a second, and no bumps or bruises, but it scared the sh*t out of me! But kids are tough enough LOL. They trip, scrape themselves, fall, and scratch themselves but they almost always turn out fine hehe.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eastsidesunset I'd also love to adopt, but from what I've heard, it can be a very long and expensive process.

I just wanted to add....it's well worth it in the end

My DF & BFF were adopted so I know from their experiences. We plan to adopt sometime in the future.

 

[eastsidesunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzcelaneous I just wanted to add....it's well worth it in the end My DF & BFF were adopted so I know from their experiences. We plan to adopt sometime in the future.

I totally realized that I made it sound like a bad thing, and I didn't mean to. The SO's mother is adopted, and if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be stuck with him! haha.

I've just seen first hand how difficult the whole process can be. My aunt and uncle interviewed with different agencies, both private and public, and were totally heartbroken when adoptions fell through twice. I'm not sure what the reasoning was, but it was hard on the family. Both times, my aunt and uncle went to Mexico to visit, and even brought the children they wanted to adopt up to IL to meet the family and spend time with everyone for a few weeks (not sure how common that is, but it happened), and both time the adoptions fell through. I can honest say I was heartbroken each time because I loved the little boogers, but all I can hope is that they ended up with the family that is best for them. I guess it's just hard when you develop an attachment to a child.

And I've had my fair shares of rolley polley babies, and it's absolutely scary! After so many years dealing with children (oldest in my family, 10 younger cousins, lots of friends with children), I'm still surprised by how bouncy they can be, hehe.

 

[kaliraksha]

I've always been on the fence about this, but usually I lean towards nay. I'm having to re-evaluate my feelings on kids because my fiance really wants kids. He's basically saying that scientifically, our whole reason of existance is to have kids... that withouth having kids our lives are pointless in the end when we die. He's also really big on thinking that we would have wonderful kids and we need to release them into the world or something equal in nature.

Scientifically, yes, he's right that is the reason we're here, in my opinion. But that was so long ago, it doesn't matter now. I mean the world is plenty populated... I'll let some mother have 4 to replace myself and my fiance.

I know that if we did have kids we wouldn't have more than 2, we both believe in just having kids to replace ourselves as to not affect population. I really love kids, but I feel like I got off to a slow start and need many many years to myself. It's taking me forever to graduate, I may still go to law school... money-wise I wouldn't be able to provide for my kid the way I wanted to until I was much older/better off. My parents didn't help me out too much after I turned 15 or so... so I've had to do it all myself and although it's been valuable - I definitely want to be able to be there for my kid in all aspects of life. So I started thinking, how about just one kid? I was an only child for 11 years and truly loved it. My fiance is an only child still and hates it... that's another big point for him... most of his parents family still live in India and most everyone on his mom's side has died young (and didnt have kids) so he feels like he needs to keep the family name alive...

I've always wanted to adopt really. I would adopt younger children to grow a truly special bond, because I really feel there is no point in having my own kids if I can change someone elses life. But this goes back to my fiances point of what about what our kids would be like. I wanted to have one of my own and adopt one, but he thinks we would have favorites!

I asked him before we were engaged whether he would still marry me if I didn't want children and he had to think about it. In the end he said yes, but I feel like it's something I need to figure out before we actually tie the knot.

 

[medusalox]

I'm so, so torn on wanting kids. To be honest, I just don't like kids all that much. I usually cringe when I see children when I'm out and about. I mean, I find them cute and endearing, but kids just really try my patience. Oh, gosh, you're all going to think I'm some heartless robot. I'm not! I just don't handle screaming, mouthy, gooey, snotty kids running around all that well.

However, a lot of my close friends have had children recently, so I'm being exposed to babies in a safe environment...not when I'm trying to buy groceries! I'm suddenly finding myself at awe at the relationship between my friend and her newborn son. Also, I worked for Mattel over the winter, taking phone orders for a variety of toy companies under their umbrella. I spent a good chunk of the work day surrounded with toys and talking to proud parents...it's definetly gone to show me that maybe having kids *won't* be such a pain in the rear someday. Maybe.

I've always sworn that I won't get married or have kids, but I've already changed my mind on marriage (finding the right guy will do that to ya!). I can't say for sure, but I'm definetly open to the idea of having kids...sometime far, far away from now.

I probably won't entertain the idea, really, until I stop shooting evil looks at toddlers that are babbling away, minding their own business.

 

[kaliraksha]

Medusalox, I went to an antique show once and there was a huge display of creepy baby dolls... and I saw one in a basket and I was like "omg that one is so realistic it even has boogies!" and then it cried at me.... and the mom turned around and gave me a funny look but obviously had not heard me =(